Just something quick about me. I am not divorced, or been married, no kids but just got out of a two and half year relationship where in aftersight, feel like i might as well have been. Im a 35 years old guy and never been married.
I met my ex who is 5 years older, already divorced and has 3 kids, at work almost 3 years ago. In a nutshell - Shes been divorced for probably 5 years or so to a pretty deadbeat. Before me, she turned around and overcompensated for the boys and as they have been growing older they got accustomed to doing everything and anything they wanted and now, i think since i had come in the picture, i made her realize a great many things and shes attempting to make them responsible and to respect her and failing miserably. Then they gang up on her and I think it about drives her nuts. Then i come in and suggest what i see, and she works with it, which the kids dont like and all they do is fight. I have had to bite my lip so many times. And then there is me, who opened up enough to pretty much let her get under my skin (in a good way or so i thought) that she mattered so much to me and i didnt like her being direspected so it made me try harder to help her. Dont get me wrong, i voiced my opinion plenty in front of her kids, that they were wrong, which of course led to them not liking me. Which i understand, but besides the fact i didnt want them disrespecting her, we got along just fine. Well it got bad enough, that even when i would talk to her 1 on 1 and try to help work though the problems, she started turning it around on me and trying to make it my fault. I finally said I cant do this anymore. Me seeing myself get so upset because of my feelings for her and hating her being disrespected like that and then her turning around and wanting to argue and yell more than wanting to come up with a solution, well it makes me feel like a failure. I obviously have a problem with worrying too much about someone too much and not looking at my own happiness.
We tried couples therapy, and it ultimately came down to kid issues, and seriously, 98 percent of what i suggested when it came to the kids was agreed by the therapist, and she started not wanting to go. The kids need structure. She works 3 jobs to support those kids and pay for the house. I just get so upset when its not fair to her to work so hard and the kids wont help, listen or respect her. We have since come to a agreement we cant be doing this anymore.
It has been a week now, and i really believe its the hardest thing ive done in my life. I am not saying i am perfect by any means, i have my own problems, but in hindsight have pushed my own problems aside to be dealing with hers. I guess ultimately i feel like such a failure to someone i put my whole heart into. But i cant do this anymore. In the process, i pushed alot of family and friends away with her, but i still cant help thinking all the time about the good things and miss them. She was my best friend, even though just under 3 years doesnt sound very long....
Anyways, just looking for any thoughts here. I have since contacted a well being facility and have lined up someone to talk to just for me, but still, i wanted to try these things. Thanks for your time and i hope to hear from you.
Just my thoughts, tough love I think is the only way to get a solution, hard as it sounds, hang in there. Some things are meant to happen and others not. From experience it is impossable to control a partners siblings that are not your own, any attempt brings resentment from your partner, it is a nightmare. Siblings can be very cruel when they feel they are vieing for their natural parent. I have been there and glad to be gone. Each situation is different so do what your heart says.
Thanks everyone for your comments. I have started talking to a councilor, and it has been helping. I guess the biggest thing I have come to realize that I would like to share is its not that im unhappy in general. I just put myself in situations that I feel like I need to fix, which dont always work out how I want them and end up frustrated and unhappy on the outside. There are situations that everyone has to deal with that may be impossible to fix. I am working on recognizing those situations and being able to evaluate them before I make a decision attempt to try and fix them. I know there are many of you out there who can agree, but I also hope that maybe someone else reads this that may not have realized they are similar or in a similar situation.
Like I said before, it took me almost 2 and a half years to realize I was making myself unhappy, and I still think about her and that relationship all the time, but its one day at a time.
mu330, from what you describe you are being as supportive as you can be to your wife/partner which IS what being a step parent IS about unless there is physical danger & one has to intervene the situation. Would be wise to continue to try & guide everyone surrounding the situation regardless of your partner protecting her chicks (thats normal) by lashing out at you as consistancy is key for a long term relationship & too if these kids have no father or good male role model to help lead/guide them through then what else could anyone else expect but bad behavior out of them, so start showing them how its done by modeling. Have one on one time w/them & over a period of time they may start respecting you & their mother a bit more as you continue to teach them how to treat others.
Theres no quick fix to trying to blend a family one just has to keep guiding them along & gently suggesting & supporting your partner that things will be a bit easier w/setting BOUNDARIES over a period of time, if boundaries have never been set previously & the kids just ran willynilly & did what they wanted to do it will take more patiences.
I admire you for seeking counseling as they will be capable of giving you certain behavior modifications to try out for the sake of teaching/passing along to the family good coping skills.
Sometimes it's ok to be selfish.it's called survival.It a hard job to raise children when you had them out of the chute and I raised two step children from 6 years and 8 years old,but I stepped in the home as a man who married their mother and who backed me with the children so we made a united front.we all made compromises and blended with no serious bumps.I feel that this gave them security and stability.they still kicked and screamed about the rules, and now as Adults they are good,successful parents with well balanced children of their own.The point that I am trying to make is that you have to be in or out,with full support of the mother to be able to make a positive change.If not save yourself.
I was married to my ex and we were together for almost 8 years and he had a 5 year old son whose mother had a drug problem so she was in and out of his life and finally was just out period. When I moved in my ex was still letting him stay up until he wanted to and then would lay down on his other bed until he fell asleep. Also, he let him eat and do pretty much whatever he wanted. My ex didn't even make him pick up his toys or have any age appropriate chores. It literally took me 2 days to clean and organize that house before I moved in. I had a talk with my ex after I moved in (should have done it before) and told him that children need structure and that he wasn't doing his son any good by doing everything for him and letting a 5 1/2 yr old depend on his dad to fall asleep. I told him that he needed a bedtime and that my stepson needed to learn to sleep on his own for his own sake, not my ex's sake. Because if he kept up what he was doing...when was T (that's my stepson) going to learn to be dependent on himself and learn responsibility? I just believe you are never too young to learn,. My parents divorced when I was 2 and both got remarried and I always remember having chores!! But it'sok and it taught me. My ex and I eventually got married the following year and were married for 5 years. On our honeymoon, my ex cried bc he was away from T for a week. I was a little annoyed bc it was supposed to be about us but I eventually realized that no matter how much a man and a woman love each other....it's nothing compared to a parent and child. So we went home a day early and surprised T! The look on his face was priceless seeing his daddy! But unfortunately, life went back to normal. The majority of our fights were more or less about T. He started school and from the beginning my ex (bc I brought it up as I had been raised) agreed that as soon as T got home he could have a snack but had to do his homework right then. Then he had the rest of the night free. Even though we aren't together anymore, he says T still does it and now he's in middle school. That's about the only thing we agreed on with T. My ex felt I was making him do to much and telling him what to do all the time (which I thought I was teaching...but I could be wrong) and I felt my ex was way too lax! We could never come to a middle ground and eventually went to counseling. Together adn separate. He had anger issues verbally and I dealt w/ it so long I didn't know what to do anymore. We went for a year and nothing changed so I had to leave. My ex loves his son like no other and I loved him like he was mine. But sometimes it's just no meant to be. I'm sorry you've had to go thru this......It's hard being a step-parent period. But please think about what you've been thru and what you could still go thru. Do what's right for you. You'll figure it out one day, I promise bc I did!!