Hello everyone I am new to this group and I was seeking a support group because I need some advice through this tough time I am going through.
I just found out 2 days ago that I am about 5 weeks pregnant. I am only 22 years old just graduated from college and about to start a new job. My boyfriend and the love of my life decided to take a break 2 weeks ago. I missed him like crazy but I needed to be away from him at the time because he is bipolar and was going through a manic stage in which everything was about his physical and getting attention from everyone meaning women. I refused to stand there and watch him lie to me and see other women. However, everything changed when I found out I was pregnant. I went to the doctor yesterday they confirmed my pregnancy and talked to me about options. The reason I needed to talk about options was because at first when I told my boyfriend he was so excited, he comforted me and I felt like everything was going to be okay. He is a lot older and I see him with his nieces and nephews and don't ever doubt him as a father, as a partner maybe, but as a father I think he would make the best. Well within the first few hours of him finding out he went through all of the emotions and that is what scares me. He went through being excited and supportive, to being emotional but at the same time supportive, to being angry and blaming me saying that I did this on purpose. Which is obviously not the case, I didn't mean for any of this to happen and I know right now he is just scared. I thought that the way he is reacting would be the way I would react, but seeing him react this way has made me be the strong one and just listen to his opinion and what he is going through but just try to take control of the situation. Well, at first he was extremely supportive but as soon as he got angry his fear of his childhood came out, he had a terrible childhood where his father walked in and out with different women, hurt him and his brother and sister and their mother, and he was left to be the man of the house because he was the oldest and raise his siblings. Not only that, his cousins went through similar situations so he essentially raised all of them. I see this world as a wonderful place filled with good, he sees this world as an evil place filled with pain and suffering. And that is why he is angry, because he is saying how can I bring a child into this terrible place knowing that it could go through what i went through growing up. I on the other hand was raised in a stable home, my parents have been married for almost 30 years and there has been so much love and happiness that I have never seen pain the way he has. I know my family would be devastated, disappoint me, and would not talk to me for a long time, but the way he reacted initially made me feel like it was going to be okay, because we were going to start our own little family. He has gone back and forth on what we are going to do, whether or not we are going to keep it. He fears he has ruined my life, and while the timing is off I can't live feeling like my life is ruined, especially if I keep this child, I need to be strong and be a fighter to make this child happy and show him/her love. Well at first he wanted to keep it, then he went and said that as much as it hurts him he thinks the best thing to do right now is terminate the pregnancy. We then spent the day with his cousin and her 2 babies and I saw him be genuinely happy to be around the kids, and his cousin talked to him I am not sure what she said, but she understands where he is coming from, but doesn't think terminating is the right thing. he agreed and we were once again on board to go through with the pregnancy no matter what happened. After his cousin left and it was just him and I we started talking and he broke down again. Now he is once again at the point of terminating it, because how can he bring a baby into this world that will be unstable and worse could also have the same disorder he has. We have a few weeks to decide, but we need to do it as quick as possible. I am on the fence because on one hand I think to myself, as soon as he sees that baby in my arms I know that all of his worries will go away, I could never not keep this child. But then I think about what kind of selfish person am I to bring a baby into an unstable home and unstable situation, with an unstable father not knowing when he will have an episode, or when and if he will be around. I can't go through this alone. I try to think of what regret I am willing to live with more. Am I willing to live with the regret that I didn't bring a child into this world? or am i willing to live with the regret that I did bring a child into this world and if for some reason the next 18 years of his/her life are miserable, I will feel guilty because I was selfish for not thinking out every possible scenario. I am so confused and scared, but trying to be strong. Even he called me last night to thank me for being strong, and for handling the situation the way I am handling it. I see no other choice on how to be right now, because he is weak the member of my team that I need most is weak, so I have to stay strong. His last choice was for me to not keep the baby, and I told him that if thats what he thinks is best, and seeing him the way I am seeing him now, that might be the best decision. I told him to take a few days without me being around him to try to think with a clear mind and see if he has a change of heart and mind. I am going to be honest, if I didn't go through with this pregnancy I would be able to move forward, but not with him. I would resent him and hate him for the rest of my life and I know this. When the doctor gave me the proof of pregnancy with an expected due date being March 10, 2012 that right there made everything sink in even more and made it more real and a lot harder. Sorry this is so long, and thank you for reading this. Does anyone have any kind of advice??
-dafne