New to here...and need support

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
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Hello...I don't even know how to really start this. I am a single mother of two beautiful little boys. I have a lot of issues from my past, as you can see by all these groups I am in. I am in a serious relationship, trying to move on with my life. I am working, going to school, raising my kids, and trying to be independant. Every time I feel I am starting to become happy, I feel like issues from my past are coming to the surface. I find myself crying for no reason, and feeling like a hopeless failure. I feel triggers for cutting, my eating disorders, and have been getting panic attacks. Lately I have even had suicidal thoughts. I have had to take xanax to calm me down, or just sob it out when no one can see me.

I'm hoping that somewhere, someone out there knows or understands what I am going through. I want to have a family, and a life. Why do these issues come up as soon as something good is happening? Why do I wake up soaked in sweat, having wretched nightmares? Why is it that I'm finally being loved, I don't even know how to be loved? Is it so much to ask to be happy for ONCE? Why can't it just happen? Why do i have to feel so inconfident, insecure, and so much self hatred? Why when being loved do traumatic memories resurface, and instead of enjoying a healthy relationship, I'm breaking down sobbing?

I don't know what is wrong with me. Now days you go to the doctor, and they medicate you. They say here, you are depresessed...here's antidepressants, here's stuff for panic attacks...but what is the REAL solution? Will I always be in remission with fear of a relapse? Will I always have a label of all these psychiatriac diagnosis? Will I just become another statistic?

So many questions, I have been asking myself for years. I became anorexic at the age of 12, thus begin the rapid downward spiral of problems. Now I am 24 years old. This has now become half of my life time. In a way, I feel grateful that I have made it this far, that I am alive...I am obviously a survivor. But how do I keep surviving, or will everyday of my life be a battle?

I am trying to find the best way to manage my issues. I know that I need counseling. I found an organization close by that helps women from domestic violence/abuse/rape situations. So I guess that is a start, because perhaps that is a root of many of these other issues.

From experience, can anyone tell me, what has worked for you? What is the best way to live with all this? To get it all out to the surface by way of counseling? To surface the pain, face it and deal with it? Or put it in the past and try to move on? To self medicate? What do you do when you feel triggers? How do you be happy in a clean relationship with issues from the past? How do I educate him to understand what I am going through?

Any advice I can get I truely appreciate. Like i said I have been having these issues for 12 years now. As far as eating disorders, mental health, etc., I am very educated. But when it comes to the heart of abuse, the pain, I am blind to the solution. Thank you all for just reading and perhaps listening, taking your time to see into my life.

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welcome to support groups!!!! thanks for sharing!

love
maureen

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M,

Welcome to Support Groups. ♥ It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of raw, painful experiences... All of our situations are different, of course... But I can empathize with you on a lot of levels. For me, I originally sought counseling for my eating disorder, and I told my first therapist on my first day about my dad's alcoholism, and the abuse I suffered in conjunction with that. I knew that these were painful issues I needed help with. My journey eventually took me to an outpatient clinic for more structured help with my eating disorder, and it was there that I really began to confront my past and incidences which contributed to, and exasperated, my ED. Talking about, and dealing with the emotional fallout, of abuse I suffered seemed to make the pain resurface and gain in strength, at least initially. Personally, I couldn't take it all on all at once. I was able to discuss pieces at a time, experience the pain and emotional disarray that followed my admissions, and then settle back into a sort of peace before I could take on another piece. It felt strange to me that as I healed, and my life began to truly improve and take shape, I began to suffer more than ever from insomnia, nightmares, and paralyzing fear... And yet... Today I understand that it was because I was finally in a situation that allowed me to face some of these issues; facing them didn't feel safe, but with the help of professionals, doing so did allow me to relieve some of the shame I carried with them... I began to see that yes, horrible things did happen to me, but the shame wasn't mine to carry. With that realization settling into my belly, some of the power of these past events began to loosen...

It's not easy... It's hard as hell! But you CAN do it! With the right help, you can face some of these demons and truly regain your life. ♥

Lots of love,

Jen

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first off welcome to support groups. there are many wonderful people here that understand what you are going through. i am one of them. i am 18 years old and a freshman in college. ive cut, im depressed, im anorexic and bulimic. my mother is a drunk and mentally abuses me though i'll admit it gotten better. that my story wrapped up. but i know how you feel you have a good life but you are sad and you just want the pain to end. you need a release something to control but you can't. unfortunately happiness can't come so easily. what i think to justify how i feel is that we are given what we know we can handle. that we are strong enough to deal and eventually face our problems head on and kick them to the curb. you just have to live and go through everyday one day at a time and accepts the ups and downs. im rooting for you. and always know that there are people here that understand so ALWAYS reach out. =)

-Sasha<3

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Welcome :) You have done the right thing by joining! The women on here are all AMAZING and everyone is here to support you. I am 25 years old and suffer from anxiety, panic attacks, and am recovering from bulimia and anorexia. I know your pain....I feel it everyday. You know what you should do, get help, get medicated, etc. but it is just not that easy! You're right.....we always medicate the symptoms but don't look for the cause.

I'm sorry I can't help you by giving you any answers but I can let you know the I understand...there are many people out their just like you, going through the same things.

My suggestion for now is just keep fighting! You are meant to be here on this earth...you just have to find your place

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hope you are well! have you seen help for this???

love
maureen

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You mentioned reaching out to you local domestic abuse center... have you contacted them to see what kind of help they are able to offer?

Counseling is a must. It really is too much to deal with on your own. You asked if you should try to work through the past issues or just 'forget them and move on'... I my case I found it was impossible to move on from them until I dealt with them emotionally. I won't say that you can't find a way around that maybe you can but my experience is such that when you try to avoid dealing with it it builds up and does cause issues in your current relationships. Once I was able to process my past experiences through counseling I was in a much better position in my life.

I am able to accept the good things that come my way for the most part and actually am able to recognize how I do react to good things (like when I decide I have to push away a new relationship because I am afraid it is going to well) and warn my friends about these reactions in advance. This has been helpful w/ my current b/f and he has stuck by me when I freak out about things going well..

I know I didn't answer all your questions but I hope I gave you some food for thought..

Luck and Love

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I know how u feel. Unloved and unworthy. I feel the same way like i jsut don't fit in anywhere. My ex husband left me and had a baby with someone else. We were together for about 4 years and i wanted to have kids so badly. Then i have had these horrable relationships. Met a really great guy and screwed that up. It seems like i am unlovable. hang in there with me. I know how it is. We are here for you.

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Hi Mrgsmama! I hope you are reading these, and finding some hope in the replies. You are dealing with a lot, and I can only imagine how much you want the pain to go away. I remember feeling like that, crying all the time, not understanding why I was feeling that way. I have been recovering from depression, anxiety and panic attacks for 4 years now, which I dealt with on and off for most of my life before that. I am also dealing with bulimia, which is a day by day situation right now.

Everyone has a different story and ways to cope with things. In my early 20s I started having severe panic attacks and continuous anxiety. For many years, I felt like I was the problem, that I could figure it out on my own. I did a lot of natural remedies, counseling, exercised, changed my diet, meditated, etc. Some of it helped, made me feel better for short periods of time, reduced the anxiety. But on the long run, it was always there, panic attacks coming back. I felt like I wanted to disappear and make it all go away. In 2005 I decided to talk to a doctor about it, probably because I couldn't take it anymore and I felt like I had tried a lot of other ways. I was lucky because the first medication he put me own is the one that I have been taking ever since. Things got clearer after a couple weeks. I don't fell lethargic or anything, just myself without anxiety/panic attacks all the time. I tried quitting the meds 2 years ago, but I became depressed and had panic attacks within weeks. For me, I am convinced that my brain just doesn't function well without it. BUT, this may not be your case. A lot of people only take medication for short periods of time, and they don't need it after. Others, stick with more natural remedies and that works. It sucks, but its true that you have to try different things. Unfortunately, we can diagnosed a car by plugging it into a computer these days, but we are not there with the human body yet. So it may mean that you have to try different things.

You came to this group for support, and I hope you keep coming back, trying different things, and holding on to the hope that you are a good person, with two great kids and a husband who loves you. Keep writing and reading, we are all here for support.

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Thank you SOOOO much for all the comments. It took me a good week or two to really take it all in what you all said. I definately don't feel as alone. Each day continues to be a struggle...and secluding myself from the world does make me feel alone. All your advice I really took to heart. You all are so caring, and you don't even know me. It means the world. I'm going to try to follow up with doctor tomorrow, and fnally make an appointment for counseling. Please all keep in touch...I'm here for you all too!

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Hi...sorry I am just now finding this string. I love the great support you have been offered...I hope you can embrace it!
I'm glad you are seeking a counselor. That is a very important step in order to be able to move forward. Anyone in recovery, from any number of issus, needs a plan, and the only way you can implement one fully is with support and a way to stay accountable.
Please keep sharing, and let us all know how it's going with the counseling. You do deserve to get help!
Take care...Jan ♥

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Welcome to the support group! I am new here as well so we can help support each other

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"Every time I feel I am starting to become happy, I feel like issues from my past are coming to the surface. I find myself crying for no reason, and feeling like a hopeless failure. I feel triggers for cutting, my eating disorders, and have been getting panic attacks. "

I know exactly how that feels. Sending you hugs. Here if you ever need someone to talk to.

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wow i feel like we would get a long great, please mssg me.
-Mikayla