hi, i recently joined this site in hope to get some advice but no one responds, i just recently got removed from my home by the police and a protection order against me, my wife says i grabbed her and threatened her, i did neither, but its her word against mine and they took hers, i have been married for 9 years, most of them great, we have a 6 yr old son who i love more than life itself, i spend(or did spend) everyday with him, we have a great relationship, now my wife has wanted me out for sometime due to us arguing over money , we both have great jobs but she like to gamble, we never had any problems untill the gambeling started, and now everything went down hill. yes i get mad and yell or talk too loudly but never abusely, i want this marriage to work but i dont think she does, i want it to work for the sake of my son to keep his family together, his home, school and friends, i am willing to do whatever it takes to reconsile this but she keeps pushing away, what should i do, i have never been alone and i am going crazy, i cant see my son, i cant talk to her to try and work this out, i have no friends to hang out with, i have no social life i just sit and stare into space wondering what i did to deserve this, and why am i being punished, i love her and my son and want to be a family, what do i do?
Bigjohn1966 - i am sorry that no one has answered your posts here. It sounds like you have a tough situation to deal with and try to make work. Have you seek counseling? or perhaps found a family counselor that can help guide you or mediate conversations between you and your wife? this might help, and even if it doesn’t save your marriage it could at least help you two to find some middle ground so you can raise your son peacefully.
Hi thanks for the response. Yes I have started counseling I have been to 2 different ones so far. I don't really know what to expect from them. I just know I am hurting and lonely and nothing takes the pain or the memories away
Hi Bigjohn, I too am sorry for no responses, they've changed some things around on the site so please excuse us for being slow. Am so glad you've sought assistance from a counselor as that will eventually guide you towards the betterment for all surrounding this situation. Please do your best to continue w/counseling & sharing w/us if & when you feel like talking as that is a step in the right direction. Have you discussed this w/your counselor about your wifes gambling issues so they can direct you to your next phase? & if so would your wife be willing to STOP protecting HER addiction & the eventual down fall of your family. It may be wise to start lining up other options for you & your son so he has somewhere to go w/you if your wife isnt willing to acknowledge what you've described.
Keep talking w/us, we're listening.
April
Hi I believe my wife dosent want help. I was told by friends she don't want me there. We have court tomorrow for the protection order and I am do scared I won't be able to go home. I miss my son and my home. Today I am literally falling apart. My whole body is numb like pins and needles. I don't think I can start over. I am trying to be strong but meeting new people is not my strong suit. I truly am in great pain now I can't be alone I have never been alone and I don't know how to deal with it
You wife needs to grow up. Stand firm in what is right. Pray, become objective to this terrible situation you are in.
Thanks mark. I am so lost and empty. I miss my son so much. He is only 6 and he doesn't deserve this. All he knows is when daddy is home everyday. Now I am not there for the most important years of his life. I feel like I have let him down and I am a loser and a terrible dad. This is going to devastate him for his life. I wish I could go back in time and redo this awful event. I feel so worthless
Stay strong. Im married and feel alone. I think that counceling is important. I need to do it as well. I dont know what is worse though seperating or living together and having the same sense of being totally alone. My husband doesnt seem to get it and he has some issues as well, not gambling, but still an problem he should address. My son is 7 and I want whats best for him.
You're not alone, I promise. Listen, I don't know the details, but your wife's gambling problem is monumental. The first truth is she doesn't want help - that means YOU CAN'T HELP HER. It's so difficult, I'm so sorry, but it's a fact. It's easy to do what she did to you, calling the cops on you and getting a restraining order against you. Now she's freer to do what she's driven to do which is gamble and anything else she wants. You have to realize that you can't help her but you can fight for your son and I hope you get a lawyer and fight for joint custody if you end up splitting. He needs you even more than you need him, don't be intimidated by her or what she may try to do. Stand firm in the truth and fight for what's right. Put everything you can into doing what's right and you will have more strength and success than you realize. I'm so sorry for your pain. Life is desperately diffucult at times, but let it be a teacher. Look for the good, look for wisdom, pray if you can and know that I'm praying for you. Focus on that little boy and being in his life. You can't fix your wife, you will be wasting your efforts if you try. Her addiction has nothing to do with you and if you simply let go of her problems as much as you can and let her do what she needs to do, she will come back to you if she truly loves you which I would venture to guess that she does. Addiction is utterly blinding and can make anyone believe that things are not really what they seem like she may very well love you but she's distracted completely by this right now. You can't do anything about it, you have to realize that. Be strong, my friend. You are not alone. Don't ever forget.
Bigjohn - you are not a terrible father, just reading here about how much you miss and love your son shows that you are a caring father and your son is lucky. If your wife doesn’t want help, the only thing you can do is help yourself to better the situation. I think counseling is good and i hope that helps you to find peace slowly and work through this situation. Pray and i will send you good thoughts that things go well in court. Let us know how is goes.
Big John,
I feel for your situation because it is your child that is ultimately suffering. In the case of a parent who is not acting rationally, I believe that all bets are out the window and that we should do all that we can to protect our child: Your wife is an adult and needs to take responsibility for her actions.
I know that all of this has blindsided you and you are shocked and filled with grief. Take a moment to adjust to this new situation and do not be surprised by anything else she throws in your direction because she has committed the ultimate of betraying your trust by beginning the process of destroying your family.
You can try to help her as a friend, perhaps, but not as a husband any longer. You must emotionally distance yourself from your problems, otherwise you will only set yourself up to get hurt even more...
On the other hand, you cannot try to make someone give up an addiction if they can't see the possibility of doing so. She has fallen in love with this new preoccupation of hers and has already turned on you like an animal that feels threatened. Remember, even our own pets can respond similarly in biting the hand that feeds them...
What she did was extreme. I have trouble viewing it as a normal response. Fights, yes. Break-ups, yes. Restraining order? No, not in your case.
She is forgetting herself and her commitment to her family. She may as well be on crack. (I am sorry if I am too harsh. I hate to see you wasting your time, while jeopardizing yourself and your son's emotional and mental stability).
Thanks for all the support. We had court today and she got what she wanted. She hot a 180 days protection order where I can't see her or talk to her. Also I can't see my son or talk to him. She convinced the lawyers I am a dangerous bad person and she and my son are scared of me. He is 6. And he is saying what she tells him to. I have never even scolded my son. I can't believe this is happening. We have to go see a psychologist to see if I'm a bad man before I can have visitation with him. And she served me with divorce papers today too. I am hurting so much right now. I guess now I have to play hardball. But I feel so guilty about all this my son is the one who will suffer the most and it hurts me everytime I think about him in this mess. He don't deserve this
BigJohn, Victoria & Lil_Dipper are correct in that you need to take it slowly & focus on you & what needs to be done to see it through, that way YOU will be able to see your son regardless of what his mother is instilling while you go through obstacles to reach the otherside. Do you best to not focus on whats being said that will only weaken you emotionally, look in the mirror at yourself & be good to yourself while you wade through this toxic crap, any counselor will surely see through whats really going on unless theres something to be utilized or the counselor is inexperienced, so dont even think that way.
Mark, isitjustme & Truedancer, great abvice, keep it up.
April
BigJohn, I'm so sorry for the horrendous mess she's creating but you don't have to sink to her level, please remember. I'm hopeful for when you talk to the psych. The truth is on your side, just show them your heart and try to be as calm as possible. I've heard that the judges watch behavior of the parents. They can be discerning and it's possible that the judge will sense who you really are and who your wife really is. Hold on, buddy. We're with you. Praying for you. Be strong. You'll get through this, I promise you. Always, always, always be mindful of the fact that whatever you do, you're always an example for your son. If you are a hero, no one will need to tell him. When he gets older, I promise you, he'll see if for himself and that is so very powerful. Keep everything in the proper perspective. Don't let her shake you. Keep your head. Supporting you always, BigJohn.
BigJohn, we are all wishing you well and that we could be with you to help you forget what you are going through for the moment. Believe me, no matter how big something is, you sometimes have to forget about it for moments throughout the day just to keep sane.
So, please do that...because I would prefer that you not have a panic or anxiety attack, like I've been having. You can be focused, but try not to think about it ALL THE TIME.
Lots of love to you and your son,
Lil_Dipper
Hi yesterday worrying and today I sure felt like I was having a panic attack I seem ok when I'm talking to people and once I am alone it hits me how much I screwed up and lost everything I have. I wish just for 1 day she lost everything like the shoe was on the other foot. Then she might realize what I'm going thru and not seeing my son. Today in court I seen her and it made me sick for what she has done to me. Everyone is telling me I should have fought harder during the protection order but my lawyer said once we go to court for divorce. The protection order becomes null and void and we have to abide by the divorce agreement I hope this is true. Because protection order is for 180 days and we are to have court for divorce in about. 30 days so I won't have to wait the full 180 days. I am glad I have people here that support me. Thanks to you all. I too have Been praying everyday for me to go home today but God didn't answer me today. I don't know why. I not real religious but I do believe and I pray everynight for thanks.
I'm really sorry for what is happening to you, it is so sad when there are so many people who don't want to be a dad and don't pay attention to or provide for their kids. And here you want to but are being kept away from your child by lies.
I don't know what to say other than that I'm sorry...I hope you get this worked out and that you can soon gain joint custody of your son.
You can't help her if she doesn't want help. It sounds like she just got tired of you being after her about her gambling problem, and cooked up this story to get rid of you and so that she can play the "victim".
If she just is doing this so she can run around and gamble and do whatever, that is a really ****** thing. To make up lies.
The child suffers.
So if she was choked where is her proof of that? Was she seen in the emergency room? If there is no injury then it is simply her word against yours.
You are in my thoughts.
hi everyone, exactly joker-girl where is the proof, there is none because it never happened, i think the court system is all messed up, the police have never been called to my house nor has she ever been to hospital, i wish she would take responsibility for her gambling and get help, i think she will just lose the house anyways and someday she will relize together we could have worked through this instead of losing everything we have, poor conlan, my son, i feel so bad for him because all i wanted in life was to make him happy and give him the life every little child deserves, he is so innocencet and happy, he had everything he wanted until now, she told the courts today he is scared of me, i think she is telling him these things to say, and i think he remembers the last thing of us together was us arguing, i really miss him
Hi bigjohn,
Sorry to hear that you are in the predicament that you are in. I know every ones situation is different. But I have similiar things that are like yours. I was ask to leave the house. Its been 5 months since I've been home. I have 3 children and its very [ainful to be away from my kids everyday. I can;t sleep with them during the week and it tore me up inside being so alone. Hang in there. It does have its up and down days. What has carried me alot is my faith in Jesus. Things in my life have changed but I am not perfect. I do see my kids, but not to the extent that I want to. I wish I could change the past just like you. Ive been married for 10 years this dec. Hang in there, counsenling does help. I'll be praying for you Sir. Find comfort in his words.
LamentCa
Lamentca hello. It too has been almost 10 years for me. I do pray and I started reading bible everyday and I like it. I guess I was expecting Jesus to just make everything go back to the way it was but in court I got shafted. But I will still believe on him and his word. Maybe this is Gods plan for me and great things might come out if this in the end. But i miss my son so much. I havnt seen him in 11 days now. What happened on your situation if I can ask. Hope to hear from you thanks