Need relationship advice; Reposting because I realized I posted this originally in the wrong group.
For context: My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly two years. We live in the same state, however, our universities are about 2 hours away from each other. We have been doing fine given the long distance but lately our relationship has turned south in some aspects. He says it's because of the distance and my lack of communication with him such as responding in very short messages (which I admit to). From my perspective (which I have told him) is because of the lack of romance in our relationship and that it feels like we are just friends other than the fact that we are sexually intimate. Furthermore, I told him that about two weeks, our relationship has turned me off because I've been in pain sometimes when we are sexually intimate and I would feel more comfortable using condoms. He never acted concerned that I was in pain up to this week, two weeks after the conversation, and instead, expressed how using a condom would make him feel "less connected" to me...which to me makes me feel as though he's more concerned about his own sexual desires versus my pain during/after sexual intercourse and prevention of pregnancy. So, about three-four days ago, we both decided to focus more on having a "friend" relationship to see if we are compatible which was actually his idea and to be honest, I told him that was the problem, I am NOT just his friend and I don't want to be treated as such because that's why it's called a "girlfriend" and vice versa. Also, ever since he practically expressed that my pain isn't of concern regarding us having sexual intercourse, I have stopped wearing the promise ring he bought me...
For further context: He told me a few days ago that me not having expressed my pain during or after sexual intercourse isn't his fault because I didn't tell him that before (which I can respect), however, I have told him that I am "sore" often times after and he gets sad when I say no because I am sore...and it turns me off a lot as far as my perspective of him goes.
1 Heart
I'm sorry that you're in that situation. You're boyfriend is showing red flags. ANY boyfriend, should be respectful of your wishes...especially where it concerns sex.
The fact that you expressed wanting to use condoms (which is VERY reasonable), and he's arguing, shows that he's not going to respect your wishes. Any time that you say no, and an argument ensues, feel free to say "if you respect me, you'll respect my wishes."
When you told him no because you're sore, and he gets "sad"...TOUGH! YOUR BODY, YOUR CHOICE! He said that you didn't tell him that sex hurts...but you did! Telling him that you're sore is letting him know that it hurts. The fact that he tries to manipulate you by acting sad is frankly unacceptable.
He has shown you his true colors. He has let you know where he stands by stating that he "wants to be friends". If that's not what you want, let him go. He's not worth it, and you deserve better.
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@Justwanttobeloved Yeah…what’s particularly annoying about it is that he knows that I’m a rape and sexual assault victim and he does that…when I say he “acts sad” what I mean is that let’s say him and I had sexual intercourse the other day and the next day, I am sore. Sometimes, I forget that I am sore until we start having sexual intercourse and I tell him “I’m sorry, I’m still sore” and he makes a frowny face. He does act concerned concerned but him making a frowny face makes me feel bad because I can’t help it. Honestly, it’s more so of the condom situation that bothers me because I can be on birth control and he can get a vasectomy, but he gets upset when I say I want a tubal ligation because it’s “more invasive” since it requires a more so surgical procedure than a vasectomy. I’m only 22 but I have literally always known since I was a child that I never wanted to give birth and I find it ironic from a man who is “pro choice” isn’t pro choice when it comes to the type of birth control I want for myself essentially. Now, I don’t want a tubal ligation because I’ve never had surgery so I am scared of surgical procedures and that type of stuff but still, it should be my choice. I’ve been on Nexplanon honestly.
He sounds manipulating and wanting his cake abd eat it too so to speak. Definitely some flags there and trust your gut but above all validate your feelings which sounds like he is not doing that
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Wow! He KNOWS that you're a rape victim and STILL acts that way?! How disrespectful! Don't give in to his frowny! That's manipulative! He has no say on whether you get a tubal ligation or not. It's YOUR body, NOT his. On top of that, if you know that you don't want to give birth, that's YOUR choice, NOT his.
Is this the kind of guy that you want to be with? One who disregards your feelings because he wants something? You should be with a guy who respects YOU AS WELL as your feelings and wishes. Not to mention, a guy who can please you sexually WITHOUT hurting you.
If he doesn't respect your wishes sexually, what else will he eventually disregard? Plus, he wants to be friends, even though you said that isn't what you want. Find someone who TRULY wants to be with you. A real man will respect your wishes regardless!
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@Justwanttobeloved Yeah I’m realizing that lately alongside the help of my therapist that I can just say “no” and I don’t have to have sexual intercourse with someone just because I’m dating them. I don’t know right now if he’s who I want to be with. Him and I are currently ‘testing’ (for lack of words) our relationship and if we are still compatible. He’s acknowledged this week that I’ve been working on the things I said I would such as being more communicative when we do talk (largely texting) over the phone instead of short replies. However, he hasn’t worked on what he said he would which was the romance part that I said our relationship has feel like it’s been lacking. I don’t understand how I have to explain to someone how they can be romantic in a long distance relationship and I don’t want to have to say “oh I like it when you text me cute messages in the morning, affirmations, etc” I just feel like that’s really obvious…