Alright, This is kinda a big deal for me...
I just joined this site...And this is the first time for me to tell anyone other than my boyfriend and therapist about my eating disorder. I am 21 and I have been bulimic/ anorexic since the 6th grade. I am terrified of food and hate every part of it! I have been going to therapy for over a year for PTSD. We (my therapist and I) have been working on my bulimia but recently I have been throwing up every day. Witch is good and bad. Good because I'm not throwing up more than once per day but bad because I got it down to once a week.
It is a complete need for me in my life. I don't understand how to keep food in my body without feeling disgusting. I try/ force myself to keep food down but then I get severely depressed and down on myself....
I look at "normal" people and I do not understand how they can just eat food and not have any negative feelings about it. For example, I work in a restaurant, and when someone eats a pizza, they eat all of it and feel just fine...
First, if I were to eat a pizza. I would no only have to modify everything about it. But I am also severely picky about everything i put in my mouth and if someone sees me eating, I get overwhelmed with insecurity. Witch leads to the toilet...
How do you fix this? How long will it take? Because every time I get "better" I get bigger, and I am not ok with that!
Also, I wish I could go to an actual clinic treatment center my anxiety keeps me from doing so. :(
I can not trust leaving my boyfriend alone. Ever! And he has excepted that, and is ok with that.
I'm working on this as well because I am quite aware that this is not healthy.
I was traumatically abused for over 13 years by both my father and step mom. To the extent of conditioning, if that makes any sense to anyone.
I have so many faults from all of and I have become a very strong person from it all but day by day I am progressing. I am currently going through EMDR. It has helped dramatically, I no longer black out, witch is an amazing feeling.
But the main reason I joined this site was to find out and hear that I am not the only one who feels this way. That I am not the only one that has the tendencies of thinking that an eating disorder is ok, -that I am not the only one who struggles.
Much Love.