New to the group and unsure where to start on the road to getting healthy

I am new to the group. I don't really know what to say. I tried for a long time to believe and convince myself that I didn't have a problem, so it is really difficult for me to come forward in a setting like this to seek help and support from others with the problem. I am a bulimic.

I want to choke on those words when I say them.. it makes me so ashamed of myself. I am, probably like many of you, a perfectionist. I don't want to make mistakes, I don't want to fail, I don't want to have problems. I don't want to have the body I have. I would say that I binge (even in the slightest) 7 days a week, purge 3-5 days a week, and abuse laxatives 3 or more times a week. I also often try to starve myself, but it later usually leads to a binge and purge session. I see a therapist weekly for my eating disorder among other issues, so I have struggled in and out of recovery periods and relapses. So where do I start? How do I get up in the morning and not immediately want to put food in my body until I feel sick and then desperately want to purge it from my system. I know I am strong enough to be free of this, but I just don't know how to get there. Thank you to whoever has any encouraging words or advice.

Welcome to the group. I just joined a few weeks ago. I'm in the same position you are in except that I probably spend a zillion times more $$ than the average person on food just to binge. I'll think of every horrible, fatty, heart-attack-ish food there is and go buy it and then vomit and then repeat it if no one is around.

Its sickening and destroying my body. All b/c of my obsesson with food and with remaining physically fit.

I don't abuse laxatives as one time I almost blacked out so I "just" vomit which is probably just as bad.

I want to encourage you to begin each day new and think of the consequences of what we are doing. I KNOW this is a beatable disease and many have beat it but its a day to day schedule.

Hang in there and continue to seek advice from those on this site. It helped me get through a whole 8 days which I hadn't done in ages! I'm hopeful I can do again...

Best,
Caroline

Thanks for the support Caroline! Like I said.... we can all beat this disease! You will have more streaks of no b/p and one day one of those streaks will last a lifetime. Good luck :-)

Welcome to SGs, VBundy.

I hope we can support you in some way as you seek to overcome the ED. Feeling ashamed is common and i still feel this on occasion when i tell people but it will pass and become easier as you feel more comfortable talking about it.

Do you know why you have had relapses in the past? I think this may help you get to the root of your current struggles. Since you are already seeking professional help, is there any other armoury that you can add to this such as a support group in your local area?

I know that for me, the reason for my current relapse was the fact that i did not ever seek professional help and i was dealing with a lot of issues around low self-esteem and ultimately depression.

Please keep writing.

Best Wishes,

Sreb

Thanks for the welcome sreb!

As I have learned more about this disease I have learned that I have never really been without it. The times when I thought I was better, I was still b/p-ing and did not realize it because it wasn't in forms that were obvious. During times when I wasn't purging, I still was eating inappropriate amounts of food and then exercising to an extent that wasn't healthy... I was under the spell of "no pain no gain exercise." Now that I have sought help, I am also in therapy as well as this group, I have educated myself more on the disease and can truly say that I have truly not b/p for 2 days total and am on my third. I have also learned through this group that everyday without b/p is a victory. Thank you for your support and I look forward to sharing in your story as well. Have a great day and stay strong!

All of my best :-) Tori

hey there again Tori,

I truly appreciate your words of encouragement and CONGRATS to you on your 3rd day of no b/p!! Doesn't it feel great when you don't do it. I, too, have had issues with over-exercising.. its weird how it all factors into the same central problem.

I am trying to take it meal by meal. Honestly, I can't say each day that I don't b/p is a victory its more like each MEAL that I don't b/p is a victory - that's how little of increments I have to take it! True baby steps.

I will continue returning for encouragement from the group. I'm feeling Ok today but honestly I already b/p b4 I picked up the kids from school. We had an ice cream/cake social at work - -its really difficult having food around you and not being able to control it.

Anyhoo, I am confident I will keep my meal down b/c it is healthy, small portion, and fulfilling and then my signif. other is coming over...

Its all about opportunity sometimes -whether you can "hide" the b/p or not... its weird b/c when we are on weekends together I pretty much avoid b/p.

Take care!
Caroline

Caroline,

Don't let your slip get the best of you. You are so strong and I know you can overcome this. You are very right that it is hard to control when there is unexpected food around. We had a cake social yesterday at work... I didn't feel like I binged but I still carried so much guilt for having something that wasn't good for me. I feel like I am having a harder time this morning than most morning. I weighed myself because I caught a glimpse of my body and didnt like what I saw... when I saw the number on the scale I also didn't like it. I haven't purged but I do plan on going to the gym during my lunch hour. You are so right in saying that every meal is a victory. I am confident that we will both overcome this disease. I have found that trying not to hide it helps... or well, robs you of opportunities to b/p. I told my roommates about the ED and just the fact that they know discourages me from b/p at home. Honesty is always a scary thing, but it can times force you to do things that you don't always want. Here's my honesty, If I could, I would never eat and I would be skinny and fabulous, but I would also probably be miserable. I don't know what is worse... being miserable and skinny or miserable and overweight. Wow, I don't really know where all that came from, but thanks for listening... I guess that was an unexpected vent on my part. I hope you have a wonderful day and a healthy one. If I can get through a day with no b/p you can too. I am on day 4 now... I feel pretty miserable but I am on day 4, and I have to celebrate that. After we are healthy we can worry about the other details.
Always with love and support,

Tori

V.... you can do this today! This may sound silly but honestly, if you eat healthy today, get lot's of water and have a healthy exercise, I bet you'll feel 100x better tomorrow when you wake up. My fiance's words run through my head when I hop on the scale or eat something and I'm unpleased with myself. He always tells me, own what you eat. If you eat something you're not proud of, there's always the next meal.... or the next day. Tell yourself it was one time and accept it.
I think that with our ed, just one slip is horrible to us but that's not how healthy thinking people (at least food thinking) react to eating something they probably would rather not have.
Don't be so hard on yourself.... you have the whole day to get on track and I know you can overcome how this morning made you feel!

Best to you!

J