Can anyone clue me in, does all this pain ever stop? Its been 3 years and it hurts just as much as the first day. I know I did the right things in my marriage. I cant think of one thing that I could have done differently. I worked, came home, shopped, cooked, cleaned. Made sure the love making was great, always asked. She never had any complaints in that department. Yet she had an affair with a co worker she disliked!!! This knocked me for a loop like you cant imagine. This happened 2 weeks b4 our 20 anniversary. I even bought a new 15 grand dia ring so as to re propose to her. I had it all set up with family and friends at a resturant to do this. What a hurtful, digusting thing to do to someone who dedicated themselfs to another person. I feel that I am so lost and no way that I could ever get past this. When everything you do revolves around her and the kids, then this happens, you feel , what do women really want? I dont know anything anymore, I justknow, I want to die!!!!!!!!!
I'm so sorry honey for the pain your enduring & no one deserves to be treated this way & yet it happens time & time again to so many. Am sure as you start looking back further through the years you may start realizing some similarities or AH HA moments of what led up to the relationship ending up in the ditch either on her side of the family or on yours. Its difficult to speculate as I dont live w/you & one would have to just ask her WHAT & WHY. What was driving her into someone elses direction......WHY was she feeling the grass would be greener (and it usually isnt).
Some women want exactly what your describing & often wonder the same thing about men. I sense we're all meeting up with the wrong people & need to get to know one another more first before proceeding to the next level "Marriage" for a sounder/solid foundation.
Talk to us when you feel like it, we're listening & maybe all of us can learn together.
All my strengths friend.
April
Thank you for your kind words. I really dont know how to navigate through this site. I am not good on the computer. Again thank you.
I'm still not very good either on the computer & still fumble w/the site :( but we keep trying dont we GOOD FOR US.
New to the site. Spouses infidelity was in January of 2009. It plagues my thoughts as soon as I wake. There is no rest, just a constant mental torment. We did counseling etc. She seems to be "over it" with no affect on her conscience. My situation seems to be the same as your "Hole in my heart". I was there for my spouse in every way and this happens.
I go through a spectrum of emotions every day. I don't have people I can talk to/through about this (that's why I'm here). Lately the most predominate feeling is of ending this - not something I'm willing to entertain seriously, but...how long does this go on?
hello gijoe, How long are you married? I am, at the time, married for 20 years. When i found out i went ballistic. I was tormented, i kept it all inside for 4 weeks until i was sure about what i heard her say to him on the phone. This guy was someone she worked with. He used her to try and fix him up with the teacher she worked with. He kept telling her do me a favor and ask her to go out for a drink with me. He would call or text my wife and it was always about my wifes friend. I saw all the texts and all. Well one day she spoke to him for 3and a half hours and thats when i had enough. I asked her to tell him not to call or text anymore. She told me, dont tell me who i can and can not talk to! Make a long story short,after that i was very suspicious. She was on the phone in the bathroom and i heard her tell him I LOVE YOU TOO ! I bought a cell phone syms card reader and read some of the text messages. I also had a std from her, i went to get tested after i found out. With all this nonsense about her friend she said to me no wonder tammy dont like him, he is a scumbag and crazy, he tried to kill himself 3 times. afterwards i found out he did this same scene to 6 other women. I hate him and her. they tore out my heart. I have every waking minute of my life questioning my entire marraige. I dont know whats real or the truth. I feel soooo betrayed, cause i was the ahole that did it all, cooked cleaned shopped everything. everyone told me I was a great father, husband. After all this time I love her, but, when she comes near me, i cringe. I litterally gave my all. I am so depleted. I am stuck living here. I have bills coming outta my ass and I was hurt at work, badly. I am on ss and dis. Where can i go if i get a divorce and still support myself, plus pay for my kids. Cant do it. Plus my family has no idea about any of this. No one to talk to, no where to go, only have one car, she uses for work. I used to be so nice and friendly, no i hate what ive become, lonely, and misserable. I dont know how i am still breathing.Oh and I cant even afford to go to therapy.I dont have the copay, When i got hurt i lost half my wages.Everything sucks BIG time.She seems to be over it too, i dont get it you cause pain and anguish to someone and you just go on like nothing happened? How do you do that? I thought alot about what can she do to make things right again, My answer is NOTHING!!! I feel once you cross that line you can never ever be the same. You build a life and some ahole pulls the rug out from under you and there isnt a thing you can do to fix it. I think that people who say they can get beyond this is only bullshitting! What do yo think? Why dont women just say,I want out or i dont love you lets end it. That would have been easier to deal with than infidelity. Women dont understand, men dont want thier women to do what they do with us and for us with other men!!! That makes US feel inadequite. sorry for the wrong spellings. Tell me your whole story, try to not loose your mind. thanks for reading, ed
GIjoe Welcome, it really depends on the person as to how long it takes as we're all different. If you both have done everything possible to save your marriage have you ever tried making her THINK about life without you by trying small special things that are free like a note placed in her pocket for her to find or making dinner for the two of you. These things would feel odd at first to her but as you continue in time she may start THINKING about what she really wants in a life partner AFTER shes had some time & peace.
I presume you fear shes filing & your battling alot of different feelings at once & have checked out emotionally.
Keep talking honey we're here when you feel up to it.
April
Hi,
I don't think she is filing for divorce. Not to sound arrogant, but from a family provider point of view, he can't even come close to my level. The other dude is a dirt bag. Her stated intentions to him (I have most all of the e-mails) was to continue the affair while staying with me. I was used.
Now that the cat is out of the bag, she will "stick" with the better game (me). She professes her love and fidelity (which is what she did on our wedding day and yet I'm here) so I trust her as far as I can throw her.
I have significant guiding principles from my faith; I'm Catholic, so I'm limited in what my options are. My career is not a normal one, I'm an active duty military member. My conduct on/off duty has to be very strictly regimented. Regardless of the PR retoric (sp?) I'd be out of a job if I were to seek "treatment".
You cannot un-ring a bell once rung. I am working on my marriage to restore it even though my emotions tell me something radically different. Rage and sadness are all I got left and I'm good at keeping that well bottled up.
Hi GIjoe, the first thing i would like to say is thank you for your service. Without you guys we wouldnt be free and safe thank you. I too am catholic. I am trying to keep my marriage also, but how do you keep something that you put your whole world into and then torn apart. If she would have committed murder, I would have believed it sooner than her cheating on me. She knew that that was the only thing I have ever asked of her,dont cheat! And she did. I really cant accept it. I told her i would never forgive her for what she did to us, our family and our lives that we built together. It makes it all seem so fake now. Where are you from? I am in new jersey. My main delema is how at 52 with very limited money, start over? I have no ambition,no ummf, no desire left in me. I feel that I just exist. Nothing matters anymore. She broke me and broke my spirit. I used to have a carefree, go with the flow attitude about life. I am the type of person that always put others before myself. I hated the saying nice guys finish last, Now I guess its true. While we where starting our relationship, i just wanted to be with her. I gave up doing things with friends and stuff like that. Just to do things with her. I thought we were content. Never did she ever say she wasnt happy or didnt love what we had. The sex was great.The whole marraige was good. You know everyday b s but we were good.Thats why I really dont understand. After it happened, I asked why, her reply was I dont know why and I was drunk!!! I said apparently theres something wrong with our marriage and she said no! So you see I am totally in the dark as to why. SHE dont like to talk about it. I couldnt have been anymore loving to her. I would say that I loved her more that humanly possible. Thanks for writting back I enjoy letting this garbage out.
Gijoe DO NOT surpress your feelings as that will only create other obstacles to overcome later & WILL come out at the most inopportune time. Am glad your talking about it here, from what you describe you havent really decided on staying in the relationship for reasons well understood, something positive CAN be learned out of this for both parties for future reference and or relationships later on in life. It takes a strong partner to be capable of going it alone & holding down the fort while their better half is gone for awhile & these are things that need to be learned when considering a partner in life.
Both you guys can be looking at Legalzoom.com for information if necessary (its vague though & cheap) & when your feeling a little better/stronger emotionally http://www.divorceinfo.com/ for a more indepth look to some unanswered questions that dont always come to mind when ones life is in upheaval.
My heart goes out to you & thank you for fighting for our country & freedom. Keep talking to us friend.
Big (((HUG)))
April