At group last night we were asked to think of what might have caused or triggered our ed and what is currently keeping us there and maintaining it.
The cause: for me there were a few things. Mainly I had an employer tell me I'm too fat to work in the industry I do (beauty) and that I'm not what the company sees as beautiful and therefore a poor representation of the company. I worked there for 8 years. This was one of the triggers, one of many but a main one none the less.
Maintanance: what's keeping me there is quite strange. I still work. In beauty, a different company but still heavily involved in beauty. I was obese when they hired me, lost 135lbs and am now what most would say 'normal'. Now its the positive comments I get from clients - 'you look so good NOW', 'you lost weight you look amazing NOW', 'you always had a pretty face but wow look at you NOW' and it goes on. I can't go a single hour without hearing compliments, drives me crazy. Then I get the concerned ones: 'you shouldn't lose anymore weight', 'when are you gonna stop'...what, I was too fat for everyone before now I'm too thin?
I think work is extremely toxic for me. Compliments while may seem like a nicw gesture, fuel ed and bring me to a horrible place. Beauty is all I know, what do I do?! I know recovery won't happen if I continue to work where I do :(
Compliments can be torture for people that torture themselves to get the compliments. When I hear OMG you look soo goood I wish I could be that skinny. It is a double edged sword. I get sad that anyone would want to be like me when I feel so horrible about myself and that if they knew what i had to do to look they way I do, they woul be happy... And at the same time it fuels the fire to be thin. Like wow I really look good? then what ia m doing cant be bad.
the comments of "when are you gong to stop." also double edge, it sparks the questions of "why? do I look bad?" and feelings of never being good enough. And at the same time (for me anyway) I am almost happy that i feel like they are jealous...
It is toxic, and people do not understand the meanings and impacts of their words. Try to stay positive and try to work towards the healthiest and happiest person you can be :)
I agree! Compliments can be torture and insults can mean death! I remeber he first time someone said to me "my you are looking a little chubby!’ I was only 120lbs. That was 17 years ago and I have been battlng anorexia and bulimia ever since. I am at the point right now to where I don’t know where to turn. I am at one of my lowest weights. I want to go into a clinic but I am soooo scared of food and I knowthat is what they will do to me. Make me eat. What is is going to take o make me get over this fear? Does anyone have any suggestions or anything that has helped them? We have no therapy here for ED where I live. My psych has no idea how to treat an eaing disorder. Th meds I am on are not helping. I don’t know the rules to well on this support group, but can anyone tell me if they found any good medication that helped them get this? I go into a panic attack when I eat!! Please help!!
Hi Casey, it seems like you understand what I'm saying. While I realize I cannot stop people from commenting on how diff I ook now/good I look now, however, I do not believe I can heal in an enviorment I deem toxic. Why can't they compliment the colour of my shirt or that my shoes are cute? No its always, always how much weight I've lost and how good I look.
I most def understand what you are saying, I wish people could stick to the basics, people do NOT understand what trigger statments are. Unless you are a person that is triggered it's hard to understand how the things you say can effect people. All I can say is try to be strong and look past what everyone is saying and know that if you are working towards eing the healthiest you that you can be then their words no longer can harm you. Stay strong Lilac <3
I agree with Casey; compliments are definitely a double-edged sword. For me, they make me feel trapped--like I always need to keep improving our else I'm going to disappoint people. *Sigh*. Not a good feeling. And yes, it does seem unfair that people can comment on both sides--first that you need to lost weight and then that you're losing too much! It's sort of a darned if you do, darned if you don't situation. I mean, it may be a legitimate concern that you're losing too much, but that doesn't make it feel any better. In fact, it makes it feel worse. At any rate, I don't mean to second-guess your choices, but are you positive that beauty is the right industry for you right now? If it is, great! But maybe something to reexamine...
im left speechless lilac----this is why i would never ever work in a beauty industry world cause then you get these shallow crazy people. ughhh what your employer said is downright ABUSIVE. you could have totally taken him/her to court and WON a lawsuit against him/her cause that is called abuse harassment. ive seen many many cases online about this. this is DISCRIMINATION. i would hate to tell you to get another job if you love it--but if it is causing you an ED --id say maybe find another job??? it is hard for me to say and i dont want to exactly say that but if you are working in a negative thin obsessed atmosphere then i might suggest finding another line of work... just a suggestion you dont have to take it at all.
we live in a sick sick shallow world. it is sick ---and crazy how people judge one another on looks alone. it makes me want to go live somewhere where they dont do that but they do. this world is just nuts basically ... sigh...it is ashame to me how awful and cruel and evil this society is and honestly--i want no part of it. im not like the part of soceity that is shallow. see, i dont see people for their outsides but their insides. i might be the only one in the world like that but it is the best way to be. i would never ever judge/ comment on a person if they lost weight or judge a person based on size. i might say someone looks beautiful but i would never comment on the body for that is not right...
i , for myself---step back from shallowness of the world and focus on life and love and nature and kindness. i will never be shallow like soceity is and one of my pet peeves is superficiality... i only surround myself with good hearted people who dont look on the outside but inside...
as far as these comments go---i really dont know what to say except tell them that you dont want to hear it and what they say is bugging you. set boundaries. tell them i dont like it when you comment on my weight loss. it is your body --stand up for it... speak out...
I actually did sue the former company Maureen; it was myself in the room, the man i mentioned and his 2 assistants. It was basically their word against mine and they all stuck to their story and said I repeatedly misunderstood what they were trying to say (yeah, right..) and the cost got so high with lawyer fees and such (ran me about 10k in the hole that im still in debt for) that i had to drop the suit. It wasnt even about suing them for money, it was the fact that it was WRONG and all 3 of them knew it. At the end of the day I believe in Karma, it's a ***** and its gonna come back and bite all 3 of them - I have to believe that otherwise reality is just too hard a pill to swallow.
You should better focus on how you should respond to this ''compliments'' .... no matter what you do ... where u go ... people will always talk and I am sure we cant really read their minds when they say smth !
I often belived that people could only my belly at me ... if someone looked at me I was sure he or she is thinking .. look at her belly , it s huge and desguesting ! and if someone made a joke or smth ... I would become instantly sad !
I guess our self esteem is too low and we pay attention to this and dont respond apropriate !
Feel good for yourself ... other can say things becausse they are envious , bored or whatever ! Pay attention to your needs !
Great topic and great comments too!
I work as a Personal Trainer so always feel under pressure to look lean and strong. How else would people believe me that I'm good at what I do? And a lot of my clients see me as a good role model. If they only knew...
I feel horrible for telling them one thing yet not being able to do all those things myself. And when I hear 'you look so strong and healthy' all I can think is I'm not skinny enough!
I haven't been able to work properly for the last few months as my anxiety got so bad but even if I could go back I'd much rather want to work with animals. My dream job is to be an Animal Cruelty Investigator or Animal Welfare Officer. Yes you'd still have to deal a lot with people but it won't be about how you look rather about what you do!!
I think it would do all of us good to focus on our abilities and skills instead of our looks. yeah, we might have some mental issues but that requires genius, doesn't it? :-)