New to group - looking for support through this awful time in my life

Hello everyone,
I'm really hoping I can get some feedback from all of you. Maybe I can learn from your experiences or just get enough encouragement to make it through to the next day.

My husband left a little over two weeks ago -- well, actually I made him leave after admitting to an affair. It ended a couple of months ago, but her divorce is getting ugly and they want to depose my husband. So, he figured it would be coming out in the open pretty soon. We have been married for 19 years, but not happily. I guess the infidelity is the straw that broke the camel's back.

I've read many of your posts, and a lot of us have a lot in common. My first question to each of you is did you consider reconciling? My husband and I both admit that we are no longer in love, but we do care for each other. That is not enough. We have a lot of changing to do to be able to stay together. Can any of you relate to this? My second question is how do I move forward with the giant question mark in front of me? I know I should be prepared for the worst, but I keep thinking maybe it will all work out over time. Should I just move forward as if the divorce is inevitable, or still try to do all I can to save the marriage?

Do not go back is my policy.

My first wife did that to me. I only kept the marriage alive until our daughter was born. Then, after sevens months of just utter disgust I ended it.

I have even tried that once with an ex girlfriend. I tried but found I could not get over it. I never said anything but it just haunted me. So, I ended that too.

Whatever you do decide, I wish you luck. :)

Thank you for responding. It is great to be able to get some feedback when you feel so alone.

Wishing you well!

Ugh...to be or not to be. What to do. Its not SIMPLE..its complex and varies. Thing is, its very hard to sort all this out in your head, which is busy with extreme emotions and conflicting thoughts. This has worked for me.... ive been trying to sort out my life and the chaos in my head was just too much to bear at times... i wrote LISTS.
things i hated, things i loved, things i valued, things that were non-negotiable, things i love about MYself and hate. Then when its ALL out...rate them. the rating may change and you may add or delete. Stare at this. of all this ..what seems to call to you most, WHO are you? stare for answers, think about them, every item on every list...discover who you are and where you are going...

anyhow, its working for me... these lists...

I can assure you that after 19 years, I do feel like I’ve lost myself. I love your ideas about the lists. Will definitely give them a try!

ReeG, Welcome to Support Groups, I'm married 19yrs. whereas your husband may or may not have mental issues like mine does & will not seek further assistance with these problems I could only suggest counseling If affordable if you both choose to stay together, usually it takes as long as it took to run the marriage into the ditch as it does to get it back on track & it really depends on the peoples willingness to work together at it. It is a process & yes trust issues will be on your mind for some time to come, its just natural & if hes willing to rebuild & regain trust only time will tell. Please keep talking w/us, we're all here for you & I admire you for sharing your story & looking for other alternatives/options.

Take care of you.

April

Thank you so much, April. We are seeking counseling individually. I told my husband I would go with him to marriage counseling, but he has to be the one to actually find the counselor and make the appointments. I have to see him put forth some effort. I’ve come to accept that only time will tell. My faith in God is getting me through, and I’m putting everything in His hands.

It is hard to trust again after being cheated on. I was cheated on 4 different times. Of course my husband was intoxicated, but that's no excuse. No one can or should tell you what to do except you, but I do know a few things to be true. BOTH spouses have to WANT the marriage to work, BOTH have to be willinging to look at their own errors and change things about themselves. Even though in most relationships that end their is usually one person who was primarily responsible for the break up the other person or "vicitim" has usually made mistakes as well. It can be incredibly hard to look at oneself and admit where we made a mistake when it seems like we were the ones doing everything right. To answer your first question, yes I tried counseling with my husband after our 3rd seperation. Unfortuneatly my husbands inability to stay sober proved difficult for him. I set boundries which he crossed and I finally decided to invoke the consequences. I don't know if its possible to be "in love" with your mate your entire marriage. In fact I think its unrealistic to expect that. The longer your married the more love changes form. But two people both have to make an effort and take "action" to keep the relationship alive. Some plants need lots of water and sun to survive. Other plants need an occassional amount, but neglect any plant, accidently ignore it, or over water it and it will surely die. To your 2nd question, just from my own personal experience the best thing you can do is focus on yourself. Counseling for just you is a great place to start. Grieve the relationship and marriage you've just lost. If a divorce isn't something your ready for emotionally there are a lot of states that allow you to file for a legal seperation so assets and financial obligations are still met by your estranged husband. At least that'll give you time to work on you so that you can decide later what you want. Rushing into a reconciliation when one of you isn't 100% in the marriage emotionally is only going to make it harder on your chances of making it. You'll be sett'n yourselves up for failure. It's best if each of you give each other time to figure yourselves out. If reconciliation is what you both want to work towards then boundries should be set and agreed upon. At some point the two of you can begin counseling together to find out if one or both of you are still in it. If either one of you decides that you are not in it then you can utilize the seperation papers already filed and move forward with the divorce. My in laws were married for 23 years. They got divorced. Over the next 6 years my father in law remarried while my mother in law dated a steady boyfriend. Eventually my father in law divorced his second wife and my mother in law broke up with her boyfriend. They reconnected and became friends again. Currently my in laws are remarried to one another happily for the last 5 years. So anything is possible. Good Luck no matter what you decide to do.

1 Heart

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I think our current path is going right along with everything you said. We both have made mistakes. I told my husband that if we do get back together, it will pretty much be two completely different people connecting for the first time. If we go back to who we were, well, we’ve been down that road.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post. It is much appreciated!

I suggest you follow your heart. I am still holding out hope after 27 years of marriage. It has been 3 weeks since my husband left and I feel like I am in a state of shock. It is too soon for me to make any decisions even though my husband has made this decision for the both of us. I have put so much pressure on myself that it is making me ill. At this point I am putting things on the back burner and letting it stew for a while. I will deal with this bit by bit and one day at a time. I am not ignoring it but I am going to clear my head and think things through and do what is best for me.

Mary

1 Heart

Hello Mkbrath,

It sounds like we are in the same boat. My husband will have been moved out 3 weeks tomorrow. I have had horrible days, better days, and days that I almost felt okay again. I’ve been to one therapy session and the one thing my therapist stressed was to focus on myself right now. So, that’s what I’ve been doing. I journal every night so I can get my feelings out of my head. It is a huge release. One thing that I’ve come to realize is that now is my time to decide if I want him back. Yes, we all want our marriages to be successful. But, he made the decision to break his vows. I get to decide if that is something that I want to get past. I don’t have to take him back if I don’t want to. When I was able to see that I have a choice in my future, I felt empowered.

I recently read a book called “How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong” by Leslie Vernick. It has helped me a lot. I will be praying for you and your husband.

I went back and for me it was the wrong thing to do. Why? The trust issue. I was not honest with myself and believed that I could get past the she had cheated on me. I was wrong. Some people can do it they say, but I'm not one of them. I went back because at the time it was the easy choice. In the end I did a bunch of stupid things to adjust to the wrong choices she made. Its different for each person but I do believe if your being honest with yourself you will find the answer,its a very long road. If you do not love each other at this point in the game you have part of the answer. Why would you now consider staying together? The big question in front of you is uncertainty that's the same thing we all faced. As hard as it is to do move yourself forward and do things for you,take care of you. Do things that make you happy and try to stay away from the familiar things you did in the relationship. I would go out a work on my corvette all day and would only think about what I was doing at the time. Later on I realized freeing my mind at the time helped me come to an answer that was right for me. Remember one thing, you did nothing wrong and you certainly didn't make him cheat on you. You deserve more and to be happy and in-love with you partner. If honesty is in question problems are not far behind.

1 Heart

Wow, excellent comments. Thank you so much! I know I have a lot of soul-searching to do. I know that I’ve got to turn it over to God, just like I should have done years ago. I know I didn’t make my husband cheat on me, but I definitely have ownership in the breakdown of our relationship. I have a long way to go, whether with him or on my own. Either way, I know I can’t do it by myself but only with divine intervention!

I like it, well put Viper.

I like the comment that you didn't do anything to make him cheat on you. I keep thinking if I did things differently maybe we would be in a different place. Then i remember that he is a guy full of excuses and is responsible for his choices. There is no reason to ever cause the hurt to another person by cheating on a relationship. It is a cowards way out. What kind of man walks away from a wife his kids and his other responsibilities all for his own selfish pleasures. My husband even used cable as a reason to be with his new girlfriend. I get to the point where I just want to shake some sense into that head of his and then remember that he has no sense. I guess there is no right answer on how to deal with this issue so we have to do what is right for ourselves. I just wish I knew what that was.

Love and peace to all, Mary

1 Heart

I’ve thought about this a lot myself. Yes, my marriage was not great. In fact, we were miserable. But, I have to give myself credit in that I didn’t seek to make my marriage better by turning to someone else. I could have made that choice too, but I put a lot of importance in the vows I took a long time ago. I guess you could say I answer to a higher power than the man I married. But, no one will ever save their marriage by turning to an outsider.

Dear Cheated ,
Here is just something for thought / Not advice.
There is nothing worse in life than a broken heart .
To all of us that have been in this situation,It hurts!
No matter what the circumstance,
The shock is very painful and the whole ordeal can lead to nervous breakdowns, Depression, anxiety/ panic disorders and more. I know because I've been there.

The cheater on the other hand, is a cold hearted being that doesn't consider anyone elses feelings, and they don't usually have any sincere feelings of their own.

When we give them second chances,that they don't deserve, the cheater only gets better at decieving, and at our expense.
Protect yourself by not allowing the cheater to abuse you any further. Sure it hurts. No one wants to be alone!
But low self esteem makes for an even easier target.

Well said and I have to agree with you…

You really hit the nail on the head. I sit here and ask how my husband could walk away from his wife, kids and home? All he has to gain elsewhere is selfish pleasures that only he can benefit from. Little does the person he is cheating with know how he is a user. Then again they are made for each other. Taking only for their self gain, not caring who gets hurt in the process.

Mary

I realize I am in a vulnerable position, but I fully believe that a cheater can be genuinely sorry for the actions he or she took. Does that mean the victim-spouse has to forgive and forget? Absolutely not. Once broken, a heart must be protected. But, I do believe cheaters may face consequences they didn't expect causing them enough pain to teach a lesson.