Need someone to talk to

I'm going through a hard time right now and don't have anyone to talk to about it. My fiance...or the person I thought was my fiance and I have been together for the almost 3 years. I love him so much and can't imagine my life without him. However, I know that he is part of online dating sites. He is making plans to meet with other woman. Some I know he has not carried through with, but others I'm not sure. Lately so much has hurt - some of the things he says, does, etc. But then I think about not being with him and am afraid the hurt would be even worse. I don't know what to do. I can't imagine leaving, but I can't imagine things being like this either. Things get better, but always go back to this. He has been there for me, supported me while I work and go to school full time, supported me through difficult times with my daughter's father, etc. I love him so much. But I can't do this. I can't do this anymore and I don't know what to do. I don't understand why he keeps doing this. Doesn't he know how much I love him? We have been through so much together - both of us. I don't understand. Why? Why not just tell me it's over if he doesn't want to be with me. Why tell me that he loves me and make me feel like he cares. I know he is doing these things and yet in my heart, I still feel that he loves me and cares for me. But my mind is telling me to wake up - you don't do this to people you care about. It hurts so much. I don't know what to do. I cant keep going through this. I worry so much about what will happen if I leave though. He isn't working right now - where will he go? Or maybe I shouldn't worry about that - he seems to have enough other "friends". It still is hard not to worry though. You can't just turn off your feelings for someone. Even though he is hurting me so much, I can't just stop caring about him. I don't know what to do. I can't keep going like this, but I don't feel like I can be without him either. I know that is stupid to say, everyone survives a break up, but it hurts so much. And I don't have anyone else. I don't want my friends to think less of him or my family so I can't share these things with them. I can't keep doing this though. At home each night, alone, waiting for him to come home. He just called and said he was coming home and that was hours ago. Why? Why do that to me? I feel stupid going to some online support group, but I don't know what else to do with myself? I have so much school work to do, but it is so hard to concentrate. I just hate hurting so much. How can someone that loved you once hurt you so much. Or what if he never loved me? I don't think that's true, it can't be true. But why is he doing this to me??? I could never do this to him - I could never hurt him like this. Why? I keep asking God, why?

sal2401-

i am so sorry about your dilemma. It seems that if you two made a commitment to one another then he should not be seeing other people. Have you talked to him about this? If not you need to sit down and talk to him about the situation and also what commitment means to each of you and what expectations you have for one another. You need to let him know how you feel. If he is not in the same place as you right now and still wants to see other people and you don't, then you do need to end this relationship because it is only bringing you sadness and you can't force someone to be a certain way if they do not want to be. Of course it will hurt, but how much longer can you stay in this kind of relationship? You do deserve someone who wants to be with just you.

Good luck with everything!

He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
Tell him to take his cake and shove it up his a*s...you're going to a different bakery from now on!

LMAO Love your outlook. liz

I was refering, to the comment above.

I agree with Beautiful Dizzaster. If he is on the prowl, while he is with you, he is worse than garbage. I*'m sorry that I sound to blunt, but I have been used b4 and don't like to see men use other women.

Dear Sal, No matter that our mind tells us, we'll survive a breakup, our heart has a different take. A broken heart is so painful and it takes one to reconize one. My husband had an affair 8 years ago and our marriage ended in divorce. It took 2 years but with his consistant heartfelt apologies and persistant appeals for a second chance we re-established a great relationship. What I learned is that when women get busy with "life" men can feel left out and look for attention elseware. I don't mean to excuse their behavior, but rather find a reason why they are willing to risk loosing a relationship, for a trist. I think most men are insecure and selfish. They only think of their needs and think their too smart to get caught. When they get caught they sometimes become defensive, which only makes matters worse. I told my husband many times had he only came clean and apologized, rather than deny and defend his behavior, we may have avoided a lot of pain. I agree you need to muster the courage and confront him with what you know and how you feel. Inevitably you will have to let the chips fall where they may. We are here to help you pick up the pieces either way they fall. Keep posting. I have learned since the death of my love, April 7th, this is the best therapy for me and I hope it will be for you. There are many of us who care. Hugs, Raylene

Sal, my heart goes out to you during this difficult time you are going through. He sounds like a player to me. No one deserves to be treated like dirt! I've been married for 11 years and we have been together 13 years and I still deal with so much hurt from him. I love him and I really can't picture my life without him. I'm a very independent woman, always have been, and my husband can't stand it. I do depend on him more than he gives me credit for but I'm not going to be told at my age 33 who my friends can be and what I can and cannot do. I read a quote the other day; "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."- Cindy Clabough. I have a 14yr old son and two step kids 18yr and 15yr. My husband is 35yr old. He has been married once before. He is a perfectionist and has OCD very bad and no meds. I get tired of being wrong no matter what I say or do he always finds something wrong with something. I asked him one night that the only problem I have with him is his negativity. He always thinks the worse of things before they are worked out. He can't be positive about anything except when he accomplishes a goal or task. Another thing I can't stand is, when your man tries to tell you how you feel...NO ONE is ever allowed to assume or tell you how you are feeling because they are not YOU! Until a person walks in your shoes along your journey through life they will NEVER know how you truly feel. You got to believe in yourself and most of all you have LOVE yourself. I hate verbal, mental, emotional abuse. But I truly understand why some women put up with it. I don't wish that on my worst enemy. I am very strong in my faith. God has helped me in so many ways but he has also punished me in some ways. I am a mother, friend, wife,sister, daughter, granddaughter, and so on. I do feel alone sometimes but that is just the devil knocking at your door. Always remember and tell yourself these four things when you need encouragement; (1) "I am somebody", (2)"In Gods eyes, I'm special", (3) " I have a purpose", (4) "I Love Myself". I don't know what is ahead of my journey but I'm going to take charge of my HEART! I hope I gave you some encouragement and hope. You are not alone by no means. With pain comes strength. Thanks for letting me share my thoughts from my heart. God Bless and Good Luck!!!!

Im pretty sure I know how your feeling wanting to hold onto something u know is not really working. I tried to hold on to this relationship I was in for eight years and put up with emotional and even physical abuse because when it was good it was really good. He manipulated me so well that he had me convinced I was worthles at times and this coming from ahad been self sufficient and earned double what he made. I was his boss when we met. By the end of it all I had lost everything because I bought into all the bad feelings he made me feel. You know in your heart when something is not right and when someone truly doesnt apreciate and love you the way you deserved to be loved. I waited till he told me there was someone else he wanted to be with more and this was the straw that broke the camels back. this forced me to finally look at myself and ask myself why would I be willing to take this from someone. why would I allow them to treat me this way as if I didnt matter.It is extremely hard to let go especially when you believe you still love this person but I have started to make list of all that he has done to hurt me to remind myself this is not love. someone who loves you doesnt hurt you on a daily basis and try to devalue you. ask yourself what would be more painful-to stay and keep going thru the constant misery or to let go and hurt for a while and it will hurt but the pain will end and then there is hope that you can have a healthy loving relationship with someone who truly loves u and respects u. I just walked away from 8 years and its killing me but i keep reminding myself how much more it hurt to stay and wonder what next he would do that would cause me even more pain. its hard to walk away but sometimes we must. take care of yourself. I hope something I said helps you.

sounds like such a tough bind! you love him but you are also hurt by his actions. i'm so sorry. perhaps it's worth taking the time to work on yourself and to figure out what is keeping you in this relationship.

Sal

Please don't stay with him. the signs are there and you need to care and love yourself. You can't worry about him not having any where to go. I think he is waiting for you to break up with him so you look like the bad one because he was there for you thru the good and bad, but If he goes on dates with other women he doesn't care how it makes you feel. He keeps you around because he believes you will always be there...he could be telling these women you are a roommate. Please put yourself first. I know you can. I don't want you to get used and mistreated. Take care and you have support just let people help you and be there for you in your tough time. Yes people change and sometimes people come in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Focus only on you.

Dear Sal, I'm sorry you're hurting right now and it seems to me like you're being played with. At a minimum, he's creating emotional relationships with others and you need to realize there is something that makes him do that. While it sounds like you really love the guy, you need to love yourself more. Any of us deserve better than that. It's easy to look back at when he's been there for you, but it dosen't sound like he's there for you now. Being single can suck, but you'll never have a chance to find someone who appreciates and loves you while you're in this relationship with someone that sounds pretty arrogant! You're stronger than you think, and I don't think you are getting what you need from this guy! I wish you courage and self confidence to make the right decision. God Bless You.

Hey Sal2401:

You will be stronger than you think. You will survive this in stride and be a better person for it!

He is showing you what he is really made of. That's all he is doing. And Aren't you lucky you are finding this out now and not later.

I am Soooooo sorry you are so hurt. I have been there sooo many times, as have most others.

Please wait for someone who adores you and wouldn't dream of hurting you-YOU DESERVE IT!!!

Love and hugs, S

DEAR SAL2401,
My heart bleeds for you, unfountaley the internet can b an evil tool if you allow it, Satan is defintely present , if your a tempted person the opportunity awaits, Plz take no responablitiy for his actions, he is an adult many women and men have develpoed such "sexual addictions " whether it's cyber or real, if he is wired like this it wouldn't matter who he is with. You need to take the steps to secure a personal stituation for yourself , if u are undergoing these conditions prior to marriage the commitment may take him over the top to full physical adultery, don't open yourself up to a life time of heartache and distrust you deserve better, take a stand before it's to late, he thinks he's got u hook line and sinker..prove otherwhise , there's a real person out there for you...Amen

Im sorry you are going through this. I too am going through the exact same thing. I also cant tell my family and friends. i have no one to turn to because im in a place i have never been to. I would leave him. Dont worry about where he is going to stay. I know its hard because we never want anything bad to happen to the ones we love. It seems like he is not ready to settle down to just one person. As im writing this im realizing i should take my own advice

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I think you need to sit down and speak to him and really think what's triggering him to cheat because sometimes we woman have something to do with that but just don't acknowledge it if he's such a good man you say he is sit down with him and talk and work it out. Communicate!