ok, I joined this group to try and learn something, anything. I am a 40 year-old woman who was divorced last fall after 11 years of marriage.
I've never had an orgasm.
I've been to doctors, therapists, et al. It isn't physical, I'm pretty **** sure it is in my head. I've tried masterbation, toys, viagra, etc..
If nothing changes, I will go the rest of my life without having sex because I never thinnk about sex. I don't understand sex obviously because I've never had the fulfillment.
help!?
There must be some sort of therapist out there that specializes in this area. I have no advice, but think there are many women who may share the same problem. I would just recommend to not give up, and continue to do research and you will find help.
Gosh hon I'm so sorry, & your guts are probably correct so keep trying to find someone that can assist in your search, am sure there others out there that will read your post & offer some guidance.
Take care of you.
April
Perhaps this article/interview from Wired magazine will convince you that there are many routes to the female orgasm, maybe give you an idea or two. Interesting stuff.
Hi mgiffordhome,
I have two ideas which might be of help to you. The first results from your comment in your posting that you never think about sex. That causes me to wonder if you might be a sexual anorexic (the opposite of a sex addict, someone who is compulsively asexual). I don't know whether that's your problem or not, but it's certainly something worth checking out. Most sexual anorexics are survivors of incest or other childhood sexual abuse. There is an excellent book out there on the subject titled, "Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred", by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book can be ordered from: www.amazon.com.
My other thought involves the physicians and therapists you've seen. While they all may be very good, I doubt that any of them were sex specialists. I know it sounds kind of crazy, but if you have a heart problem, you see a cardiologist, and if you have diabetes, you see an endocrinologist. So it only makes sense that if you're having sexual problems you should see a sex specialist. But where do you find such individuals?
Fortunately, there is a group out there called the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (A.A.S.E.C.T.). This is a professional association whose members include physicians and surgeons, psychologists and social workers, priests, ministers, and rabbis (and a few nuns), as well as sex educators who work for various public school districts. All have had very special and often involved training related to sex and sexuality, and those on their referral list have all been certified as experts in their fields. You might look at it as similar to having the neighborhood handyman trying to fix a plumbing problem your home versus having a master plumber do the job. Anyway, you can check out this group and see who they have on their referral list in your area by going to their website: www.aasect.org/. (I know about this group because I was a member for 35+ years, and am a certified sex educator and therapist. I am also a retired counseling psychologist).
Just as an aside, if you decide to go the counseling route, please consider the possibility that unresolved issues related to childhood incest or other sexual abuse may be at the root of your problem. If you would like to see if you are a survivor of such things, there is a group called Survivors of Incest Anonymous (S.I.A.) that has a little self-test that is pretty accurate. You can find the group and the test at: www.siawso. Just for your information, if you answer three (3) or more of their questions "Yes", there's a pretty good chance that you are a survivor, even if you don't remember anything. I hope something here helps. Good luck to you.
charli0217,
I love you! thank you, thank you for all this information. I’m always totally open with pretty much everyone I know re: this issue because I know that one day someone will know the answer. So far, you’ve come the closest. I will check out all three areas you outlined in your comment.
any other information you can provide would be fabulous. I want to join the rest of the world in this area. I just don’t understand it because I don’t have any sexual desire.
again, thank you!
Melissa Gifford
Westerly, RI
Hi Melissa,
Glad I was able to help. Let me just say that if the sexual anorexia winds up to be the problem, there are five different Twelve Step fellowships for sexual addiction where you can get some help and support for that issue. If you will see my Support Tip on this site concerning these groups, you will find all of the contact information you'll need for each of these groups. Also, if the anorexia is the problem, you might benefit from talking with a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist. You can find lists of such individuals on two (2) different websites:
Sex Help
www.sexhelp.com/
Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health
www.sash.net/
Most of the names on the lists should be the same, but there may be a name or two on one list that isn't on the other. That's because new folks get certified all the time, and sometimes one list is more up to date than the other.
Also for your information, the organization I talked about, A.A.S.E.C.T. is an EXTREMELY professional group. Some of the early group members included people such as Alfred Kinsey of the Kinsey Institute, Dr. William Masters of the Masters and Johnson Institute, and Dr. John Money of the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. The folks who are members of this group are the absolute best of the best. This organization is affiliated with groups such as S.E.I.C.U.S. (Sex Education and Information Council of the U.S.) which provides sex education curricula for the schools and with S.S.S.S. (Society for the Scientific Study of Sex), a professional organization which encourages and supports research into sexually related matters. Much of their research relates to medical issues, although several of their recent studies have been directly related to sexual addiction.
As far as the incest issue goes, if you feel there might be something to that, there are a couple of other thoughts I'd have for you. The first is a book that has a workbook available as a companion item that deals with these issues. The book is titled, "Courage To Heal", and it was written by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass. It's been around for years, and it is absolutely the BEST book out there for female survivors. I've had dozens of friends use the book to help them work through some of the issues related to their abuse, and I've recommended it to dozens and dozens of other women. All I can is, it's FANTASTIC!! But be warned: Dealing with these incest issues can be very painful, and the best way to deal with this pain is to have a good personal support system in place.
That brings me to my second point. In my earlier response, I told you about the Twelve Step support group for incest survivors called Survivors of Incest Anonymous (S.I.A.). They generally sponsor groups on the east coast, which is where you are. But there is a second group which is generally more active on the west coast, although you will occasionally find one of their meetings back your way. So let me give you the information on this group as well:
Incest Survivors Anonymous (I.S.A.)
www.lafn.org/medical/isa/home.html
Despite the similar name, this is a totally separate and autonomous group that has no connection in any way with Survivors of Incest Anonymous (S.I.A.).
You can find out about both of these groups by checking out their websites, and you may even be able to find a partial listing of group meetings. (Between these two organizations, the sponsor hundreds and hundreds of weekly support group meetings in cities, towns, and villages all across the U.S.). But to really find out if there are any support groups that meet in your area, you will probably need to call or write each of the groups. They do things this way for security reasons. They don't want any perpetrators to wander into one of their support meetings, and such individuals will very seldom go to all the trouble of calling or writing to find out about meeting days, times, and locations. If you decide to E-mail or write the groups, you will need to include your name (first name only will do), where you live, and your sex. The sex is important because they do have some meetings that are just for men and you don't want to be referred to the wrong support group.
As far as the therapist goes, I have several ideas concerning where you might go for referrals to someone who is familiar with incest issues. My first idea would be to call ChildHelp U.S.A. Their phones are answered 24/7 by trained therapists who work with survivors of child abuse (both adult and child survivors) and will have referrals to therapists in your area who specialize in incest issues. Their phone number is (800)-4-A-CHILD. Another place you might want to check out is a group called the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (www.isst-d.org). They have a Find-A-Therapist section on this website. These people have all been specifically trained to work with trauma survivors (and you would be considered such a survivor if you were subjected to incest or other sexual abuse as a child).
Next, you might want to check with your local office of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. Although you are DEFINITELY NOT mentally ill, you are looking for a counselor, and these folks will know all of the therapists in your area as well as their areas of specialization. So they can be a good local resource for you. If you can't locate your local office, you can go to this group's national website: www.nami.org. Another local resource that might be able to help you would be your local Y.W.C.A. This group will sometimes provide FREE counseling services for survivors of rape or incest. Their fees are paid by a grant from the U.S. Justice Department. If the Y.W.C.A. doesn't work out, try calling your local rape crisis "hotline". They will also provide FREE counseling to survivors of rape or incest. If you can't find a phone number for your local crisis center, you can call the National Sexual Assault "Hotline" at (800)-656-HOPE. That number is answered 24/7.
There are a couple of websites that might be of some help to you since they provide all kinds of information for incest survivors. One of them is managed by a group called RAINN (rainn.org), and the other is managed by the Sidran Group (www.sidran.org).
If the cost of counseling is a concern for you, check with your local colleges and universities to see if they offer graduate degrees in clinical psychology, counseling psychology, or social work. If they do, they probably have clinics which will be open to the public. The counseling would be done by students who are in the last semester of graduate work. Of course, they would be directly supervised by a licensed professional who will make sure your counseling stays on track. You might also want to contact any theological seminaries in your area to see if they offer graduate degrees in pastoral counseling. If they do, then the same sort of clinic arrangement may apply.
And finally, you might want to call your local United Way and ask them for referrals to an agency that offers counseling services on a sliding fee scale based on your income.
Another place to get this same information would be your local suicide prevention "hotline". Now you might not want to call such a "hotline" if you weren't actually suicidal. Well don't let that stop you. I worked at the suicide prevention "hotline" here in St. Louis for about eight (8) years, first as a volunteer and later as one of their part-time staff people. We got about 150 calls a day, but only 2 or 3 were actually suicidal. The rest were folks like you who needed help but didn't know where to look for it. So go ahead and call your local "hotline". They are there to help you. If you can't find the phone number for your local "hotline", you can call the National Suicide "Hotline" at (800)-273-8255 and your call will be automatically transferred to the crisis center that handles your geographical area.
That about covers it for now, so I guess I'll go ahead and close. I know this is an awful lot of information for you to digest, but the point I'm trying to make is that there is help out there. Sometimes, all you have to do is keep digging and digging until you find someone who can help you. Of course, if you don't know where to even begin to dig, you're kind of up the creek without a paddle. Hopefully, something either here or in my prior response will be the referral that will do the trick for you. I certainly hope that's the case. Take care of yourself, and if you think of it, let me know how things work out for you. Good luck!!