New to Group

Hi everyone. I'm new to this but figured I would give it a try. Let me tell you a little of why I Joined. I am 28 and have gone through more than most people go through in a life time. I got married at the age of 22 and two weeks later got pregnant. When I was 7 months pregnant/married. My husband decided to tell me that he did not love me anymore. Leaving me pregnant and alone. Right before the baby was born we got back together trying to work it out. In September my daughter was born and 5 days later I went into congestive heart failure and almost died. I spent a month in the hospital but was finally able to go home to be with my husband and daughter. 3 month later I was separated. Her father and I tried many times to work on things and I eventually gave up mentally exhausted and we got divorced. I had my tubes tied because the Dr. said it would not be safe to try to have another baby and I did not want to go through that again. Now my ex has a new girlfriend and she is pregnant and due in Jan. (I think). The thing that sucks the most is that I can't have another child but he can.

In 2005 I was out of town at my best friends wedding. After the reception there was an after party. I was getting tired and went to lay down. I was woken up in the middle of the night with a man forcing himself on me. He was 3 times my size and I was not able to get him off. I was raped. I told my mom the next day who tired to talk me into pressing charges. I said i just did not want to deal with it. A couple days later i changed my mind. I drove back to the county it happened and went to the police station. Nothing ever came of this. They took my statement and that was it. I don't think he was ever even brought in for questioning. I have never really dealt with it and felt as if I just ignored it it would go away.

In 2006 I started dating someone. It was a rocky relationship and he was very controlling. After a year he became abusive. For the sake and safety of my daughter a couple months after the abuse started i got out. Again i just felt like if i did not deal with it it would go away.

A flood of emotions have been coming lately and I feel lost and alone. My ex-husband does not pay child support and I am in a middle of a battle for that. I work two jobs to support my daughter. I may never trust a man fully again. All this and I am only 28. Sometimes I ask myself why. What did I do to be put through all this? It's just not fair. I feel like I want to cry all the time. Sitting in traffic the other day on the way home from work and for no reason I just started crying. I want just once to know what it is like to have a normal life. I know you, what is normal right? I don't want to say my life completely sucks. I have my daughter and if it was not for her most days i would not be able to get up. How did my life end up like this and how do i fix it?

I admire your strengths & courage for what you HAVE gone through & achieved thus far & normal is what one chooses to see & make of it in their life, it IS different for all of us & none of us are alone even when it feels that way. When one walks through the wreckage of their past they usually find answers as to WHY they surrounded themselves w/certain types of people or situations that THEY placed themselves in directly or indirectly & the loved ones they have with them. The answers ARE always within when one stops & really looks. Scoop you wonderful baby up & focus on you & your child & learn from within (hind sight). I'm sorry your in such emotional pain as most of us here are & your not alone, we're here to talk it out with & find answers together.

All my strengths.

April

First let me say that you have experienced an inordinate amount of stress and trauma for your age. That alone would be reason for depression. You have no idea who I am and what my life experiences are, but let me say that I have talked to many people who have found themselves in this type of situation. So take my advice as you will.

1. This is a great time to do some personal work / assessing/ counseling. I agree with April's questions. There are external forces and internal forces at work. If you can get a handle on some of the internal forces that are at work you can then begin to make healthier choices. The internal forces never just go away. They subside for a time, but always come back.

2. Be sure to place yourself in a community of people who love you and will tell you the truth even if it's not what you may want to hear. This could be a church, a support group, a special interest club or activity. I prefer something like a church because it's a place you can connect with people weekly.

3. This not a good time to make a radical life change. Do not make any big or major decisions like moving or leaving a job unless the environments are hostile and not supportive.

4. If being in a relationship is important, I would suggest using an online tool that you can sit down with a friend or your mother and discern together who might be a good candidate for dating. Our friends and family often know who's better for us than we do.

I will pray for you today.
blessings.