NEW here...Separated..scared, lost

My husband of 13 years has recently asked for a separation. We have had a very difficult past years. Basically.... babies came, bought a house we couldn't afford, etc. Then my mom died after 2.5 yrs of battling cancer. I have been grieving, depressed, put on more weight, hated myself, stopped functioning, blamed him.... But a few months ago.... we had a fight...He said, "I am not in love you with anymore. I'm done. I want to separate."

I take full responsibility for MY part, he takes fault for his. We have both given up at different times & are just tired of feeling depressed. I KNOW I pushed him away for so long... was so irritated with him, was so depressed that I see now in hindsight how I made him feel. And I sit here every day crying wishing I could take it all back.

He's a great father & we parent well together.

So, I sit here daily... crying, depressed, with severe anxiety that keeps me up at night... not knowing what the heck I'm doing. Am I waiting for him to come back? I came from a divorced family and I NEVER, EVER wanted my kids to go through it. The thought of them telling me they spent the weekend with "Daddy & his girlfriend" some day in the future kills me. The thought of dating myself and trying to find someone who loves my kids and gets along with my kids... KILLS me. The thought of growing old alone, kills me.

I would give us another chance tomorrow if he asked. I would try to keep our family together.... But I'm lost. I read stories here about signing divorce papers and I feel like throwing up. A part of me feels like he's not coming back.... but I don't know if that's the depression talking.

Hi Separated,
Well that is quite a ordeal youare going thru, I went thru a similar thing with my wife, now that I was diagnosed with cancer we have grown close again, but I know what you are feeling and I hope you fid some strength and support from the people on here , I would be more than happy to talk to you but I also feel, you are strong of will and hope you will overcome the depression, but know this we are here for you
thank you Frederick

Dear Separated,

(((((hugs)))))) to you. I am recently separated and soon to be divorced. I did not and do not want the divorce.

It sounds to me like you are blaming yourself and I hope you stop doing that. You did the best you could during very trying times. The problems in your marriage are not your fault alone. Just because the two of you had arguments and disagreements doesn't mean that divorce was inevitable. Couples argue all the time without getting separated.

I hope the two of you can work things out, BUT I hope you know that if you decide to move on without him that you will be okay. You are deserving of love without reservation. You are still a young woman and there is a lot of life left to live and plenty of men. You will survive this and you WILL be happy again.

In my case, I instinctively know that if I allow hope of reconciliation with my husband to remain alive that I will never stop being sad and depressed. I need to give up the hope and move on. In other words, I'm faking it 'til I make it, and believe it or not...it's working.

Best of luck to you.

Thank you. Yes, I am blaming myself. I feel as though I never really listened to him. THIS is why I blame myself now. Too little too late though.

Or what if he just really will never love me again? What if he just doesn't know how to say the words, "I want a divorce" ? This 'not knowing' is the hardest thing. I need to plan for my future.... and know if I should be looking for a roommate to help pay my rent, but he doesn't want to talk about our future cause he needs space from "us". I know one day I'll be ok.

I am so glad to hear you are exercising - I have noticed that I feel SO much better when I'm done with a hard, sweaty workout! I was, and still am, going through all of the feelings you are. My stomach is in knots. I can't eat. I am forcing myself to eat. In the beginning I cried constantly and I still cry at least once a day. My imagination is working overtime imagining where he is and what he is doing. My imagination is going to terrible places where I imagine myself alone. I am 51 so this is a real fear for me. HOWEVER, I choose to stop thinking this way and every day gets better. Like I said before, I am faking it til I make it.
I think I am actually lucky in a way, though, because my husband cheated on me and has told me that he is only "partly interested in saving the marriage and partly interested in getting a divorce." So, fortunately for me, this is enough to have quashed any hope I had for reconciliation - and for me to move on, that is absolutely necessary. I know this is going to sound corny, but at times like these 'living in the moment' is really important. I'm no Buddhist, but Thich Nhat Han's books have really been helpful in teaching me to meditate to get to a place of peace and calm. It takes a lot of practice - especially when your mind is laser-focused on the drama going on in your life, but I promise you that meditation is a skill you will thank yourself for adopting one day. Please keep me posted on how you are doing. I'm rooting for you.

Laura,
I just posted this on another post.... Two books I HIGHLY recommend for getting through the depression, anxiety & pain.....

1) Self-Coaching - The Powerful Program to Beat Anxiety & Depression, by Joseph Luciani, Ph.D.
2) When Things Fall Apart - Heart Advice for Difficult Times, by Pema Chodron (She's an American Buddist nun).

#2 was something I stumbled across when I walked in to a Tibetian Buddist store. *I do NOT do yoga or meditate, although I believe in it... I just don't do it. =P

When I mentioned to a friend whose husband had left her 10 months ago out of the blue, she said that she has read ALL of Pema Chodron's books and they helped her immensely get through her pain. Everyone has told me -- work on ME. Don't work on him, on us... don't sit and worry, don't let my imagination kill me from the inside out.... focus on ME & my kids. Period. It's the only way to survive this. It's so hard & I find myself spending HOURS staring at a wall sometimes (when the kids are with him & I'm alone) --- just imagining the WORST. So, these books have really helped me -- along with my very long hikes. =) I haven't finished either one.... but what I have read has helped me so much. I hope they can help others.

Fredrick,
I'm so sorry that you are going through the health problems, but I'm glad your wife has become your supporter. Those actions show her love for you. Thank you for your supportive words. Yes, there are days I feel strong.... or maybe I should say "stronger". I will be ok, I know that. My pain is still fresh and raw and this "waiting game" keeps the depression lingering around.... But I can't lose myself because of my beautiful children. They need me and I can't just let my life fall apart. I wish you the best. From a caregiver's point of view, I know what it's like to battle cancer. I gave every minute to my mom and fought her battle with her as much as I could. I was her advocate but she was the warrior. Stay strong, never give in or give up... I used to tell my mom that the doctors were only responsible for part of her treatment.... but that her emotional health was the other part. I'm sure that having your wife by your side is supporting that emotional health. =)

Separated, sounds like your working through the wreckage quite nicely even though its frustrating that your husband isnt doing the same in acknowledging whats been created & as willing as you are to pull something positive out of this experience & learn from it for future relationships w/someone else if necessary.
ATTA GIRL to you for your accomplishments thus far & continuing to seek answers for yourself by focusing on yourself regardless of him staying in his world. One never knows maybe he will come around one day realizing, from what you described, that he emotionally abandoned you & family & it takes both parties plugged in to make a relationship & he may be sorry later on for creating the empitness when he takes time to absorb it, while you have gone out of your way to be forthright about saying where you went off track.

Take care of you friend & all my strengths.

April

April,
Here's the thing that has me spinning DAILY if not hourly.... I was so confused but when I asked him if he really wanted to separate, he always said yes. And we were living in two parts of the house -- but we were there for the kids. It's like he wants this break, but doesn't want to leave. But day to day, no hugging, no affection, nothing. Now, I understand we're on a "break" & that means a break from our marriage & relationship -- but I'm getting such mixed signals. He definitely doesn't want to be out of my life.... but doesn't want to live with me yet. It's such a rollercoaster ride.

thank you Separated, I do appreciate you words, and am here for all and you if you need someone to vent with
Frederick

Separated: There is hope. He didn't file for divorce. Consider this a cooling off period. Give him a chance to miss you. Make yourself look good, even if you are faking it. I am going to be divorced August 2. I filed. I want to reconcile desperately, but my husband refuses counseling. He wants to stay together too, but is holding on to a new girlfriend just in case. Talk about mental torture. I know he wants me, not her. He hasn't come to the conclusion that putting work into someone and something you love is a better life than no work/responsibility/love with a stranger. I am NOT pushing him for a conclusion. I am plowing through with the divorce. He knows there is no compromise. He is either in it with me 100% or can be in it with 'her' half-assed, but half-assed with me is not a choice. I'm probably sounding stronger than I am. I cry a lot, have panic attacks, second guess myself, etc. My thought now is, the piece of paper saying we are married is not what ties us together. If, sometime after the divorce is final, we BOTH want to put 100% into the work, then we still can. I am probably also more hopeful than I should be, but when you know, you know. He loves me, but is afraid to commit to the work without a guarantee. I am unable to commit to him without his letting go of options, or his exit strategy, as I call it. Your reaction seems very normal. The one thing I think you are very aware of because you stated it more than once: the more you cling, the more he gets the hell away from you. He didn't fall in love with a clingy girl. Who would? I also think that a strong marriage needs to allow for things like you checking out for a while to tend to a dying mother and then go through the grieving process. He may have felt pushed away, and maybe he was pushed away. If he had more self-awareness, he would understand that your response to your mom's death was not about loving him less, it was about the natural grieving process that kind of shuts you down for a period of time. I am thinking you guys will pull through, but make yourself look HOT, HAPPY, and BUSY each and every time you see him, and he will start to regret what he left. Clingy and crying and desperate will just confirm to him why he's gone.

Separated, I live in that type of environment but not due to children but due to finances so I understand the rollercoaster of uncertainty emotionally. He may have some underlining issues that he has to address in order to make a decision so is wiser for you if affordable to consider finding/checking out other options like roommates to be sure you can handle yourself & family financially.

My husband of 20yrs. has many disorders one of which is BPD-borderline personality disorder & they seem to be incapable of making a sound decision without changing it later, kinda like one step forward & two steps back was how it was described to me by a therapist, my husband would call it "**** or get off the pot".....well he never did & here we are still living this way exactly as you described so I took responsibility for myself & started looking into other options (like roommates) for myself as this isnt the way relationships should ever be.

UGH.........

SeparatednLost,

I feel you pain my husband of 12 year, left me and took my daughter with him. I did not know that this was going to happen to me that day. I went to work and he was gone!
I did not know where he went or my child, she is 12 yrs, I found them at his sister house who lives an hour and a half away from me. I asked him why?/??and he could say was: I can not live with you anymore!.... I am the one who works, he is disabled because a kidney desease, so he cannot work in the same line of work as before but he can take care of himself with no problem. He was at home taking care of things and I was working. Well I think that because he could not bring money to the table like he used to he really affected him......I should have push the issue of seeing a counselor but I did not he did not wanted to go to a therapist and I did let it slide but then I though his frustration is also affecting him and his projecting it onto me....
I still kept civil to talk on the phone, but when I went to counseling and I ask him to come, he showed to the session and he said that he love me, did not hate me, did not resent me, but he can not live with me!! The counselor asked him if he wanted the divorce and he said no. However, how can you love someone and not wanting to live with them??? I asked him are you in love with me? he said that he did not hate me!....
My heart broke in so many ways that I cry, and cry, cry , I left the office so fast that I did not realized I was driving until I saw his car pulling away from the parking lot!!!....then he calls me and said so you are not going to be my booty call?....and laugh! I was holding my tears and said NO you left me and you wanted it over, right???? ...three weeks past and he started asking to see me to have fun (sex) that's how he put it ...I did not want at all...one night he calls and said I can come to the house after my treatment (dialysis) and have sex and then go back to his sister's house....I was so soooo confused and upset!! I kept saying, if we have sex then what? what that means for us? he said it is just fun! he said, I won't ask you again you know where I am and how to get a hold of me so are you up for it? I felt that I wanted to be with him but my reasoning was saying don't do it!!!!....I decided to get drunk so that I did not feel much when he showed up that night ...yes I had sex with him but I was drunk and the next day I felt nothing...no pain ..no emptyness...maybe because I made a concious decision to have sex and that was it! In hindsight I should not have done, but I did. Now, he does not ask me at all, it has been almost two weeks and he never mention how I felt afterwards, neither I have said anything....I don't know, if we are going to get back, but I am continuing with the divorce procedures regardless....It is hard, painful, confusing, exhausting and emotionally draining!

Tita: You sound a little like I felt when my husband took off. He took off without warning on May 12 of this year. I filed for divorce 11 days later. However, I still felt all the sexual confusion, love, etc., and when he finally resurfaced 32 days later, I was intimate with him. We did not have sex, but I messed around way more than my brain knew was right that night. I hated myself afterward, beat myself up, and really started the mourning process all over again, as if it was the first day he had left. We are now divorced. It was final August 2. He never consented to the divorce. I went through it without his agreement. I am certain I did the right thing. We are seeing each other now. There is no sex, and he knows that there isn't the possibility of it happening outside of a commited relationship. I don't know what the future holds, but I stood my ground, maintained my dignity (except for the one slip up that taught me a huge lesson!), and set myself free of this person who did not communicate, but rather ran when the going got rough. I think my filing for divorce and following through with it had made his pretend world come crashing down on him, and I think it needed to happen. As I said, I do not know what the future holds, but I decided to take control of what I could control, and that has helped me tremendously. I hope you are able to do the same. You will find that the emotional bleeding slows or stops when you make a decision to quit letting him play with you, discard you, play with you, discard you.

Thanks so much for sharing.. *hugs* to you and your family..

You need to get up and pull your self together. if not for you but for your children. and if that doesn't work you need to get some help from a doctor it sounds like you have some form of depression. but Yes you need to get out, go out with some girl friends even if you are not looking for a "boyfriend" Just to get you out of the house and have some fun!
I have been having problems with Depression and It was so hard on my children. I have been going though a divorce for 3 years and it is still going on. but you can do it..

Soft,

Thank you so much for your support!!...I have been destroy inside out, because of his game and betrayal; however, I am going to file for divorce but first I wanted to do an agreement regarding everthing because I cannot afford to go to court at all!
My couselor will mediate this, I will see if she can and if we can not agree I will still go thru with it and it will be what will be. I hope we settled it by agreement but I am praying that at least he agrees to my terms. I will try to be as fair as I can but no more of running me over like a train.
I need to recover from this as soon as I can possible can because it is emotionally horrible to be like this. I go out with friends but soem days I have to be by myself and it hits me like a train running over me without any consideration!!!

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