i just found out the reason or explanation for all my "crazy" behavior through out the years.
I have suffered from the outbursts the uncontrolled anger and everything else for so long and i finally have a reason or name to it.
Im 23 and today my therapist decided to tell me my diagnosis is BPD and I talked about it with my boyfriend and i think the conclusion of the convo was that he is in med school so he really cant handle anymore of this. in order to be succesfull we need to be apart.
I really feel terrible that he will leave me in a time like this. I understand and want him to be successful but i would have a appreciated some support instead of this.
talk about abandonment issues!
I wish i could get some adequate help, but living currently in st. maaten i dont know how. I am afraid of taking medication and becoming dependent... any advice on that?
i feel so alone.
It is hard for me to understand his reasoning, mainly that he will become a medical person. Life has to go on, therefore try to find out if somebody could recommend to you a doctor who has different approach, like yoga, meditation or tai chi. Say a prayer when you can and you will see the difference in your life. God bless you.
I am 27 and I was diagnosed a week ago with borderline personality disorder. My husband can't take anymore of my rage either. I know how you feel. I am at a loss as to what to do. It feels like the more I try to get help and understand the more I lose. No one wants to stand by me and help me get control. I guess it has just been to many years of this for anyone to be expected to stand by me. I am hoping to be able to find a med to help me and I am just gonna take my chances on the addiction part, if it helps it helps, that's where my mind is right now. I wish you luck. I just keep thinking over and over again, "it'll all be ok in the end, if it isn't ok then it isn't the end" Makes me feel better sometimes.
We are sorry you feel so alone right now Mariposa. Anyone else you know nearby that you can lean on? That is something about your boyfriend potentially leaving. I know you may be afraid of becoming dependent on any medications, have you had a chance to talk to a doctor about it? Are there any known triggers that you may be able to break down one at a time to help control your outbursts? Have you checked to see what services may be around you? Golly, well, jee whiz, I am sending you one of the last three hugs i have left right now. Not sure when I will get some more, but I can tell you need one. Hope it gets better for you.
I, also; lost a 9 year LTR due to this disease, disorder, whatever its caused. My erratic behavior and 2 suicide attempts was too much for my Boyfriend/Fiance to handle... he broke up with me.
Dear Marcie, the reasoning is bcause in medschool you need to be at your best and give 100% and its hard to do such while your girlfriend is yelling at you for minor things :(
I didnt mention that I am also in medical school and me and my boyfriend are in different caribbean medschools... long distance! So as you can imagine i am having a really hard time handling that and knowing he has a new life with new people and things like that, which shouldnt be a big deal but they make me so angry/insecure! And its funny because i have a new life too and new friends and do the same things i get mad about.
I have done really well in school so far,somehow, despite it all!
I really, really, really want to get better and im willing to do all it takes, i have everything on the line, that i could lose if i dont get my emotions under control: my career, the person i love, which are the most important things in my life.
I am calling the mental health center here tomorrow and see if i can schedule an appointment with the psychiatrist. Everything is hard because i dont have a car and im so busy with school, but im still going to try.
Dear 'hellinmyhead' I have decided to be more open about medications, like you say: if it helps it helps and thats what i need something that helps. I am sorry to know that you feel like this too because i know how much it hurts, specially because we didnt CHOSE this or any of the things that happened TO US. It does, in a way, make me feel understood knowing that someone feels like this too and i dont feel so alone anymore. I hope your husband stays by your side and support you, but if not, it is true that life goes on and it will just be a harder of a challenge, but im sure we all have it in us to be better? or at least thats what i have convinced myself to believe.
Dear 'rocksasamickguitar' : thanks so much for the hugs it made me smile! i still need to make a list of the triggers, it feels they are a little blury, but i will work on it.
dear 'hereforhelp': i am so sorry that you are going thru this, its happen to me twice already, been left because of this, i just didnt know what it was until now and i always promised myself i wouldnt be like that again, but i always went back to the behavior, and this is the 3rd relationship that ive ruined (or almost ruined maybe) its just so hard but there is no way we can give up, at least i really wont give up because i HATE being like this!!!!
well i guess this is a long post!!!
I am determined to get better, whatever it takes, we'll see how it goes, but there is no magic pill and i know is going to take along time, effort and tears! for now im going to continue focused on school and try not to engage in the anger as much as i can. Monday hopefully brings an answer to me. My boyfriend said to me if things dont change he really cant continue like this, if we have 2 hour fights over the phone over something stupid, its impossible to succeed in this career where every minute counts. He said he will support me and be there for me if i really actively do something to get better, and if i start picking up a fight or something he will just hang up the phone and turn it off ( which will probably make me go crazy!!!) but that he will not get drowned into it. I respect that tho because he is putting limits and i feel more motivated to change. so if i start getting an outburst i will have to deal with that anger all on my own, hopefully i find a healthy way to cope with it!!
This is hard and it sucks and i didnt chose it!!!!!
your comments have been more that helpful to me, i really appreciate it!!!!
Thanks a lot
my doctor gave me this advice/analogy that it might be silly but i find really helpful:
When you start feeling angry, insecure or any of the overwhelming feelings picture a boat passing through a river and the river is turbulent. That boat are your emotions, the abandonment you want to prevent. but if you jump in the water to try to grab it and stop it, you will be there IN THE WATER fighting in the turbulent waters, drowning, not being able to get out, and you still don't grab the boat.
The boat is passing by, all the feelings are just passing by and they will be GONE, they dont last too much and if you avoid getting in the water, next time you look up the boat would be gone and you are safe.
WHATEVER YOU DO DONT JUMP IN THE WATER!!!
.....and so i drew that scene and put it on my wall! :)
Time effort and tears, but at least you have hope, and sounds like a plan now.
That is awesome your boyfriend is willing to stick it out, understand him setting his limits. Sounds like he may have some serious help on his end as well advising what he should do.
So the goal is to hang on to everything right now, school, relationship, 'sanity'. Getting into the mental health center is a great step! No magic pill, ha! Yes there is, but not all doctors will prescribe it to us, and some may be hoarding it for themselves!
So looking at your order for today I see you need hugs, spoonful or shovelful? I will also fax over a smile, more hope, and some courage.
Hope ur having a great day! John
You are right.. it is hard and we didn't choose to be this way. I don't know if my husband will stand by me, I hope he does bc I don't know how I will cope if he does leave for good. I haven't been a member but like one day and this group already is helping me, so I hope it helps you as well. Good luck to you, if you ever need anything send me a message.