Everyday. I have to wean myself everyday from my paraphilic disorder, a disorder involving arousal from atypical situations, and why does it seem like it will just go on forever? I am 25. My therapist says it will last into my 30s. What? I have to feel like I’m detoxing everyday roughly 4,000 days. And for what? My life is shit and has been since Day 1. I won’t do this just “for my family.” They are the reason I’m this way. Oh but everything is lovely and you can tell your family anything, my mother says. Not when you have incestual thoughts and other problematic thoughts. I’m condemned. Everyday. Born in hell. Do not say you know how I feel. My condition is feeling like a monster in order “to improve.” The internet says therapy is one of the few cures for my disorder. Oh, I live with my mother too, whom I hate at least half the time. Married an asshole with a sex addiction and never told me until a year ago someone on her side had sex addiction. They divorced, separated, and I live with her. Tells me it’s not my fault I developed an addiction. I still let it progress to this point, and it is 100% my responsibility to fix it. You would think a disorder would mean it’s NOT something I can fix mentally. If that’s true, why do I go to therapy? Oh, and I thought I was going to find love in middle or high school. Oh, and I so thought I was going to go to college, graduate at 22, meet someone about that time or after, become a successful moviemaker. I really thought that was me. But no: 25 years on this earth and it was wrong. WHAT IS MY LIFE? No love, no movies, no purpose, all failure. Learning not to have such high expectations has not elevated my existence from that of a wandering ghost.
Guess it was just too much for you guys?
Sorry, i haven’t been great about checking out things. Sounds like you are in a tough position. My personal issues, i have learned, are mine and i cant blame anyone, I have to forgive my parents for my issues. They did the best they could a the time and based on what they knew. I suggest that you look for ways to work on yourself and do things for yourself. I couldn’t work my sobriety for family, my kids or wife, i had to work it for me. and stay true to myself.
No, I don’t know how you feel, but I know what it feels like to want to rid myself of something I consider undesirable. There are no easy responses to your comments. But I will tell you to keep trying to improve! Keep going to therapy and keep searching for ways to improve, whatever that means for you TODAY. Try to resist thinking about what life will be like at 30 years of age. You are 25 and alive. Is there something you enjoy doing that will give you a sense of “calm?” I’m not suggesting ignore your thoughts, but I know from experience that when I am actively doing things that bring me a sense of “calm” intrusive thoughts don’t hardly seem able to compete with that focus. What we resist, persist. What would happen if several thoughts came to your mind and you approached the thoughts as a curious observer or like greeting an unwanted friend who you don’t want to be rude to, so you have to figure out a diplomatic way of cutting the convo short, so you can do something that adds value to your life. These, of course, are suggestions, that have worked for me–not perfectly, but on some level. Focus on getting to 26 years old, which is to say, work takes work, so give yourself some grace as you make progress, not matter how small. You are not perfect, and neither is anyone else despite how much they brag. We are all working through something. You just happen to be open about it. Be Well!