Need somewhere to get some support

Mental Health Anxiety & Panic Disorders
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Hello everyone. I'm John and I'm 16 years old. I suffer from depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, and recently, my father passed away from prostate cancer. I'd like to tell my story here, and whether you decide to read it or not, well that's up to you. I just need to get this out in the open, and any support will be appreciated.

When I was around 7 or 8, I was molested by my gay cousin, who at the time was in his 30s. I haven't told anyone about this, but it haunts me every day. I don't know why, but it just makes me feel horrible every day. I feel like a useless excuse for a man. This piece of my past is absolutely degrading, and it reminds me of how little I am worth to my family.

Now, when I was about 12, I started suffering from anxiety and depression. Sadly, it runs in my family. Now, I wasn't prescribed any medications for depression until I was 14, mood swings when I was 15, and anxiety this year. I've had several panic attacks, but I've kept it generally under control. However, the depression has caused me some issues.

When I was 15 I suffered a lot from depression. I looked into suicide, and my sense of self-worth was nonexistent. I researched 20+ different ways to kill myself, and I cut myself. This was probably the lowest point I've reached in my life so far.

7 months ago, I lost my father to cancer. My father was my role model, and now he's gone. I feel as though I have to become the man of my family now that my father is gone, and I feel like I have to live up to the amazing man that was my father.

Now, I just feel like I'm worthless. I feel as though my friends are only my friends because they pity me, and my depression is starting to come back in full force. I just want to disappear. I feel as though I'm a pathetic excuse for a man, and that I am nothing but a disappointment to everyone that I've ever met.

Thank you for reading my story, and I hope that I can find some support from the community here. If you have any questions, feel free to ask and I will respond as soon as possible.

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I've lost someone who care about before i cant honestly say it gets easier but babysteps help.

3

when i was five i was molested by an older cousin he was sixteen and for a long time i felt the way you did. Im twenty four now. Im bipolar and agoraphobic. I am also gay myself and i hope that this little detail doesnt make you hate me or all others that are that way. I lost my father to Gastro-Intestinal cancer about four years ago and he to me, like you, was my role model my hero and my best friend. Currently im very depressed and ive slit my wrists twice since he died. Im not going to try and tell you that its going to to get easier anytime soon, but i do agree with the babysteps comment. And things do tend to get worse before they get better. I felt and still for the most part feel worthless as well as a person and as a man like you have stated. But writing your feelings down and sharing them with some one who has been through a similar situation can help. So if you do want to talk to me anytime just message me. If you are still not able to bring yourself to deal with anyone homosexual because of what happened then thats fine too we all have to deal with our issues our own way. But no matter if you decide to write back or not i do hope you find yourself in a better frame of mind. And hopefully someday in the future you will find yourself to be a strong minded, and strong willed man because of the torment and hardships youve went through. Good luck regardless.

A possible friend,
Agoramethis

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Thanks for sharing your story. I think you are brave for trying to 'sort' yourself out. I hope in time you will find the answers

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You are so brave! Thank you so much for sharing! I am so sorry for your father's loss and the suffering you are going through. I hope you will find that what you really want is not to feel this way anymore . . . and not that you really want to end your young life. You have so much more to live for and life will offer it to you only if you are here to receive it!

What is wrong with living up to your father's legacy? This sounds like an amazing tribute to him! Talk about a reason to live! Hunny, please rethink this!

write more soon!
Caryn

6

You've encountered the pain of many forms of loss over a very short period of time. Any friend worth a grain of salt to you should be concerned for you and encourage you to talk. I don't know your father or what example he set for you. I've lost my own and I miss his presence and advice; but I have not grown to be my father. What makes you strong and powerful in other's eyes and your own is holding to your values, questioning the status quo and letting your light shine. You honor yourself and those you respect by making commitments to yourself and holding them, setting goals and following through, meeting adversity with courage or faith, being a friend and having compassion for others. As for the exploitation, I would suggest talking to a professional therapist without your family present at first, to give you a safe outlet to talk about this shame you are feeling. If you don't feel comfortable talking with your family about getting to that therapist, get help from your school, coach or a trusted adult. You are not alone and are worthy of whatever love life brings your way.

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Johnnyman94:

I'm sixteen years old and was also abused by a member of my family. I understand a lot of the feelings you describe, as I started self harming at a very young age. I want you to know that you have someone your age who knows exactly. Two years ago last February I lost my two best friends in a tragic plane crash through the air cadet. A few months later I lost my teacher, whom I was very close to, then my great uncle a few months after that. So I know to some extent the feelings you are experiencing. Try to write your feelings down, and then tear it up into tiny pieces. It helps because you are getting your feelings out and then letting them go. Try it. :) And you have found a great place to find support. :) Good luck.

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youve been throught a lot at such a young age. i personally have not lost a close member of my family but i can just imagine what that much be like. i adore my mom, shes my best friend and i cant imagine what it would be like without her. i have contemplated suicide on and off for YEARS. but what kept me from doing it is one, my mom, and two, life does get better. i know youre feeling like it never will and that you will always be like this. it might get worse before you feel better. but i gaurentee you it will. youre still so young and have a lot to look forward too! you dad is never completely gone, hes always going to be with you and im sure you know that. and truthfully you friends now may not be your friends in a few years. that just how it is at your age, people changed so dramatically. you shouldnt just stop being friends with them, even if its not a true friendship i find its nice just have people around you. you shouldnt pressure yourself to live up to your dads legacy. you are your own man and he was a great role model so you he is still someone to look up to but dont put yourself down if you cant be exactly like him. i really hope i somehow helped a little and i hope things look up for you soon. if you ever want to talk you can message me :)