New here and finally admitting I have a problem

Hi there,

I am a 35 year old mother of two amazing little girls. I think I have what might be considered a mild eating disorder. I am basically obsessed with my weight, my body, and I am constantly dieting. I am never happy with where I am weight-wise, and I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I am always thinking about my weight, about losing weight, about looking better. I constantly compare my body with those around me and feel fat and self conscious. I think about food and dieting more than is normal. I constantly sabotage myself in terms of eating healthy and losing weight. It is a vicious, stupid cycle and I am sick of it. I want it to stop.

I'm not thin but I am certainly not what most people would consider overweight. I am soft and have curves. I am not the weight I would like to be, but that weight would not make me underweight. I just want to clarify that before I go on.

I've spent the better part of my life trying to lose weight. I went on my first diet at 15 years old, but even before that I remember feeling fat as a child (even though I was not). By the time I was 16 years old I was ---- and that eventually led to an eating disorder that did not last long because throwing up was ruining my teeth and I got counseling for some of the bad things that had happened to me as a young teen.

I have been on every diet there is in the world, including ones my parents paid lots of money for. I have taken diet pills, weight loss aides, bought every exercise machine in the world and I have even had plastic surgery to remove fat from my thighs (which I have only told 3 people about). I regret that most of all because I didn't end up with the results I wanted and actually feel my body looked better before this.

I got really into fitness for a while before I met my ex-husband. I still wasn't happy with my weight, but I was happy to be in good shape. When I met my ex I stopped exercising altogether. Oddly, I felt really good about myself for a while...and then my ex decided HE wanted to lose weight. We both went on a diet and lost a ton of weight and I was the thinnest I have ever been in my whole life. I also bought a convertible and got engaged that year. I had a huge birthday/engagement party and was the happiest I'd been in my life. The following year I had a dream wedding with a size --wedding dress. I spent a month in Asia. I gained ---- over the course of my wedding and honeymoon, but I didn't care. I was still thin. I came home and got pregnant.

Being pregnant was the first time in my whole life in which I didn't think about my weight and I wasn't dieting. I walked a lot and did yoga and eat healthy foods, but I also spent every night in front of the TV with a bag of chips and some peanut M&Ms. I loved being pregnant! I gained a fairly normal amount of weight with my first pregnancy and lost it all fairly quickly. When my child was 8 months old, I got pregnant again. It was the same situation with that pregnancy...lots of junk food and happy as can be. After my second child, I lost all the weight but ----. My marriage crumbled. I ended my marriage. My baby self weaned in the middle of that. I lost------

Since that time one and a half years ago, I have lost and gained the same --- at least 5 times. I am constantly dieting and then sabotaging myself by pigging out on junk food. I am angry at myself all the time. I am thinking about my weight all the time. I am planning a diet every day of my life. I feel fat, I feel unattractive, I feel ugly.

I recently started working out a lot. By a lot I mean an hour or so 5 days a week, not obsessively. I really really enjoy it and I feel good about it and know it is healthy. However, I haven 't been eating well at all. I don't eat enough, I drink too much coffee, I think about my size too much. At night, I eat junk food. Despite working out 5 days a week, my clothes are getting tighter. I hate this and am angry at myself. I keep telling myself tomorrow I will do better, on Monday I will eat properly...and I never seem to stick to a normal, healthy eating plan!

I am single and this does not help with my body issues. In fact, looking back on my life and the love choices I have made, I never really felt I was good enough to find a really good man. I am sure this is why I settled for the complete and total mess of a man I married.

I want to lose the weight that I have been trying to lose since having children (well, my whole life really), but I also want to stop obsessing about my weight. I want to stop thinking about dieting and thinking about my size. I want to stop this constant yo yo of losing and gaining weight and of feeling accomplished and then feeling failure. I want to stop sabotaging myself all the time. I know how to lose weight and I have a plan...to eat a healthy, balanced diet and to work out 5 days a week. Nothing unhealthy about that plan, but why is it I cannot just DO it and keep going back to eating too little or sabotaging my efforts at night with junk food? I can and have done anything I want in my life. I am a strong, empowered woman and I deserve this. I am fearless and have always been able to do things on my own. Why can't I just get a handle on this?

S

Why can't you "just" get a handle on this? BECAUSE THIS ONE TOUGH DISEASE! It's hard to kick, and it's a very serious issue. Have you tried seeking professional help, either from your family doctor or from a therapist of some kind? It might really help. At any rate, it's a good place to start.

I'll be thinking of you, and I'm always here if you want to chat. Keep posting, and let us know how things are going.

Vero

S..I agree...you can't expect to do this without help. It's not because you are weak, but because this is a monster of a disorder, and you simply need professional help to move past it into a life of freedom! You can do it!
Please check into your options for seeing someone who is experienced with treating eating disorders...you deserve to get the help you need! Please keep writing, and also take caution to refrain from using numbers in your posts....take care...Jan ♥

S,

The problem is dieting, not you. ♥ Dieting doesn't work. Over and over and over people pump hundreds and thousands of dollars into weight loss programs, and then when they fail, they blame themselves instead of the diet. What an easy business to be in, eh?? :P Been there, done that. The trouble is, that our bodies can only go so long without adequate nutrition. Then, they demand what we have withheld, and we often end up eating more than we would have otherwise. Been there, done that, too. ;0) And one of the biggest problems with the whole dieting world is that our view of "normal eating" is terribly skewed... Using what I had been taught to eat through various weight loss programs, I cut my calories below that... And then beat myself up when I ultimately binged. It came as quite a shock to me, in my recovery, to find that I need to eat TWICE as much as I was, just to maintain my weight! WOW!!

I don't know if you feel ready to talk to a therapist about this... I had to reach a pretty desperate place to do that myself. :) But I think it would be great if you would think about seeing a nutritionist; particularly one that specializes in eating disorders. I bet you'd be shocked to learn what your body actually needs, once you're able to separate yourself from the diet mentality. I know it's hard... I'll be 35 in a couple of weeks, too. ♥ When food issues (self-esteem issues) stretch back so far, it can feel impossible to overcome. But I promise you, it IS possible. The important thing is to seek professional help now. Don't wait until the problem gets worse. I waited too long, and my bingeing morphed into anorexia. Yeah... It's all a lot more connected than we think...

Lots of love to you,

Jen

Welcome to our group! :o) Taking the first step is always hard, but I promise that having people to talk to helps. I've only been on here a day .... and already my day has started with a smile. I've tried many other websites with no luck. I believe this one has been the best thing to have happened to me in a while. Try to have a healthy relationship with food. Think about how you want your girls to look at themselves when they're older, and make sure that you portray that to them. I have a 2 and 1/2 year old son that looks up to me, and when I'm constantly looking in the mirror I can tell he's observing what I'm doing with a mindset of "I should do that too like my mommy". Stay positive. Keep an open mind. Don't give up!!! We're all here to help you.

welcome to support groups!!! as you can see we are very supportive here! thanks so for reaching out!

love
maureen

This is a prime example of why diets dont work - as hopeful said. It must be a lifestyle change and not a crash course to losing ___ amount of weight.

With regards to your mild ED, I do believe you would benefit greatly from seeing and speaking to a professional about this....you are not alone.

I understand exactly what you're going through. I constantly think about food. When we go to family gatherings, I make sure I make something healthy and avoid all desserts and, like at Thanksgiving, no stuffing or gravy. Just white turkey meat, and not much of it. I'm either restricting too much or b/p. I'm also always comparing myself to others. Always. And the worst part is I don't need to b/c I know I'm a healthy weight and size. I don't have any advice to offer you, but I do have empathy because I know exactly how you feel. So I'm here to listen at any time.

I am new here too but wanted to say hello and welcome. You sound alot like me.....except our lives since having babies have differed (though not the ED part). I am 31 years old so close to your age. Good luck and you have already started your journey to recovery by admitting your problem and seeking help and answers. If you need to chat you can call on me if you feel you want to. Will be watching out for your posts to see how you are going.

J

Hey there. I've also suffered from unhealthy eating and eating disorders (ever since a pre teen) and have three kids and am close to your age. It is such a battle to eat right. I too have been exercising much more than before (not excessive) and finding the scale going up even though I haven't eaten much except at night, and mostly junk food. It's been defeating everything else I've done, ugh! I feel like giving up on it, because it seems i'm more hungry when I do exercise, and the binging has become worse. I've been finding it hard to sleep and wake up feeling depressed that I overate once again. I've developed health problems from the purging even though I only do that occasionally anymore. Now, I more go without then binge food. I do feel good that I have gotten so close to being free from all this, comparded to how I was just a few years ago. However, I can't seem to eat right, but desire desperately to do so and be happy and healthy. I haven't gotten much sleep because the kids are young, and that seems normal when talking with others. It feels like such a vicious cycle that I need to get out of, I want to so that I can be a better person for all.
Sab

A lot of this has to do with the intense self-giving that motherhood brings. I am also overweight by 50 pounds, have two beautiful daughters that I adore and love to give to, but by the end of the day I feel famished emotionally and make up for that by eating.

Other than the extra weight, my life is great. My job, though demanding, is satisfying on many levels. I am single (divorced) with no strong desire to remarry or even date (though I miss sex!). It seems men are still attracted to me (I am tall, so "hide" the weight to a certain extent). I have good close friends and am very active mentally.

I do love to exercise and do so about 4 times a week though am planning to increase this to 6x as I don't like being this overweight.

I know that most of my overeating is related to just wanting and needing some plain old unconditional love. Don't get me wrong; I get a lot of love from my kids, but I miss adult to adult contact. Both my parents are dead. I don't know if I could face the extensive time and energy put into dating -- I just don't have the time!

Thanks for listening......

i think for some of us, i know for myself, this could be a perfection issue. but it is getting out of control. i want to be thin, before healthy. but i think it has to be the other way around because i am no longer healthy....and no longer happy. :(

Hi- I really understand what you are going through. Even though I am younger than you I understand a lot. I will starve myself all through out the week and then on the weekend I find myself saying that "oh I can eat that junk food." The problem is, Once I start eating it, it's hard to stop. The cycle then starts all over again. It gets so tiring just watching the weeks go by with the same old same old. I hope you're doing well though and it doesn't get any farther than what your doing because then it just gets even more horrible with hospitals and being admitted and it's really not an experience worth doing all this work for!

You are right. This is not healthy. You sound like you live a pretty healthy style though (eating, weight wise) It doesnt seem like you really did anything too extravagant except for the mistake at you teenage years.
I cant offer any deep advice for I still have an ED from my previous one. In short, I am younger than you (much younger!) but I can offer this: You MUST listen to you body. You must accept you body weight and healthy weight. These eating habits you are experiencing-they are not normal. Food is good and tasty and healthy-but you only eat for energy. To heat you body, scientifically speaking. You must ease your mind and NOT FEAR. And eat. But eat in moderation. Like Yoda said "Fear is the path to the dark side". I know tis sounds silly, but its true. To fear your body, the food, the dieting to "forgive" you calories etc. it isnt normal nor healhty fr the mind and body. You must be accostomed to you life and health and go from there. Do not be afraid, just try you best to life healthily. If you ,ess up a few times, tis normal. If you do extra good a few time, tis great and try again! But dotn spiral out of control. Getting out of this uncontrol will be difficult for now. But the earlier you make the effor tto change, the easier to gt out of the situation.