New herelooking for help

Hey everyone. I've been dealing with one eating disorder or another for about 8-9 years now, and I'm finally ready to accept that I need help and am not healthy. The trouble is that I can't afford treatment, and there are no in-person support groups nearby so I decided to try getting help from you guys here online. I live with my boyfriend, and he wants to help me, but his idea of helping is giving me food and watching me eat real meals, which I have been resisting which leads to fights, etc. I do want to get well but I know I can't do it alone...once I reach a certain number on the scale I know I'll freak myself out and revert back, so if anybody has any advice at all to try to get past this, I'd appreciate it more than you know. Thank you! =)

You might be surprised at the help you can find locally. Many states and counties have facilities that can accommodate you. They tend to have a sliding scale fee when it comes to charging patients. Then, other places will treat you for free depending on your financial resources.

I would suggest seeking out a therapist with the county of state. You would really benefit from that.

As for what you can do: Well, you have taken a huge step already. You are willing to talk about it and you know what you are doing is unhealthy.

One thing you can do is to throw out your scale. That's a temptation you do not need. It is not helping you out at all. Also, if you specific articles of clothing that you use to gage your size, you might want to donate them.

Question: Have you ever tried to plan out your meals in advance? I like to cook my meals the day before and freeze them. I make sure that I have the right portions and that I meet my caloric intake for the day. I make between 3 to 5 meals according to what my schedule is going to be. This forces me to eat and not to eat too much the next day.

If I get hungry between the meals I have made or feel like binging, I drink two huge glasses of water.

If I am in the mode of not eating or purging, I force myself to eat. When I do this I am actually engaging in behavior modification. This actually makes it easier the next time I go through this sort of episode.

As for your boyfriend: I know he means well and wants you to be happy. However, you might let him know that his insistence could make you more determined to not eat. You should let him know that you can do it without being forced. Maybe, you can include him in your plan and talk about how you did at the end of the day or when it becomes an issue. If you absolutely refuse to eat, then you should reach out to him and talk with him. If he is not there, you might want to journal what it is your feeling at that moment about your decision to not eat.

Thank you so much for your response! Maybe I can look into more treatment options…I guess it couldn’t hurt to see if they would be able to work with me. And I always have an idea of what I want to eat, but usually my “meals” are more like snacks. I’ve been cooking homemade meals off and on, but actually preparing something in advance that I know I’m meant to eat later is a great idea! I think my biggest fear with letting myself go and telling myself it’s ok to eat is that once I do eat I’m scared I won’t stop, so I try to avoid eating altogether. But if I had my own meals so I know what’s in them and already portioned out, that could take some of the scariness away…thank you for that idea.

One thing that is making this even harder is the fact that my boyfriend is on a diet trying to lose weight since he has gained in the past few years. So while he’s talking about how he wants small portions and wants to exercise etc, it just triggers all kinds of guilt and terrible feelings for me. He really does mean well and only wants me to be healthy and happy, but since he doesn’t know what it’s like emotionally (and physically) he doesn’t realize that checking up on me and bringing me food isn’t going to help, and I’m worried that I might get tired of it and go back to all the old tricks I used to do to fool my parents when I lived with them. And I don’t want to go back to that, I don’t want to get worse while trying to get better. He’s just trying so hard to help and doesn’t understand that his approach might be doing more harm than good.

You did give me some good feedback and things to think about, so once again thank you so much,I really do appreciate it.

PS- Sorry for the long response…I have no one else to talk to about this so it’s all coming out at once

Just wanted to let you know that we're all here for you on this site, and you never have to feel guilty about spilling your thoughts and emotions. Always let us know if there's anything we can do to help! I would definitely suggest sitting down and having a serious discussion with your boyfriend about healthy ways he can help you; acting as the food police is NOT a good way, even though he means well. And explain that hearing him talk about his weight loss goals is difficult for you; just try to set up a very open and honest dialogue about your hopes, fears, thoughts, feelings, successes, struggles... At any rate, welcome to the site, and I'm so glad you're reaching out!

Aw thank you for that welcome. I’m so glad to have found this site, it seems like it’ll be an essential tool in helping me attempt to recover. After hiding the issue and dodging questions for years, I finally broke down and owned up to the disorder which I never thought I would do. I do need to have some sort of clarifying conversation with my boyfriend…but I’ll be relying on this site for the knowing support! It’s a huge relief to finally be able to talk about it

Girl0fglass .... you both can benefit from what I said above. Here's how:

1) Find out what your daily caloric intake should be. The following website will help you and your boyfriend to figure out what each of you need per day (calories):

http://www.freedieting.com/tools/calorie_calculator.htm

2) Next, get rid of all food that is easy to eat. This will help him on his diet and it will force the both of you to prepare your meals. If the food is easy to cook (nuke) and/or pop into your mouth, then it is an easy temptation you want to avoid. Your b/f will really benefit from this.

3) Prepare all your meals the day before or days before. I force myself to cook everything on the stove or in the oven. It prevents me from binging.

Now, if your b/f wants to eat he's gotta plan ahead. If he's hungry before a planned meal he can drink two LARGE glasses of water to curb that need. If that doesn't work he will be FORCED to cook something. You will find he will not want to do that. He will want to wait until the next scheduled meal.

And, if he does cook something he will be reminded to drink those TWO LARGE glasses of water. The sink is generally located next to the stove. Then, after drinking that water he will no longer feel that need to cook or finish cooking what he started.

The benefit here is this: You will both get the correct amount of food to maintain and/or gain a healthy lifestyle. Your boyfriend will find out that he is eating correctly and that he is losing weight at the same time. He doesn't need smaller portions. . He just needs to eat the appropriately sized portions for his body.

Also, this will bring the both of you to the dinner table at the same time. This is another means of behavioral modification. You will both learn to eat together, learn to eat healthier and find a great way to start communicating more.

It's a win win situation. :)

Oh my goodness, I feel the exact same way! Except, I'm not living with my boyfriend, but he still is doing the same. +there is no help here, at all, if there is, I've tried when I was little and my parents had me go. So don't worry, you're not alone. <3

LuvsHeadMeds, haha. He definitely would NOT want to cook anything so it would have to be water/waiting. I really do like that idea a lot. Plus it would be super cute to cook together and then have our meal together as opposed to him nuking his dinner while I grab a handful of animal crackers. I just hope I can put this plan into action, it really does seem like a win/win like you said. And that website is very helpful. I just put in all my information and seeing the numbers it gave me was sort of a shock and will definitely be hard to adhere to, but I guess I just have to remind myself that in the end it's the best thing for me. This positive attitude for the future is kind of hard to deal with too, but right now all I have is hope so that has to be enough..thank you for the support you're giving me.

And jlyons, as much as it sucks to know others are going through this same thing as me, it's also nice to know I'm not alone when this whole issue can make me fee so alienated from others. If you ever want to talk about things I'll be here, I plan checking this site pretty religiously.

And to everyone, my name is Rebecca. Thank you again for the warm welcome.

Hi Rebecca! Welcome! I think that it is great that you are reaching out for support on this site. You are right that you are not alone. Hang in there and keep posting!

Rebecca! Welcome to the site :) We'd all love to help you!

You're boyfriend seems to be in the right mindset, but as others have mentioned, you need to explain things to him. Write it all down before hand if you need to. Things such as:
-talking about dieting triggers me, and I don't want to start getting worse, so please stop
-when you force me to eat I want to eat less. I am already stressed during meal time and more stress does not help
-I want to get healthy, but remember it's a struggle. Unlike other fears people have..let's say spiders, where they only see them once in a while...I have to face my fear 6 times everyday. It's a constant battle in my head

Explain to him all that it takes to gain ONE pound...because it's not an easy task.

I suggest both of you go to the grocery store together and pick out things to eat. Look up recipes you think you may enjoy too! It may be a bit hard when he chooses "lighter" options, but remember...you two are on DIFFERENT paths. He is also trying to get healthy, but it's a different plan than yours. You are gaining to get healthy. I'd also suggest he does not discuss any progess he makes with loosing...it wont' help
Also, when you guys are together, don't make it all about food. Plan fun activities for you two to do together so being with him doesn't become a burden and something you want to avoid

As for accepting your "number"...I struggled with that for a long time. I was afraid of reaching a certain weight, but you know what? I'm above that weight, closer to my real goal weight and I feel great! You'll find once YOU, Rebecca, gets stronger, you'll feel much better about yourself. It's hard to believe, but it's true :)
You are not a not a number. Remember that. You are Rebecca and you are beautiful, young girl full of potential and greatness. You can do anything you want if you try.

I'm very glad you've come out to this group for help, but I'm sure you could find someone to help that works with your financial needs. Do some research :)

Stay strong,
Paige xoxo

Hey! Welcome to the site, it's a great place to be! I can also relate with how you feel about restricting what you eat because you can't really trust yourself to stop. I deal with this every single day, usually at night. It's really really difficult to be able to remain in control especially if you have been restricting all day (which I do a lot). I'm trying to balance my days a bit better, eating more during the day which will hopefully quell my urge to eat more at night. Not sure if that helps you, hopefully it does! Also, planning the day ahead DEFINITELY helps, it leaves less to chance.

Also, in regards to seeking help, I too can't really afford the type of help I think I need, though a lot of people have written here about researching places with financial help which is a fabulous idea. I'm about to do that myself :)

Good luck, you can do this, we're all here for you anytime! Feel free to message me if you want!

<3 Cat

I can't believe how supportive everyone here is, and I know I keep saying it but I have to say it again: thank you all so much, this really is just what I need right now. I'll be sure to post and let everyone know my progress once I start preparing meals in advance. To be honest I'm pretty scared about it right now, and loving my body once I reach my goal weight seems unthinkable, but I truly am looking forward to health. I'm petite to begin with (5 foot...which also has added in my thinking I should be a certain weight), and when you add an ED to that I'm just not able to fight infections and am constantly sick and have recurring health problems, so this is absolutely the time for me to heal.

As far as the meals go, I have found some promising recipes that I'll try, but do any of you have a favorite tried and true dish you can suggest?

=)

i think there maybe free sevres if your on state help foir insurence you can find one through there ,i been in recovery for awhile but when im haveing angizy or stuff going on it acts up some but i was taugh thatr i use that when im feeling out of copntrol becuse i can be the boss of what i eat when i maybe feeling like i dont have contriol in other areas .have u ever talk to anyone to figurfe out why you do this it diff for everyone but once u get control of it helps an your bf shouldnt be acting like the food police that dose make it woese even those he doing it cuse he cares .hope u can get help