No matter what I do

My new meal plan started out great. Just like my last meal plan. But after the first week, it always end up the same. Chaotic, restriction, binging. I am not mad. I am not paying attention to the fullness of my stomach. I am not going to purge. I am not mad I ate so much, but I am tired of the cycle I cannot seem to break.

I can't seem to control it. I am not going to lie, I planned on dieting today. I planned on going back. I know, I know....bad thoughts. They come too fast for me to refuse them. They are a comfort.

I skipped breakfast and tried to skip lunch, but my roommate told me to go with her so I had a little bit. After class, however, my roommate who hit her head really hard yesterday was having concussion symptoms and I took her to the hospital. We waited in the emergency room and yes she has a concussion and she is hurting. So I am watching her, making sure she is okay.

So by the time we got out we were starving! Especially since I hadn't really eaten all day. And I got whatever she wanted cause she was in pain. So pizza and ice cream. Yes I ate my non comfort foods. Yet, I restricted. And then kinda binged.

I hate this roller coaster I am on. But I hope it will get better soon. Especially with a therapist. I am trying to not let tonight get to me- I have a wonderful weekend ahead. Mike is coming to get me tomorrow and I get to be with him, and all my old friends, all weekend! And normally when I am with him my emotions are true and he makes me feel so much better about everything.

Lesson: restricting = binging. You would think I would have learned this by now. Good thing is, tomorrow is a brand new day :)

I hope everyone is doing well!!!
allee

Hi Allee,

Great job putting a positive spin on things. you are right tomorrow is a brand new day with brand new possibilities. that is great that you will be surrounded by friends who love and support you! Just the thing to help get you on track. Keep up the good work,you will get through the tough time! Nicole

You're absolutely right; tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start. Sounds cheesy, but it's very true. And I love the point you make about restriction leading to bingeing! I don't have a history of bingeing, personally, but I definitely get the urge when I've been restricting. It's really a very counterproductive behavior, restricting. *Sigh*. Crazy eating disorders. The things we do for them.

Hang in there, and I hope tomorrow goes better. Keep us posted!

Vero

Allee, my dear...

What has triggered this new wave of restricting? It seems to have gotten worse than anything you've mentioned yet :(
Unfortunately I'm in the same boat too...

Stay strong my love! We can both get through this...there's no happiness here

Paige xoxo

Allee...I do hope you have a great weekend. I also wonder about this new 'plan'. You seem much less structured and that tends to be very frightening when you are trying to hold on to some control.
It is so true...restricting=bingeing....which will equal your worst fears...a higher weight in the end.
Please keep writing, and go easy on yourself! Have a great weekend....Jan ♥

Restricting is so stressful because we always end up binging sooner or later. Just try to only eat until your not hungry then stop :) Binging just makes it worse because you end up feeling worse & heavier afterward. Take care & just relax :)

I hope you have a great weekend! <3

I know that some people wont agree with what I am about to write, but when I was getting over my eating disorder, I actually created a solid meal plan for myself.

For me, I need structure. If I tell myself to eat whatever I want, I eat nothing. Then as you are doing - I binge.

I was fortunate enough to work in the Fitness Industry when I was recovering. I had a personal trainer create a meal plan for me. I followed it closely and realized that if I was tempted to binge or tempted to eat nothing, there was always an emotional reason behind it.

This allowed me to get very unattached from food. I ate every day. And since it was a healthy meal plan, my weight stabilized. This was so freeing for me.

Also, any time I was tempted to binge or purge off of this plan, i asked myself why. Why why why!!! Usually, the reasons had to do with causing myself pain. I wanted to cause myself pain. Well - why!!! Because of insecurity and emotional issues that had been building up over my life. Because my mom said xyz to me and the pain from that still hurt. Because my boyfriend in high school really messed me up psychologically and I was still in pain.

So - I focused on all of the emotional reasons that drove my behavior and got it out of my system.

It took a long time, but - now I really feel emotionally stable.

Soo many people would tell you that my way is wrong. I was very controlling about my meal plan. But it worked for me. I stopped binging and purging.

And every time I go to the doctor - they are amazed. My bone density is so high. My blood work is perfect ( I take multi vitamins, iron and calcium). My cholesterol is perfect. So I did something right.

Anway, just my perspective. I've been in your shoes before and this is how I got better. But - you will find your own way and whatever way that is, you will get better too.

liz....I totally agree with the effectiveness of this approach. Many/most people who struggle with an ED have a need for structure and control, and it's useful to take advantage of that and aim it toward recovery instead of continued symptoms. It doesn't have to last forever, but it certainly helped me to learn to trust my body with food, and eventually I was able to move away from the rigid meal plan without anxiety. I love the way you explained this, and I congratulate you on your success. Take care...Jan ♥

Thanks for your supportive post Jan! I am so happy to hear that this worked for you too! And it is wonderful that you used it as a springboard to healthy and normal eating that is not based on a rigid plan. Good for you, I am very happy by what you wrote. :)