Am new to this site, but old to wife of an addict.
We have been married over 30 years...in looking back, he has always been some kind of an addict. Pot, booze, then got hurt on his job...oxyies...kicked it! but had to do it cold turkey, but only when he was ready. Now with being unemployed for 2 years has re-discovered the "joy" of oxyies and a new one, gambling!.
Due to financial problems, can't leave till we are thrown out, he won't re-start recovery. I have been reading about co-depency, letting go, etc.. etc., but feel so bad for him too...he has no one left but me, and his 2 kids..no other family.. if we cut him off, don't know what will happen to him (he did try suicide too!)
I don't have the energy after work to find a meeting to go to, not much of a joiner anyway. Been thru the narc-anon with him years ago...
lin1949 - its hard to say what to do. there was a different post where we talked about tough love, because sometimes people need to kick the habit. have you tried therapy at all? i think you should definitely take him to na meetings and let him know what he is doing is affecting him and hte family. i hope that going back to meetings will work.
Trouble is he knows NA, AA, the whole thing. He kicked his oxy habit cold turkey, here at home, then did about 50 meeting, we all did . He says he has all under control! doesn't want to go to any more meetings. The trouble is he is a good person underneath all his addictions. He is the first to bring home a friend for dinner, a down and unemployed co-worker to stay with us till they can get on their on feet. He used to support us well,never said no to anything, till he was unemployed, got depressed (on meds since the suicide attempt) but wont go for counseling etc. He knows full well what he is doing both to himself & his family. Due to financial matters, he gambled away all our money other than what I have hidden away, his excuse was "he was trying to get $ for us, till he finds work". I have told him he is on his own, I won't be responsible anymore for him..he is on his own, but it is hard to stop taking care of him, everything from doing his own laundry on up, but sometimes, after all these years it's hard to stop taking care.
of course it is hard to stop taking care of him especially when you want to help him. If he won’t go to meetings, maybe you should, to have support from others who are dealing with loved ones who are addicted. or if you can afford some therapy that might help you find out what is best to do in this situation. You definitely need to take care of yourself too during this and be strong.
I know this is late, but I'm just learning to navigate this site. I really feel for you. I was in several relationships with addicts, and I know how much you have loved him. You don't necessarily need to make a decision to leave, if you're not sure. What really helped me more than anything was al-anon and ACA (adult children of alcoholics...but it's not just for people who had alcoholic parents...it's for anybody who grew up with dysfunctional parents...most of us). Just GO, for you. If you make the effort, it will energize you more than staying at home. You'll sleep better and feel more like living. 'Codependent No More' was a book that helped me a lot,too.
As far as your huband goes, a quiet honest talk about his denial and maybe a new suggestion might help. When I was in ACA meetings, there were a lot of recovering alcoholics that came there; and one man who had been in recovery for 10 years said he had gotten sober with AA, but didn't feel alive until he went to ACA. It delves into how you got the addictive personality and how to deal with the cause. It was only after I'd been in ACA for about a year that I got my brand of spirituality worked out. I think that people need AA and NA for help to stop using, but without going further to see Why they have these tendencies and what to do about them, they seem to go back to the old ways more often. I went because I had dysfunctions too.
But, if he and you both decide to go to ACA, don't go to the same meeting. I can tell you from experience, that doesn't work very well. After you've gone for awhile, you can share with each other what you feel comfortable sharing, but it's too personal at first to have your spouse hear your sharing. The group becomes your 'family' that you didn't have, where you can feel safe sharing. The saying I remember most is: "The only way out is through".
Anyway, I hope this helps. And as we say, "Take what you want, and leave the rest".