New Here and just figured out I have a problem

I think I have finally realized that I have a serious problem and I can't fix it on my own. I just figured out by researching on the internet that I must have the binge eating disorder. As I sit here at the computer, I am still so disgustingly full from last night's binge that my lower ribs hurt. I think I have gained 6-7 lbs. this past week... this is not normal. I lost the 6-7 lbs. a few weeks back. I always thought it was just my will-power and that if I just stayed on the Atkins diet, I would lose the weight. The thing is, I can lose 35-40 lbs. in 2-3 months so I can look nice at my son's wedding, or at my husband's function, and then, seriously, right after the function, I am back to snarfing down the food. It's been like this for 10 years now so I think I finally need some help. Each year I get to my "ideal" weight, only to stay there for a few weeks or a month until my waves of binging start. It's not all the time but comes in waves. I'm on that "wave" now and I can't deal with it anymore. I think 3 full-size Cadbury chocolate bars at one sitting is a bit much! I think I've finally realized that this isn't about me eating more protein or getting on the right diet... this is emotional eating and I can't believe I didn't see the signs and realize that this is a real disorder with a name and everything. I mean I have all the symptoms but never saw it. I realize that the surprised look on the people I haven't seen in a few months is because the last time they saw me, I was in a size 8 and now I'm in a size 12 or more with a bloated face. I mean no one else I know can gain weight as fast as I can. This has to stop. What can I do? Do I need a therapist or psychiatrist? Help...

Yes, you do need professional help, just as anyone with an eating disorder does! I know you WANT to make it all stop, but it's much more complex than that. Please seek the help of a professional who understands and specializes in the treatment of eating disorders. Also, please do not use numbers of any kind in your posts, for the sake of preventing comparisons or triggering things for others. Thanks!! Please continue to share....Jan ♥

Thank you Jan. Sorry my post was just kind of rambling on and on. And I'm so sorry I didn't know about posting numbers, thank you for letting me know.

I've been reading some of the posts this morning and it feels good to be around people who understand what's going on. My husband certainly doesn't and he just gets mad at me and angry, which only makes the binging worse.

I am going to make an appointment with a psychiatry group near my house. The Dr. I want to see has "eating disorders" among the things he specializes in.

Maybe he can get to the bottom of why I do this. I hope you guys don't mind me blabbing on and on about my problems but I just feel I need someone to talk to. I only have a couple of good friends and I don't think they really understand. They just tell me to eat this or get a better diet or whatever. They mean well they just don't really understand. Ithought I would just share my story with you guys.

I think I've had this problem for longer than I even realize. I did not have such a good home life growing up, my Mom was verbally and physically abusive. It was bad and I was really afraid of her most of the time. I found out at about 23 that she had been abused as a child and at least it helped me to understand why she treated me like she hated me all the time. But I have always had very low self-esteem which has plagued me all my life. So my first marriage ended; he was verbally abusive and drank a lot. Of course his verbal abuse just reinforced the low opinion I already had of myself. Then I raised my two kids as a single Mom. I don't think I had a binge eating problem then. I think it started around 35 years old. I had married my current husband. In the first year of our marriage I realized he was not the nice, relaxed guy I had dated. He had an extremely short temper, easy to anger, and was controlling and obsessive. My kids did not like him too much either. As I'm typing this I remember that this is when I gained my first large amount of weight in a short period of time. I've never really thought about it before but this is when it really started I think. I was miles away from my home, parents, brothers in a city that was rainy and cloudy all the time and very depressing with a husband who was mean... It was just miserable. I remember eating to make me feel better. I know now I should have gotten out, but 3 years later we had our son together. Having a child at an older age did not help things. I had a really hard time losing the weight and went on the Atkins diet while my husband was deployed. And finally I had success and lost the baby weight. I thought that was it, I'd be back to my normal weight and I was fine. There I was on the pier with our toddler in my little dress and couldn't wait for him to see me. Well, he seemed happy at the weight loss but then he said something that I won't forget and hurt me like he couldn't realize. He said "that's great, so now all you have to do is lose that last 5 pounds and you'll be perfect." It was never good enough for him, never ever good enough. Nothing I did was good enough. So that started the roller coaster yo yo dieting that has been my life. That November, I started putting the weight back on, then by early spring I was trying to take it all off before summer. I don't want it to look like I'm just going to blame my husband for this. I just seem to pick men who treat me this way. I hope the therapist can help me to stand up for myself and feel better about myself so I can either feel like I can leave the marriage or learn how to live with it and stay. I don't know. I feel weird now having told my whole life history to a whole bunch of people I don't know but I feel better in a way. Sorry it was so long but I just needed to vent.

This is a safe place to vent and share. We all understand, and having others to understand is vital for recovery!
No apologies here for speaking your truth!!
Take care...Jan ♥