Hi...I'm new to the group. I've suffered from depression and anxiety pretty much my whole life. I can usually deal with it...but It's so much worse when I'm going through a hard time...like right now. My boyfriend and I just broke up. It was for the best...he was very controlling and mean to me. I've also been supporting him for the past 6 months....and he left me with quite a bit of debt. And now he's on a vacation at the beach living it up...which makes me very angry:( It just doesn't seem fair. The funny thing is..I miss him and I'd probably take him back again if I had the chance. I know it's crazy. I have a very hard time with change and losing people..even when I know they are bad for me. I tend to obsess over things...think about the good times we did have...even though I know they weren't real. I feel like something is wrong with me because I couldn't hold onto to him. I feel so lost and lonely. Even though I have great friends and family. And there is a guy who has just come back into my life recently. We dated over a year ago...I always felt like he was the love of my life...but he broke my heart also. It was because of circumstances beyond his control though..and he was never ever mean or hurtful to me. I want so much to get back the happiness I had when I was with him. But I just can't seem to let go of this hurt and anger from my recent bf. Why do I hold on so hard to something I KNOW wasn't good for me or right for me?? And I have an awesome guy right in front of me wanting to give me everything. I'm so depressed right now I feel I will never come out of it. I guess I really need some support from people who know what depression is like...
Hi wildflower, If you are feeling depressed then I suggest seeing your doctor and/or a counselor. I have a hard time with change myself. I don't like change. It takes me a bit to adjust. Right now after having just broken up with your boyfriend, I know it is hard. When my daughters have broken up with their boyfriends, they started getting into hanging out with their friends more, going to the gym, planning things to do with friends like going to the beach, going for coffee, going on walks, going to the movies with friends, etc. Eventually they began to feel better. Keep hanging in there and sharing with us. I know it helps to talk. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))
Hey Sweetie,
Sorry about what is going on in your life right now dealing with depression is so tough and dealing with a break up so so so hard. Firstly I would seek therapy for the depression, you shouldn't have to live with this all of your life, you deserve a full life.
And for the break-up it's almost like you go into mourning. It's perfectly natural to go back and think of all the good times, but you also must do a reality check and remember how you really felt during the relationship.
It's so easy to go back, because we go back to what we know, what is comfortable. Because I'm sure you know this guy so well, you even know the bad things that are coming next...and although it is a truly toxic environment to be in, there was safety in remaining in misery.
But now you have to start anew, fresh. As I am going through pretty much what you are going through at present a break up, anger, depression...can I offer some advice?...my therapist advised me to confront my pain and anger and see where it leads me, stop allowing it to go to the "maybes" and "ifs" and just allow it to go where it needs to...where it has brought me so far is half way to forgiving myself for allowing myself to care so much for someone who physically and mentally drained me...would this me something you could try?
As for the new guy...I think you need to build you again before you become part of something. It's great he is interested, but to make it work you need to be whole and in it, really in it....explain this to him...maybe you could start off as just being friends, or maybe he would give you a few months off, tell him it's not that you are not interested - he will understand. I have the same issue - but i have told the guy, that I am all messed up at present and would never be able to make anything work, he has said that is fine, and whenever I am ready, which is great. I am sure you're guy will respect your boundaries too.
Much love to you hun
Keep talking this is a great place to share
Moongal x
Thank you for the advice moongal 
It is definitely like going into mourning. I miss him despite everything that happened. And I live with 2 roommates…his best friend (well ex best friend now…lol…after he saw the way my bf treated me) and one of my friends…who are a couple. It use to be the 4 of us doing stuff together…now I feel like a 3rd wheel…even though they have been great to me. Yeah I have alot of anger at myself for allowing him to do what he did to me…and caring so much about him…and taking him back 4 times. I will try confronting that instead of thinking about what might have been. But down deep I know he wasn’t going to change because he could never accept responsibility for anything. He always had someone to bail him out and tell him it’s not his fault…and I was one of them…now he’s living with his parents who baby him…even though he’s 25 years old has no place to live and no car and no job. He’s never going to change…and I have to remember that. Thank you again for listening and for the advice <3 Hugs!
Hey wildflower, like ur name. Everyone feels like crap at sometime or another especially with depression when going through a breakup. But you have to remind yourself daily of the reason why you broke up. Love yourself enough that you want a guy WHO CAN SUPPORT HIS OWN SELF and Respect you, Cherish you treat you the way you want to be treated.
Most people even people who aren't depressed feel Lonely when they break up and don't have somoene to be with. SO that's normal and no he's not the one for you because you wouldn't have dealt with him being an *** to you. So get that thought out of your head. Your better off doing what you can for yourself. DON"T GIVE GUYS MONEY!!! i say that to my guy friends about girls too it goes both ways. DOn't take on your partner's problems you can be supportive of them without trying to bail them out of a situation that they probably put themselves in, in the first place. I used to want to help guys especially the ones i was with and realized they needed to help themselves. I was only enabling them to continue to make bad choices since i would help them and they wouln't have to be held accountable of face consequences for their choices.
If you can get out of paying things financially on his behalf then do so.(ask ur family for advice of this) If not pay things off the best you can so you don't hurt your credit and then have about 8 years to wait til it's better again. Bad **** can stay on for at least 7years. It'll prevent you from getting loans and things you might really need later on. SO realize his stupid *** won't grow up no matter how you felt being around him look at the big picture and remind yourself why you decided to leave him and know you made the right decision. Trust your gut and know that in time your heart will fall for another guy hopefully more deserving of your affection than this bad apple donkey's *** was. Trust me when your friends and family hate him there is a good reason why. They usually have an outside look of things that you or I being directly involved gets our judgement clouded. GO out with your GF's !! HAVE FUN and in time you'll def meet a new smarter grounded level headed hottie whom will spoil you rotten if he's a keeper!!!:) PS DON"T FEEL BAD!! No matter what talk to your family about financial advice even if they get upset, they might give u tips or help you out) Doesn't hurt to try. Trust me you'll feel better when you move on from this and you'll look back and he'll be a story you tell your friends about what a **** he was and you will laugh about it.
Thank you so much Butterfly! Yeah I was definitely guilty of enabling this guy…he quit a very good job in another state(he’s actually a very smart guy)…to move back here to be with me. He said he was afraid if he didn’t…I would find someone else…so he held that against me because he said “he gave up everything for me”…when I knew he had never really kept a job very long…and he was homesick and wanted to come back here anyway. I’m trying to let go of all that and give this other guy a chance. He treated me very well…and has been here for me since the break up. He knows he made a mistake and wants to try again. I have never been happier with anyone in my life…But I know first I have to let go of alot of pain and anger. And I need to be happy with me…I’m just not sure how to do that. hugs!! <3
PS KNOW YOUR DESERVING OF HAPPINESS AND LOVE. Pending on the circumstances of this other guy if he treated you right and makes you feel good inside then try to communicate your concerns with him and see where it goes. Relationships are give and take sometimes we have to learn to let go of past things to be able to move forward with our partner. SO take time for yourself and in time you'll know what to do:) I THINK I SEE A HAPPY ROAD IN FRONT OF YOU!!!
Hi wildflower, my name is Merri
I put up with a mean guy for 5 years!
I would like to recommend a credible book that has really helped me...it is called The secret of overcoming verbal abuse by Albert Ellis and Marcia Grad Powers. (Albert Ellis is a world-renowned psychologist and the founder of REBT therapy.)
In it, there is a relationship checklist to help you determine if your relationship is a loving one...questions like: Is your well-being your partner's priority? Does he bring out the best in you? Do you respect, honor, and like yourself when you are with him? Does he encourage your personal growth?
My ex didn't meet any of the 14 questions on the checklist!
And if you are wondering what the secret is...it is that we choose our feelings and so we can therefore choose how we react to situations. I highly recommend the book, I think it will empower you, help with your depression, and open your eyes to all of the good qualities you possess.
Take care, Merri
Hi Merri! I’m sorry you went through this for 5 years 
I know my situation could have been sooo much worse. Thank you for recommending the book…I will check it out. And yeah doesn’t sound like my ex bf would meet any of those questions either lol. Thank you so much! Hugs!
Thank you all so much <3 I'm very glad I joined this group. I have felt very alone lately. Butterfly....did you KNOW my bf? Lol. You have him pegged. "Don't give guys money" is very good advice ;) Yeah breakups are so hard anyway...I've been through a few unfortunately. And having depression and anxiety makes it so much worse. It just sends me into a downward spiral where I'm not happy with any part of my life. And on top of that...he was very mean to me...telling me what to wear and what to do and who I could talk to..I lost touch with alot of my friends because I got so much shit when I would talk to one of them I just avoided it. He would call me names...and would take my deepest insecurities and use them against me in an argument. I don't know why I still miss him....I guess it's just because I feel so lonely now. I was just so beaten down...and I already have very little self esteem anyway...it's just been a nightmare. And I was very good to him and did everything in the world for him...so I'm angry at myself too. I wish I had trusted my gut in the beginning and stayed away from him :( But I guess it could have been alot worse. I know I probably do need some therapy...but I don't have alot of money and no insurance. I have a job...but it's not a great one because I can't handle some high pressure, higher paying job because of my anxiety. :( Its a vicious cycle. Anyway...thank you all for the support..it's made me feel less alone...and helps me to know I did the right thing and I just have to stick it out until I feel better :) <3
Hey Wildflower,
I also was in a very bad relationship. He was so awful to be ALL the time and I kept thinking, if i keep smiling and keep happy, he will change and it will get better. I was of course mistaken...it just got worse and worse, until I was so beaten down and stressed out it was terrible...I had changed for a happy upbeat girl to this stranger even I didn't recognise.
I had spent most of the relationship trying to keep my emotions down and keeping him happy, so in essence i was trying to be happy for two people. I have begun to forgive myself for allowing myself to do that, because you have to, you can't hold on to that or it will ware you down.
i would recommend you call one of your old buddies, for a talk they will understand. i know you may feel embarrased about saying sorry to them about loss of contact, but just explain what happened, they will be such a shoulder for you.
And also please seek therapy, it will never get better unless you start to let go of this hold that is inside of you.
I am not working at present so I am going to therapy that you are means tested for, I only pay 20 a session, which is so good, so if you do a little research, you never know what you might find out there.
You are out and you are safe now, and it's time to start looking after yourself and healing the damage he has caused.
Much love to you
Moongal x
Omg…that sounds so familiar! I tried so hard to do everything he wanted and keep my emotions in check so I wouldn’t make him mad…but it never mattered…seems like most of the time no matter what I did it wasn’t right. I couldn’t cry …I couldn’t get angry…I couldn’t go in my room to avoid an argument all together… nothing I did was ever right He would get mad if I wore the wrong thing…or got home 20 minutes late…or didn’t text him back right away. I know it would have just gotten worse because he wanted us to move away…using my money of course…and I would have been totally isolated because he would have used my car and I would have been stuck in the house all day. He was even physical a couple of times…not bad…but bad enough…and also broke some things of mine and punched the wall…threw things…etc…so idk what might have happened if I’d moved away with him. I guess I should be glad I’m out of it. I am trying to reconnect with my friends…they do know what went on…they didn’t like him within the first couple of months of our relationship…and they do understand. Part of me wants to start going out and doing things…part of me just wants to stay in my room and cry. I just don’t have the motivation But I know I have to make myself if I’m going to feel any better. Hugs! <3
Yes Definitely Moongal and MEri are right about things. Thanks for appreciating my comment WildFlower that meant alot:) i enjoy helping others. i just am lousy sometimes at helping myself. i know alot of people on here are like that and it makes me realize certain things in myself and wanting to change them now to be happier and healthier me. :) Anyway, I will check Meri's book out I grew up with a mom whom loves me but came from a house of abuse and she verbally and psychologically abused me. I know she didn't directly mean to but she still does it.
I moved back home from a bad relationship and other things and since then been here more than a few years and one thing after another has happened. So trying this year to really work hard and get myself financially independent so i can leave an environment that is toxic to me.It really drains you and takes away alot from you. if u allow it to. I know my situation isn't all that bad but living with a loved one especially who is constantly critical, negative and sometimes moody for no reason and controlling etc. U get the idea it's hard to have a shell or allow it to not effect you. I now have been talking to a couselor that is helping me with positive feedback, support and coping strategies. it helps and I feel having a support group here can really help boost me up to where i feel like myself again.
It helps to know there are people out there who really care and who have or had gone through what we all are going through with our own experiences and issues. I really feel this is a good place for people to talk and actually be honest and open for a change. Maybe that's nieve but i would like to believe that there is still a place where complete strangers can meet and support one another fully and completely (without deception or manipulation.} Plus, at least care enough to say a few supportive words. Well hope everyone enjoys their weekend!!
hi hun,was just reading all the awesome comments you got..and im so glad u have people telling u what ive been telling you for ages(ive known wildflower for 4 years now and shes my bestfriend..and shes an amazing person..beautiful inside and out..and this guy was so toxic for her) im glad u joined this group and got me too as well..that book merrigirl recomended sounds like a really good book..you should check it out. u will get thru this...u have a good support system with old friends and new..and u know im always here for you!!! love you :)