I need to talk to someone please.
Hi OneDay, I am here for you. How are you doing? Please share anything that you feel comfortable sharing.
hi oneday,
I know all to well how some days can just suck suck suck. I get to use the computer when my kid is done usually. I let him sense they aren't going away soon.
but say what you need or want to say someone will answer.
yay, i have been typing to myself for the last while you dont kno how relieved i am that someone responded...my heart is pumping.
this is what ive typed, plz dont think im mad:
Okay i dont think anyone wants to talk so im gona talk to myself. Dont think im weird.
Right you are going thru this phase again. You know its a phase. But i cant help it. It to strong right now. But they are only thoughts. Yeah but they are really effecting me. Im afriad to be alone. I wish there was someone here who i can talk to and who understands these urges, they arnt pretty. Look, you know what happened the last time dont you. Yeah but that was then, this is now. I have come a long way and this is a bump in the road but right now i feel like any bump will send me over the edge. You have come thru so much more then this urge. Uggggh i really want to pick up those tabs but i wont pick them up. Uggh my hand is feeling a force to pick them up. Right im gona be blunt here you are writing to yourself, if you ere going to do this you would have done it already. But im afraid to stop typing bcoz my mind is overpowering me at this moment. The feeling in my head is that you want out but you know you dont want out. You gona take the easy way. Think of you lil sister, how crushed would she be if you wernt here to protect her. I know, and it kills me to even to think i would leave her behind. If i could take her with me i would but. STOP. Right this is getting mad now, you cant stay here forever and type for your life. Go to sleep and get some rest. yeah i want to go to sleep forever...no i dont UGGGGHHHH i am mad in the head. Nobody inderstands me. Nobody here has even wrote to me. this is just the icing on the cake. STOP IT stop thinking this way, you are not going to do it and you know you wont these are your thoughts you are stronger then your thoughts plus if anyone really reads this they are never going to want to talk to you anyway, but nobody wants to talk to me anyway. You are getting silly now, you do have people that want to talk to you but i dont ant to talk and burden then with my ****, i cant do it. Maybe it will be a good idea to, no, no way i couldnt do that. Look i really cant stop this now... Right you need to calm down, take a deep breath and tell yourself that this is crazy. Maybe this place isnt good for you. Maybe you should get out of here. But im afraid to be on my own. Blunt, do you want to die. no i dont, even tho i struggle ever single fukn day of my life i dont want to b a nother grave stone. I have so much to live for. But everyday is so tough. Look you have made big improvments in you life recently and dont let this slip make you do something you will regret. I reckon what you should do is give someone your tablets and tell them to give them to you when needed...ehhh ye but who there is no-one. What about ash? Cant giv em to her ya mad, she knows what you did
addictions are hard to overcome we truly believe that we need something or things just arent right. I am trying to quit smoking and it seems like when i think about quitting the more i smoke. I quit drinking three years ago so I know I have some self control butsmoking, has become so much a part of my life way to relax that it almost seems like i cant function right without acig.What i am trying to do is keepmyself busy and learn how to talk myself out of them justlike you were doing.Idont care what anyone else says but who knows you better than yourself,and who understands you more than you. the key is self control and attaining it is hard when chemicals are involved. Just remember this, Where the mind goes the man will follow. And iknow your mind is stronger than that tab or my cig.Reading is a good way to keep my mind off smoking, do you read
My mind is killing me...literally
r u still there? oh no...
OneDay, you are not alone, we are here for you holding your hand through this. You are so strong and so much inner strength to make it through this and come out stronger on the other end of it. You are so right, your sister needs you and loves you very much, please hold on to that thought. Can you please share about other positives in your life and only the positives. Thank you.
Positives? emm well its hard to focus on them right now. I knwo i have come thru so much in my life and i know deep down that i dont want to die but im thoughts are urges and sometimes i cant control the urges. But im afraid one day i will go over board an regret it, but i wont even have time to regret it coz it will be to late...
UGGH positives, riight iv emmm, emmm, emmm, i cant do it...i have mental block. Right really gona get some positives down now. I have come of drugs and am not 41 days clean. Even though i really wana get out of it, i desperatly do, i dont want to begin all over again...i wish i could be born again...not die, but be bron again. Uggh sorry this is making me quite stressed more i dont know wether its good for me being here, but all i know is i dont want to be alone with my thoughts...and i know thats what they are...
Positives, i have done college even tho it as hard..
I cant think im sorry...i dont know what is the best option for me now. I dont know wether to get off here, i dont know wether to stay here and talk, i dont know what to do? Im so glad to even know that someone will read this, even that little bit helps. So i guess i can say you are something positive right now and im sorry i dont like to even say these things to people, so ui dont i deal with it on my own, even tho im not really dealing well. I guess you can say thats a positive, ive deal with all this stuff on my on...but not to sure if thats a credibl positive but im tryin to not get back sucked into my head so im just keeping going on whatever is willing to come out of my mind but all that ****. But i dont know where to go from here..........
sorry i hate this and after today i will not be back on. Im afraid i may end up offending people. Coz so many people have been effected by this kinda thing and i know its not the right thing to do. Its just my thoughts...i can control them, well i cant really but i can control my actions, i guess that a crappy positive. I miss drugs to an extend but proud of the strong effort i have put into not taking them. Im aware i am completely waffling now but its keeping me occupied. 41 days is a long time off drugs. I still drink lots but will look at that another time coz it doesnt help me. I can sometimes have episodes where i turn into the one person i never said i would but i guess thats a positive. im aware of what drink does to me maybe one day i will have a positive where i give up drink...maybe...who knows, but that stuff is in the future and if i can keep my mind from straying, which its starting to do now i can feel im being pulled in my thoughts again. Right im rolling a smoke now to keep me occupied. Thank you btw, and sorry to be a burden its just difficult to be trapped in you head when it does this to me..i have before...uggh no, rolling a smoke
How do i tell someone about what happens me?
People dont understand what life is like for me. No matter how much i talk nobody will ever be in my head :( actully thats a good thing. I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy, which at this moment is me. I have only been on here twice and i have all ready made a show of myself. I feel like a fool. I dont think people want to reply to me. I think ive been judged and that upsets me. Can i delete my thingy? Want to delete myself...no not going there. I keep straying.
Hello Oneday, there are a lot of people on here, including me, that are here for you. I do not know what is in your head and I do not have to know. Tell me whatever you want.
bluebutterfly, i only seen ur msg there, no i dont read. I cant focus on it. I read one no 2 books but i find it realy hard to focus on reading a book. actully really liked one of the books Plus i remember in school reading was a problem for me. I duno but i developed a reading problem. If i was asked to read i would be really slow. Like i can read no problem, its just out loud with long words i have to kinda sound them out or something. But i developed i think because of my anxiety problems. But never got help for it and still have the problem today.
Its a bit weird the way im getting support badges things when im doing nothing! Wish life had that system. Pity init? Why cant all people be nice? Why do we lived in a messed up society where people do bad things? I know what goes thru my head is pretty bad but i cant help it. It upsets me that i think the way i do. I have tried getting help lots but i cant bring myself to say somethings plus i dont think people will belive the full extent.
I wish i could tell you my life from the begining but i know that everyone has a hard life and i dont feel i deserve any extra love or care. For you people to have evn replied means so much. I wish you nice people were here with me, but im guessing you dont! No but seriously, its really difficult to live sometimes and i would like to take the next turn of the road but then again i dont. Its like i cant stop thinking about dying and it torments me to the point where, well, you can guess. Look at me now, im a mess. I have come online and burdened you people who are reaching out to people. Respect to you all. x
healdedbyfaith, thnx for replying, shows there are people who care. I dont feel i deserve it tho. I just have a mind that takes over and once it begins i need a distraction from it and i dont kno what i can do about it. Like its not easy to tell someone your suicidal, i dont even think im suicidal i just think i am from my thoughts. I really want a life but i dont see myself with the life i want. Like its so hard for me to leave my front door, even my room. When i do i want to die, when im alone like this i want to die...thing is i dont really its just difficult. My counsellor at the moment, i tols her im completely different around people then when i am alone. I suffer from a few disorders, as you can proberly tell, and i never was able to say it to previous counsellors before so what i did as print off a sheet of paper, how petty, and handed it to her. I left some things out coz there was alot on it but even if i put it all into it i dnt think it wuda mattered coz we havnt worked thru them, and idk if we will either coz shes only an addiction counsellor so...
It 4.30am where i am from, i have just heard the first birds wake.
OneDay, thank you so much for sharing so much with us, it's really good to get to know you better and to understand what's going on so that we are be here for you and help you as best as possible. You have a lot of love and support here, we all want to see you get through this. I think that it's so good that you are sharing with us here because it helps get your thoughts out. I know that it helps me so much to get all of my thoughts out here.
Thank you so much for listing me as a positive, that made me smile from cheek to cheek. You are too kind.
And, being 41 days clean is a huge achievement, congratulations! I am so proud of you and you should be so proud of yourself.
I love the sound of birds in the morning. What are your plans for today?
It is only 11:47am here. Thanks for sharing! I wish I could give you a hug, so here is a virtual one (hugs)!!!!!!!
My plans are to get absolutly hammered, it will numb me but only for a short while. Not a good choice i know but im working on my drinking slowly. I drink in my home to medicate the anxiety so i can go out but i know when im depressed i can become angery. My few mates even told me they dont want me around when im like that. It only happens when i drink sprits so i dont drink them anymore, well i try. I dont know exactyl what im gona do yet but im not sitting around with myself drinking . Im gona get out and be with good friends. It difficult with where i live ya no, drugs are everywhere and people basically are encouraging me to take them but ive been stronger then that. See im really trying to help myself coz iv been thru so much pain caused by others and i want to take control of my life, which is one of the reasons why i loged in here bcoz when i get seriously depressed il admit have done stupid things in the past without thinking so this time i thought first. But im gona have ta talk to someone about these stages i go thru coz it scares me ya no. But im so glad for now i have been able get thru these few hours and live. I just have a few more to go until there are people up. I am so tired but when i put my head down im off again, my mind i mean but i think that you nice people have eased me a little. I was having serious moments where i would reach for thhe pills then threw them to the other side of the room only to pick them up again. They are urges and difficult to control, lost control a few times in the past. It has helped me knowing that people actully care. Its been a big factor missing in my life. You know, im not a self-fish person at all, all my short life i have been the one who has cared for everybody else but it took its toll along time ago. Im gona try care for me now, and i have tried, i do try...its just sometimes i see no light. Well the light is shining thru my window now, its still beeen a pretty dark night but there is a brighter day. I knew all i needed was a distraction and you people have given me this distraction. Tnx. Im exhausted now. I have really hard time sleeping, my mind again it doesnt stop. But im gona try get an hour or two. I know im not gona fall asleep now but if i dont try i would never get some kip. Im physically and mentally drained at this stage. I still want to pick up my tabs but i think ill just get drunk tonight (member im working on that too). My mind wants to drift back to where i was over 2 hours (jesus that long) ago but i am not going to let it happen. I duno if i can control my thoughts but im just going to let them run wild. Im not gona act upon them. I am just gona keep me pride and joy, who is my lil sister, in my mind and use her as motivation to stay in my bed and not get out to pick up anything, i think you know what i mean. I had a rough day, nearly caved a few times earlier but as i knew the night was growing i needed to reach out for help, coz like i said somewhere before i let it go to far before.