Last year on May 28th I deliverd a stillbirth. Everything happened so fast I tried to block most of it out. Since then I have been living in this fear of dieing or I read stories of things people have done and worry I will turn into that. I just dont know how to get my thoughts under control. It could be the most stupidist thing and I think Im going to turn into that. I just had a little boy 4 months ago and just the other day I read a story about a pedofile.......i was so disgusted...but then there goes my mind...thinking how did that person become that? I let my little one lay on me all the time or i steal all his kisses does that mean I will turn into one too? Or the mom who was so obbsessed with her son and she killed his wife(lifetime movie) will that be me. When Im not thinking of crazyness I worry that I have some illness. I never had any of these issues until I lost my little boy last year Do you think I have too much time on my hands. I dont want any of you to think I would ever do anything to my son, thats not going to happen I dont have feeling for him in that way and I DO know right from wrong and thats disgusting. I just have crazy thoughts that I dont want to have. Its to the point that I think I freak my self out that I get butterflies everyti,e i get near him and then i turn those butterflies into getting in the mood. and I freak out. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I get those feeling everytime i think about the pedophile stuff no matter if my son is there or not so thats what makes me think it has nothing to do with him. Please dont pass judgement...thanks
Would be wise if affordable to seek counseling that way you may find some relief w/your thoughts running away within you at times. A counselor may be capable of helping assist you thinking some of these thoughts through instead of them becoming an issue or obsession or upsetting you.
You'd mention a stillborn & I'm so sorry for your loss.
We're all here to talk w/anytime you want.
Take care of you.
April
Counseling would help, sorry for your loss. I wish you well!
Dear quin 1823
I am saddened to hear of the loss of your baby.
I wonder if your emotional state has become such that you are confusing your own natural femine broodinees wiht unacceptalble feelings. in extreem emotinal states the mind can do funny things.
You have lost a baby and getting broody may be natures way of compensating.
Babyjadey has good advice, about seeking a councellor if you can afford it.
I am a gay bloke and I had another gay freind tell me of his gruesome childhood, his dad used to beat off infront of him and now he can only be turned on by thinking of his dad, strangly he thinks this makes him a paedo. traumatic circumstances do funny things to the mind.
you have become very anxious and for some reason when you get anxous you get broody/horny. I know you have said you have already had another child so you may feel why would I go on "compensating" for the loss if i have now got a lovely baby?
I think the key is in how you opened up to us all here, "eveerything happened so fast I tried to block most of it out" and this seems to be the area you need to investigate with a professional, if possible.
You are going through so much pain, and you have said it all began after the still birth. you have not mentioned any ohter children prior to your still born, was the still born your first (sorry I cannot use a name, it feels so disrespectful to refer to your baby as the still born)
I had a job in a hospital where mothers were offered funerals for their still borns. I dont know if you were offered this, it has existed in some flagship english hospitals for a couple of years now.
such a rite means the priest/vicar needs a name for the child. although very painful for you, naming the child you have lost can be very carthartic.
if it is too late to late for a funeral you could you have a memorial. The quakers are an excellent organisation and may be willing to do one for you, if you would like this you need to hire out thier hall and ask the Clerk to preside over the rite. Most Quaker centres (called Friends meeting houses) do not need you to be a member, i have found quakers in england at least to be very gay friendly, which cannot be said of some christain denominations.
I feel very sad as I write this as I can remember the nurses who helped mothers in these circumstances, and it kinda gets you.
NB
Dear Quin, Im sorry for ur loss. I too lost a sibling when i was four and ever since her death. i became afraid of dying. as i got older, i made it mission to not let anyone harm my brothers, or for death to happen again. Unaware of my OCD, i watched all TV shows on pedofiles, to educate my self on the subject. i wanted to protect my brothers. however, watching these shows didnt help my mind because i thought i could turn into one. As my brothers got older, i was able to let go of these fears, however the fear of death never left me.
I became a mom past my thirties, and i got hit with really bad postpartum. i read an article that stated that women past thirty will sometimes get really bad postpartum than a woman in her twenties. (im unaware of ur age, but this info might help). my OCD and the postpartum took over my mind completely, and i was depressed for months. Also i felt somewhat weird, when i was breastfeeding, and i was too embarassed to ask my doctor if it was normal (were human) and i need to remind myself of that. I saw a counselor and she diagnosed me postpartum and OCD. i never took meds, i was to angry to take them. i didnt want believe that i have this problem. the postpartum is out of my system, and i feel alot better. Get all the help u can, and i suggest u not watch anything on TV that will cause u anxiety. God Bless....
Hello Quin,
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I agree with much of what Northernboy said... such traumatic events can deal traumatic blows to the mind. I agree that seeking the advice of a couselor may help you out if you are able to. I wish you well!