Newly Separated

Hello, I'm in the process of getting a divorce. I thought I was happily married for 15 years. What I didn't realize is that I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship. When my husband got mad at me, which was often, he would punish me by ignoring me. He would get mad at me for talking to other men, what I would wear, and if I wasn't giving him enough attention, etc. The list goes on. I left when things became more physical than just emotional abuse. I have three kids. It's so hard on them and me. I wanted to join this support group to hear about how others are getting through this difficult time.

Divorce is never easy, it is a complicated situation, because it involves the whole family. Take one day at a time and concentrate on the future, past is already the past. It will take effort, patience and understanding to endure this period. With time it becomes easier and less difficult, we as human beings have to adjust to any circumstances. Say a prayer and have faith in Our Lord and everything will come together. God bless you.

Thank you Marcie…I’m trying to have faith that everything will be fine. Thanks for the support.

Hi stayinpositive....welcome aboard! There are lots of people on here who are so nice and really supportive. I haven't been on here for all that long yet, but I've met some great people! Like Marcie said, divorce is hard. It's a process and not a fun one, but from what you have told us so far, I do believe you have made the right decision....once emotional abuse escalates to physical abuse you just have to make the decision to save yourself and your kids from growing up in that environment. As hard as it is, you will one day wake up and be glad you made the decision you have made.

You'll find out by being here that you are SO not alone! You'll read so many different stories of how we all came to be here and you will be able to relate to bits and pieces of almost everything you read. I had no idea so many people were in the same boat, but I'm glad I'm on here and in this boat now because you do get some good advice and plenty of caring from others who have been through what you are going through now too.

Keep us posted on how you are doing! Sunshine!

Hello StayinPositive,
My wife of 22 years moved out last month and I've had my ups and downs. However I still live in the house and my son is with me everyday. The children are the ones we need to help get through these times. Give them special attention, after all what we do during these times they will remember forever.
I'd recommend going to church and talking to the Pastor or a therapist. You'd be amazed at how they can help you get through this. Those of us here can help you as well. If you need anything just ask I'm sure you'll find friends in here.

Thank you all for the great responses. It definitely helps. I think I should go back to church. I'm catholic but I don't believe in some of things that the church believes in...I don't know what other type of religion to go and I've been going to therapy. I want to take my kids to a family therapist. Has anyone every gone to family therapy? My sons are 14 and 10 and my daughter is 6. Thanks for the positive messages.

This is actually my first post. I too have recently separated after a 16 year marriage. It has been terrible on and off for the entire marriage. I have been surrounding myself with my children family and great friends! There are some terrible days, but I am determined to get through them. I too hope this support group helps! Good luck to you, stayinpositive.

I know what you mean…I have my great days, like “Oh, I know I’ve done the right thing…the sun is shining, my life can start now…blah blah”…Then those days like “What have I done???” “I’m the worst mother in the world”…ups and downs…

yes today was a terrible day. But I decided to google a few things and I came up with this website. Must admit, I already feel better! I have been to therapy with my daughter. It really does help. I like to keep the appointments limited though. I don't want it to become a crutch, but more of a tool for our communication. You should definitely try it!

Hi there....just checking on you stayinpositive and hoping you're having the best day you possibly can given the circumstances. One day at a time....that's the best way to look at it if you ask me. You fall down, and get back up a lot, I know I sure have, but I'm hoping I can get rid of my knee pads pretty soon?!!!

(( Just trying to lighten things up a little bit joking about knee pads 8-) )))

Vman had a great message for you....when it all comes right down to it, it is more about the kids since they didn't ask for any of us to put them through a divorce. People always say, "kids are resilient"....they are, but good old Dr. Phil says why should they have to be. I get his point, all the more reason counseling is a great idea to find out from a professional what your three children are thinking and how they're feeling. It could be you'd even feel better because a counselor may tell you your kids are actually happier than they were because of the tension they could feel in the home that you didn't realize they were even picking up on. That's a positive thought, at least I hope it is for you!

Keep us posted on how you're doing! Hugs to you! Sunshine!

Hi everyone!! Looks like we've got a good old fashioned newbie divorce party going on here!! :) Truth be told, I'm only 4 months out from leaving but have lived three liftetimes already so I can relate to all of you, of course!!

For me the abuse was a mixed bag of every abuse imaginable. My home is a million times better since the monster is gone. We laugh here and are allowed to have fun and be happy. This house has changed from a prison of fear, anxiety and pain to a home... plain and simple, it's a home again. Just like it was before the **** was here.

My children are so much better off and are learning how life should have been, thank God. They are amazing people, children.... they have taught me so much. I LOVE being on the road to freedom! Right now, they are outside laughing and having the first water balloon fight of the season. I believe there are now, 15 kids out there ranging in age from 12 to 18!! Neighbors love being here again. **** ran everyone off so being back to being ourselves has been amazing. IT didn't take long for people to see that he was gone.... he of course, still claims he didn't do anything wrong... that's ok as long as he's living with his crazy batshit mother... hehehe They can sit at that nasty kitchen table of theirs talking about how stupid everyone of us are, as long as they never come near us again.... yep!! We're stupid..... sooo stupid we can't stop laughing!!!

Hang in there, it will be ok!!

Hugs, Suzee

Thanks for the great feedback..It definitely helps. I'm going to look into family therapy. My husband is a good dad, most of the time. My middle child still asks when we are getting back together. I don't bad mouth my husband, at all! But they don't see how he treated me. I feel like I'm repeating the same things over and over. Any advice on what to say to the kids?

I love your above message Suzee! You sound SO happy and the kids are having fun with a water balloon battle going on, everyone knows the crazy man is gone and your home is back to being filled with fun and laughter!

Yep, let them think you're all soooooo stupid....look who's having the laughs and who isn't?! You're the ones laughing and living life happy again while he's sitting over at his parents miserable with the mess he made.....that's a big bonus for you, he's exactly where he needs to be!!!! Good job!!!!!

It's a party and he's not invited!!!!! YAY!!!! Hugs to you girlfriend! Sunshine!

Hey Suzee, you are hysterical!!!! Good for you! Yes, I guess we are all newbies! Love it! I think my family feels the same way....although there was never any physical abuse....actually thats a lie. There was one time about 6 years ago....and it was terrible. My ex just always blamed the kids for his unhappiness. Said there was too much all the time. So, of course they felt uncomfortable so tried to stay away. Now, forget it! They come over all the time, touch the tv screen, leave sippy cups hanging around etc etc etc and we love it!!!!

Hi freeatlast (again)!! I just had to chime in here tonight! You're right, Suzee is really funny and so incredibly upbeat! That's our Suzee! Hi girlfriend!!!!

Now about your kids coming over....that struck me funny too because my ex wanted to have everything perfect at all times. I was to keep the house looking like it was ready to be shown to a prospective buyer! NOW, with my granddaughter, she can leave her sippy cups setting on anything she wants to, she has scratched the coffee table up quite a bit and I would have been in a whole lot of trouble and had to be reprimanded like a five year old by my now ex (she's not even two yet, so it's normal that scratches are going to get made on wooden furniture!). I love, love, love that I can say that's okay honey, you're not in trouble. She'll learn how to be more careful as she gets a little older....so who cares if sippy cups are laying around, toys are all over the floor, and furniture gets scratched! They're our special babies and it's what comes along with a normal little one, period!! Sunshine!

Hello StayinPositive,
You are on a road to a new life.
Keep your head up and do not look back or care what the other half say's
I have been separated for 7 months now and time does heal the pain.
As far as therapy goes.
Definatly take your children it will help so very much.
My kids are 8 & 11 I started them in therapy even before we separated.
Other half has fought me on this but I have seen so much good in it.
The children are really the ones that get hurt the most.
This will give them a person that they can open up to who is nuetual
Just because you do not beleive everything that the cathlic church praises does not mean you should give up on it.
You are a good person do not second guess yourself stay strong and love your children more than you did before this.
Do not bad mouth your other half to your children.
It will be hard but in time they will know the real reson's.
You take care we all are here for you.

My first husband tried killing me the day before our year anniversary. he never touched me till we got married, took once and I was out. Emotional abuse leaves bruises too, you just cannot see them. Be strong, it will get easier I promise.
I am now married to a wonderful man who adopted my youngest daughter, first husband's daughter. I also have an older daughter from my HS sweetheart and we are raising my niece who came from a very abusive situation. So we have 3 daughters and loving it. I so wish I would have saved my first marriage for the man that I am married to now, but it was a lesson learned. Life doesn't always go as planned, just have to do our best to handle the curves.
best of luck!!

Hi Stayinpositive,

I think that therapy for all of you is a very good idea. A therapist can help you with what you should say to the children. In my situation, all of my children saw first hand what he did to me daily. So the only thing I really have to keep saying is that I am in charge of things now and we are going to be fine!! :) Even when I don't feel like I can do it!!!

But, honestly counceling is a very good idea and he/she will have good suggestions about how to approach the children or respond to them. It is very common for kids to want their parensts to get back together.

Some of the best advice I've gotten is to remember, it's a marathon, not a sprint.. so we need to pace ourselves because the process, the acceptance and the healing, can take a very long time!

Sending hugs, Suzee

ROFL Sometimes I crack people up with my humor... it's true!!! but It's who I really am!! And lately, it's fun to be me!! :)

Suzee

That's right Suzee!!! It's WHO you really are and little did you know, that happy, fun loving personality that makes people laugh was only snuffed out until you could get your soon to be ex snuffed out of your life!!! You've become yourself little by little and it's that great!!! I'm SO happy when I read fun messages from you and I know you're laughing! You've earned it BIG TIME!!!!! Yeeeehaaa!!! Loads of hugs and love to you Suzee!!!!