Need a distraction

so thank you people who took the time to reply go a desperate girl in need. I dont know if ill be on tomorrow but i might be. I might log in to say im still here...actully i may use that to motivate me. Ugh dunno but im gona get off this now in a few mins and want to say thank you. Its not been easy for me but yous have made it slightly easier. I can now lay my head on the pillow, try to rest and i have yous to thank for keeping me going tonight. Seriously you dont know how much you have done fore me, really you dont. To know that someone is listening is huge for me, it kept me going. Still struggling on, but on i go till another day at least. I knwo you mightnt understand my thought processes, i dont even understand them, but sorry for any crap within the text, there is alot mor crap in my head i refrained from saying. Plz dont judge, its difficult to be alone and you epople have keep me company, whatever little company you feel you have giving me, its ment a whole lot to me.

Tnx xxx

You are doing the right thing by taking care of you! Sometimes you just have to do that, take a step back and take care of you. I am headed to bed. I will check this when I get up in the morning. Try to have a good day.

hello Oneday,
First, you aren't crazy. In need of help sure but we all need that and you are no different. By help i mean a therapist, doctor or we other cases.

The WORST thing you can do is keep it inside where it eats at you. But you've done a positive thing by seeking this site out and talking. So see like everyone else you have a problem and it needs to be fixed.

This was the first step now go to the doctor for your second step. Then the third step therapy as it is always better to talk to someone who knows where you are coming from face to face.

I personally get overwhelmed even with the pills and i call a suicide line just to talk as they know where you are coming from. So do that if you like it's free.

Now home work for you since this thread is getting so deep i want you to private message me and let me know where you are with the steps. It can be hard so take it easy, we want less stress not more.

Heal up is the goal, and my best wishes to you

Well, im still here. Dont know how im awake coz i only splet for around 3hours. Tried to go back asleep but i have a knot in my stomach. Feeling somewhat ashamed but i know i needed to be here last night. Just had a good cry, tired to hold it back but couldnt. Better out then in that what they say. I dunno. I dont expect a reply just letting you know i got thru the night.

OneDay, I am so happy that you are here with us today, please know that no one here will ever judge you here. You made it through yesterday and you came here and shared with us, and that was a big step in the right direction. Now, let's take things one small step at a time and work on today. What is the one thing that you can do today to help yourself through this; have you thought of seeking treatment or therapy? This could be a next big step for you in order to get to a very good place.

Also, do you think that maybe it's best to spend some time away from friends who are using drugs so that you are out of the way of temptation. Though, I really do commend you for being so strong, I think that you are amazing. We are here for you, please keep sharing and let us know how you are doing.

Im happy you have replied. Feel a lil bit better but not alot. I know that i will be around people soon and that is keeping me going (even tho i want to not be with anyone - its a catch 22). I know that this is a stage thru depression and i will pull out of it so i must soilder on. I managed to get out of bed at least and have some food, even if it was 4pm when i did. Just after having a shower and feel fresher. It took effort to get up and stop procrasinating but i eventully did.
My psychiartrist is setting me in to more therapy soon, just dont know how im ment to explain the full extent of what i go thru. When im in a social situation i kinda make big things seem little coz its the ay ive been brought up plus the anxiety involved. Im in addiction counselling and see the counsellor once a week. She knows i have the intrusive thought on suicide but not to the extent. I handed her a page coz spoken words are difficult. She hasnt ran thru anything that was on the page yet, and dont know if she will either.
I dunno why but i feel sick, like im gona puke but i dont think i will. It might be the fact that i have to up properly, get ready and put on a fake smile. All my mates are gona be real happy and having a laugh. There funny people, but im just not on that buzz ya know. Im gona be having a few drink ina few and hoping that when im with them they will snap me out of it...even if ive to fake it. I know its not good being around people who do drugs hen im trying to not do them, but i swear, drugs are everyhere in my area and its difficult to not be around them. Even if i set myself aside and drink with people who dont do anything we will end up at the same party as the people who do. Thing is, the people who dont do drugs pay no notice to the people who are doing them, where as i really want to do them so its not easy being there.
Im hopeful that one day i can have peace of mind, but it seems like the more i progress the harder i fall. It makes me want to give up...sorry but it does...but i try to struggle on. All day ive had crying spells and i try to resist but just want to let it out. Its not nice to cry on your own, but i dont want to cry around people either. Its kinda like the things i want, i dont want either so im a bit messed up.

btw, my w button is a bit bogie so it may not appear on sum words. Thank you for replying to me.

Hi OneDay, I am so happy that you see both a psychiatrist and counselor to help you through this time. I am glad that you're feeling a bit better today, because a bit better is a step in the right direction. Also, I think that it's so great that you'll be with friends this eve, as it's good to get out and be around people, laughing and having some fun. It doesn't mean that the problems go away, but sometimes it eases our thoughts and gives us a different perspective. Please let me know how you're feeling after your night out. I am here for you.

Well i have only seen the psychairtrist once. I didnt like the vibe i got of her, its kinda like she didnt care but she is refering me onto more therapy. The counsellor im with, we dont really talk about my issues. On tuesday, i wont mention about how i am now, ill tell her im on a downer but i cant say what i was thinking, its like i dont have the words or the courgae. Plus its really shameful to say what i was doing so i wont. Its not easy to talk about that subject. Its not easy to even write it here as i feel as tho im being judged, even tho i may not be. Another reason why i keep this locked up is becoz i dont want to feel as tho im looking for attention. I have so much spinning round and round in my head that i dont know where it begins and where it ends, thing is it doesnt ever really end. It may ease but just to return again.
Last night with my friends up here, they knew i wasnt right. They kept asking me was i ok and of course i said im fine, its just what i do. It was awful being there with them trying to interact. I think it was best for me tho at that time, as difficult as it was. I did snap at them a few times becoz they were annoying me but i had good reason to do so, so it asnt like i as out of context (duno if thats the right word). I had to leave the room they were in a few times just to take a breather. I didnt drink much surprisly but its only coz i kicked them out early as it as to difficult to interact with them.
Im going out tonight and i know that this time it will be more difficult coz i wont be in my own home. So its not like i can kick them out when i want or go of and have a breather. I'll have no space it will feel like. Suppose i can just go home if i feel like it. But i do know its better to be around people, its just i dont feel like it right now. Im still really down and my thoughts are still running wild in my head, there never really not. I dunno how to shut them up. You dont have to reply, its ok, ive somehow gotten this far in my life with nobody so its ok if you dont want to write back to me. Plus i understand if you think im a nutter.
Im still lying in bed and its around 3.30pm. I really dont want to get up but i cant stay in bed all day, as much as i would love to, im starving and need something to eat. Food what a motivator! One of the few things i can enjoy.

I'm having the same kind of problem with booze, you seemed to have beaten your peoblem better than I have with mine, what advivw can you give me right now, I'm so tempted to have a vodka and when I have one I cant stop and then I get agro and do bad things.

hi, im nowhere near of drink. Maybe oneday, but not today. I am off drugs (still smoke hash/weed here and there) not alcohol. Best thing i can say is think of the consequences. When im on spirits i get violent and my emotions run wild. I also do bad things so i think of the consequences if i drank sprits. Plus the few people i have in my life told me they dont want me around when i behave in that way and that hurts. So i hurt me and i hurt them, so its a lose lose situtation, but if you dont drink that vodka you win. Sorry pretty lame advice. But i was told by someone if it usually feels a little uncomfortable then you doing the right thing, if you are comfortable drinking the drink its the wrong thing. I dunno how they worded it i cant really remember but i think that was something like it, dunno tho could be completely rong, i usualy am so...

Hmmm reading thru my post there i can think of the consequenses if i give into the urges i have from thoughts, but dunno if that makes me feel worse or better.

Hi oneday,
Weed is a heck of a lot better than booze, worst you'll get is munchies or the giggles. and the stuff calms you as you know.

Booze as you described it is NOT good. So i'm proud of you for NOT doing it.

But do try some of the simple tools i gave you ok!

Bye and has a nice sunny day

Oneday,
your urges didn't happen over night, so the fix won't either. Do what is asked of you and get the ball rolling so you feel a lot better.

bye

I'm a collection of a bunch of anxiety disorders. OCD, stuttering, social phobia, depression......
I can't stand life. I can't stand All OF THIS. Right now my stuttering is getting worse and i can't help it. It's frustrating. I can't talk to anyone I know because my family members think am okay for now and my few friends have NO idea i have any of these anxiety disorders.
Someone please talk to me.

I know, the feeling is mutual. Life with anxiety is hell. I crave to be able to leave my front door and have calm. I try my best to get over this but it seems like the is nothing that will work. Its a living nightmare. People who dont suffer from anxiety disorders will never understand ho hard it is to live life, which is sad coz it only adds to the lonely feeling. I try, i really do, it just seems like there is nothing left that will work. {{{hugs}}}

Hi OneDay, how are you doing and feeling today? What are your plans for tomorrow? Please only share what you feel comfortable sharing. I am just checking in with you.

Hi, thanks for asking how i am. Im still battling on but im feeling a little better. I went to yoga this evening with my friend...it was a complete and absolute effort to go but i know i need to get back to feeling ok and if i just stay in bed nothing is gona change. Had some volunteer work this morning too. im sooo glad it was quiet coz i dont think i have the emotional stability at the moment to really deal with any stuff. Have my appointment with my counsellor tomorrow. Im not going to say what iv been going thru, just gona say im on a downer. If she asks me, i will tell her, but not to the extent of my actions. Right now im just trying to be positive but its hard ya know. My mind is a lil clearer and i can tell im kinda coming around, for now anyay. A bit afraid of my next drop in mood. It comes on out of nowhere and i dont know really where to turn when it does. But not going to think about that until i have to. Thank you for asking, means alot

Hi OneDay! I am so happy to hear that you are doing better. Do you think that your counselor can help you potentially combat a future down swing if you were to open up to her? Maybe if you can do so in a way that's comfortable for you, then she can give you help, guidance and even tools in order to not go through this again.

It's great that you got up and pushed yourself to get out, sometimes we don't feel like doing so, but once we do it's so good for the soul. Please let me know how your appointment goes and how you are doing today.

Hi again. Feeling alot better. My mind, thank god is clearer. I have you people to thank for supporting me. the thoughts they never go but i can get a handle on them better which is good coz when thay are really really strong i scare myself. But at the same time i dont kno if i do want to live the suffering but how-in-ever im doing ok now. I sence a battle begining, so im 'chosing' not going there. I can choose now thet my heads clearer, let them fade into the backround..but there always there.
I dont know really how to answer your question. I dont know how my counsellor could help prevent me from falling. I did try to tell her before by typing up a page with my problems on it. I did put about suicide on it. I also said i tried OD before. I only said once tho coz i was kinda trying to not place emphasis on it. Wich it must have worked! I havnt been asked about it, maybe she thinks its not that bad coz i actully showed her i have that problem. But i fear for the time if i get questioned. Like its not something to be proud of. My psychairtrist, she asked me did i ever think about it. I said ye and that as that. Like im not good with words when im anxious, hich is all the time. Your right tho, i need tools to manage myself better when im warped in my mind. Maybe i can say something like how do i stop obsessing about things? But i kno hat question will come next, what things? I just dont know if ill be phscically be able to ask that question knowing hat comes next. I dunno ho to do it. Like i have planned to say things before, but as soon as im in the door and sitting in the seat, my mind goes blank and i cant think. All my good intentions go out the door. Thats why i wrote it on a page for her so she could ask me. But she never did. Im being refered to more therapy combined with what im in now, so maybe thats another chance for me. But i dunno if the thoughts will ever go away unless my life whole life changes, which im afraid it wont coz its not like i havnt tried, i have been in LOTS of therapy, iv tried sooo much but im still the same. Honestly, and it saddens me to say this, if the next therapy i go thru doesnt help me, im all out of hope. But for now all i can do is hope it helps me.
Nothing today in my session really helped me. Kinda just discussed my family and my addictions. I told her i was depressed all week and am still feelin meh but she told me that if i stay in bed all the time then i will have no energy. If i get up to do something, even something small then the energy will begin to flow. I know hat she means but i still wanna stay in bed all day! Its kinda like i have nothing to motivate me. But i am going to put effort in. Like the other day i dragged myself to yoga and today some one asked me to go to the park for an hour. I asnt going to go but somebody motivated me to get out of bed (i went back to bed after counselling) and i went. I went, was out for about 20mins and went home again. But at least i went! Thank you again!