Need some encouragement today myself. For the most part Mom

Need some encouragement today myself. For the most part Mom has been good, But there are days where she has these "I am getting outta here" moments. So now she is looking to speak to the social worker at the skilled nursing facility she is in. Everyone keeps telling me I did the right thing, and I know I did too. I have to work, and I am not independently wealthy. She CANNOT be home alone!!! AT ALL. There have been too many close calls. I know she doesn't understand this. Although she does think she is there because (her words) she fell one time and sometimes she cannot remember things. I wish she would try to make the best of things. But all she seems to know is what SHE wants. Not realizing if she goes home, she will be right back into her old habits. None of that was healthy. In fact, some were dangerous. I will tell you folks I am exhausted, I feel the 2 fold loss that the website talks about. I would love to talk to her about things, but I cannot. Right now with my situation, I am hurting more than ever. I am surrounded with having to make some pretty large decisions about several things at the moment. Thank God He has my back because otherwise I would be panicked. I am lonely in this and don't really have anyone specific to talk to. Any words of encouragement any of you could give would certainly be a blessing.

I worked for a large senior living company for 10 years. I watched this process with thousands of families. I am glad that you are here and looking for support. Support is so essential in your case because we "think" we are still dealing with the person we knew when we really are not. What you have done is best for all. Try to look at your decisions now similar to some of the decisions she made as a mother regarding your welfare. You may not have agreed but she most likely knew better than you at that time. Also, as you go down this road with her, try to have your visits be more about just being near each other, not conversation necessarily. Let there be silence at times and know that she will become better at "feeling" you more than understanding you.

@wsbyrne Hello, I started to type my response earlier and it disappeared. Thank you for reminding me of the fact that she is not her old self. Although much of her personality is still there. I even think she, deep down inside, KNOWS she needs care. But the sad reality is, she is not admitting that. So time and again she brings up about getting out of there and making a way on her own. i am so wishing this is what she would forget. Truthfully I wish she was not forgetting anything but if she has to forget something, why can’t she forget that one? I do so long for the visits where she just talks about the old movies or her books. But lately her going home keeps coming up, by her of course. I am going to try your advice and just keep it light. Lord knows, I do try to stay far away from those hot button topics. But at times, I have not been able to ignore some of the things she says either. It is such a rough place. Ironically I am also separated. My husband was not really good at being supportive. Truthfully we did not get along much of the time. I know he thinks differently but he really wasn’t supportive. So now more than ever, I know he would not be good through this. I am trying to focus on mom’s happiness right now,

See if she gets involved with any activities where she lives. Maybe arts, crafts, or games.

@bebobaBetty I really wish she was more social. Don’t get me wrong, she is friendly enough but she is not really into arts and crafts or games. She has participated in some events there, but more often than not she is either in her room or walking the hallways with her walker.

Sorry you were treated so bad by your husband. Glad you moved out.

@bebobaBetty Thanks. It really was a mess. Like anything else in this world, it takes two to tango as they say. My fault with the husband was I put up with things I should have never put up with to begin with. Then I did start arguing back. Honestly, now that I have been away from that environment, there were so many things he was not honest about. I can see that now. So many promises not kept. He is by far the most stubborn person I know and I cannot say that I know why. His choices are not helping his life work out so why would anyone just choose to keep spiraling downward? It is like everyone else can see this for what it is but he can’t? Our marriage counselor gave up on us, because of him. She told me she saw no change. She also said she doesn’t know what is in his heart. Well Lord knows, neither do I. But I am a firm believer in whatever is in one’s heart, the mouth eventually speaks it out. Everything he has spoken to me has been bad. Worse than bad. The funny thing is he will say he loves me but his actions are contrary. Here is another piece of the puzzle. He does not take any accountability. No matter who it is or what the situation is - it is everyone else’s fault. I have also been concerned about his physical health. There are so many things he doesn’t remember. He loves to sleep and he has no motivation to get his life in order. He used to complain of headaches ALL THE TIME, but when I suggested a doctor visit, it gets shot down or he knows better what is causing the problem. I think I mentioned a friend of mine, her husband was diagnosed with FTD (type of dementia) and there really are times when my husband sounded in many ways like that type of problem. I also believe he has had depression for many years and unresolved things from his past, that he never got the proper treatment or care for. I remembered hearing once if depression goes untreated for a while, it is a very bad thing. Sad thing for him is he really would have had the world with me if he would have just shown me he cared. But after all this emotional abuse and - as I like to call it - torture, I know I do not want to live my life that way. I even used to tell him that, if we were going to just torture each other, let’s call it a day. I believe the only reason we are not divorced already is financial. He is not working and probably cannot afford it right now. And due to all the expenses involved with my Mom, neither can I at the moment. We are both middle aged and no children together, no assets together. It was a second marriage for the both of us, so he already had his own home and vehicle and so did I. So it will be easy enough to proceed once we have the money.
I just feel after this last episode where he has been deceiving me, again words not matching his actions, I cannot continue. He has offered no explanation, no apologies. My last words to him were unless he can talk to me about that - I have nothing more to say to him. Still being nice and offering him a chance. But no effort has been made on his part. So I am done. None of that behavior says love to me.

Even now in all this with my Mom, he went to see her once on Valentine’s Day and it probably was only because he had his own agenda. He got her a card and he left one with her for me. He did not go visit her before that and he has not gone back and visited her since. He is not working at the moment so it is not like he doesn’t have the time. My Mother has always liked him. For the most part he can appear to be a nice guy but he is not someone to be married to that is for sure. In fact my self esteem has improved by leaps and bounds since I left. I was so torn down by him. People are actually nice to me, helpful to me and have complimented me. This post is probably going to be huge and I didn’t mean to go on and on about that topic. That one belongs on a different board. But here is an ironic twist. I met a man (not for seeing or dating and such) whose mother is in the same facility as mine. I do not run into him all the time because we are on different schedules. But when he & I had the occasion to talk. Both his Mom and mine had almost exactly the same thing. His mom had fallen and although mine says she did not, she was still on the floor when I came home and found her. His mom had a UTI and so did mine. They both ended up in the same hospital. And from there this particular rehab/skilled nursing facility. But here is the point I am getting to. He had mentioned to me that he is separated. His daughter was with him one night and she is just a beautiful young woman. A very happy face. But prior in our talks, he mentioned that he is separated because (brace yourself) his wife doesn’t understand this whole thing with his mother. I will be blunt honest here, I do not buy that one. I do believe there are “icing on the cake” where women are concerned. But I have a difficult time believing they are separated because he is in a difficult position with his mother. Women are women and although we are all not the same, just as all men are not the same - I believe she was probably unhappy for a very long time. We are not quitters. Women for the most part are always the ones trying to keep their families together. I thought I might suggest this to him next time I see him but I don’t even know if it would be worth it. Because much like my husband - will he listen??? Or just continue to blame her??? I do believe since they were together for so many years - they should look at the family pictures. Does she look unhappy prior to all this happening with his mother? If so - then this is not the problem. Funny because my husband and I have little or no pictures. We certainly did not have any of us around our home. But if we did - I bet I can go back 5+ years where it was just getting worse and worse, and I am sure I would not have appeared happy either. Everyone smiles for pictures but one can still see unhappiness through the smiles. I would venture a guess that a woman who has that beautiful of a daughter is really incapable of not caring about her husband’s mom.