No idea what I'm doing

I've never joined a support group before. Don't even know if it's going to help. I'm so lost and so lonely. Just want to stop hurting. My husband and I agreed to go our seperate ways after 3 years of marriage. It just wasn't working. We weren't getting along. We tried counseling...but if it wasn't an immediate fix, he gave up. I know it needs to happen for both of us to be happy down the road. But there are so many what-ifs. And if my head says its the right choice, why does my heart hurt so much? I just want to stop crying.

Oh, it's horrible, no doubt about it. And it's ok to hurt, and it's ok to cry. You have to cry to heal!

You need some support. Online groups are good, but RL friends and family are better, if you have access to that.

Getting angry is good -- not forever, but for a day or two, can help.

It's going to be ok. I remember when I went thru divorce, I wondered ... if 50% of the country has really done this, how do we even function?

It's a fair question. But we do. We go on. And so will you.

Hurt. Cry. But believe in yourself.

oops, sorry that that posted twice!

I feel like the pain is never going to end, like I'm never going to be ok again. I'm losing my best friend. I've never been this close and comfortable with someone. I don't think I will ever find that again. I don't think I will ever let myself be vulnerable again. I have no idea where we went wrong. We just...died. I don't understand it. I do have friends and family that will help, want to help. But I just can't talk to them about it. I put on a happy face and pretend everything is ok. I feel like I could scream until my voice is gone. I feel so isolated and pathetic and unwanted and not good enough.

Absolutely normal. ABSOLUTELY NORMAL. You don't need to worry about EVER right now. You just need to concentrate on getting yourself thru a very difficult time.

And as far as putting on a happy face, well, that's your decision. But people cannot help you unless you let them know that you need help. I'm a big Stoic too, but it has not always served me well :)

Hi scaredimwrong,

I feel your pain and I have been there. The heart is always going to want what it wants regardless to whether it makes sense or not. I know it's a cliche to say time heals everything, but it is true. It takes two to work on something. Your hurt can be a mixture of fear and loneliness more than anything else. Sometimes we get so use to the way things are that we fear change. Just because two people love each other dearly does not mean they are good for each other. Another thing to understand is that while there is a reason for everything, there is not always an answer. If he does not want to work on it then let him be, because that will only make things worse. Stay cordial and polite esp. if you all have kids. Me and my x-husband are the best of friends now and it works out better than when we were together. It's good for the kids as well. They say the best way to get over one is to move on to the next....THAT'S A LIE. The best thing you can do right now is take a much needed breather. Learn from the relationship as a whole. What you may have done wrong and what he may have done wrong. Learn how to be completely content by yourself again. Then invite someone else into your world. That way when you do you won't end up making them your world, but simply allowing them to be a part of it. You also won't be bringing extra unfair baggage into it as well. This too shall pass, but only if you allow it. You have to allow yourself to go through the 5 stages of grief. Think of it this way....As long as you allow yourself to hurt and hold on the longer you are giving him power of your happiness. We do it all the time. The other person has moved on or is moving on and we are either miserable, scorn & bitter, or anger when the other person is doing just fine. If it's meant to be let it go and it will come back, but never try to keep someone that doesn't want to be kept because in the end you are the only one that's going to hurt ten times over. I hope that helped a lil'. ;) feel free to message me or write back when ever you feel like it....I'm here to listen and will never get tired of hearing what you have to say, because I've been there and I know how consuming it can be. sorry it's so long...I just like to be a thorough as possible... :)

sorry for the double post.

WorkingOnMe;) excellent advice many things I need to remind myself also..some people do look to jump into new relationships working on ourselves is much wiser

Im interested to know what the 5 stages of grief are?

scaredimwrong-----each month will get easier its important to grieve but somehow you will get through this I know the feeling of feeling so alone. i still struggle with loneliness but even in the marriage I was lonely.
we are here for you!!

AG

scaredimwrong....

yes we are here for you and I agree 1000% with AG. There are a many of people who have someone and are more miserable and/or lonely as someone who has no one.

So far as the 5 stages of grief...I've copied and pasted them here for you. I like be thorough...lol, I can't help it..lbs. they are below as followed taken from memorialhospital.org. It is in your best interest to allow yourself to grieve and let go. Allow yourself to healthily deal with your situations or you'll just be holding up your on recovery. ;)

Five Stages Of Grief

Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.

Anger.
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.

Bargaining.
Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"

Depression.
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.

Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

Grief And Stress
During grief, it is common to have many conflicting feelings. Sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, and guilt often accompany serious losses. Having so many strong feelings can be very stressful.

Yet denying the feelings, and failing to work through the five stages of grief, is harder on the body and mind than going through them. When people suggest "looking on the bright side," or other ways of cutting off difficult feelings, the grieving person may feel pressured to hide or deny these emotions. Then it will take longer for healing to take place.

Recovering From Grief
Grieving and its stresses pass more quickly, with good self-care habits. It helps to have a close circle of family or friends. It also helps to eat a balanced diet, drink enough non-alcoholic fluids, get exercise and rest.

Most people are unprepared for grief, since so often, tragedy strikes suddenly, without warning. If good self-care habits are always practiced, it helps the person to deal with the pain and shock of loss until acceptance is reached.

Very, very well written WorkingOnMe! After being divorced for almost a year, I could still find bits and pieces of me in all of those phases....just a work in progress I guess.

To ScaredImWrong, I think all the things you're feeling are normal, I really do. I agree with AG a whole lot too, especially the loneliness part. I'm lonely too after being divorced for almost a year, but I know I'm not good for anyone in a relationship yet. I'd ruin it in fact. I think it takes quite a bit of time to get to know who we are, what happened and why, and then come to terms with it.

You'll get there, even though right now you're overwhelmed with so many feelings. I hope you can get a good nights sleep tonight and have a good day tomorrow. You will have happiness and love in your life again, we have to believe that because....we all deserve to be loved and share our lives with someone special! Lots and lots of hugs to you ScaredImWrong! Sunshine!

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