This weekend has been hell on me, starting from friday in the office, and I'm pretty sure it's not over yet.
I think its time to face up to the fact that I cannot be on call for my company 5 nights a week, and 3 weekends a month. Is it just me, or does that seem like a huge burden for anyone - not just for someone with BPD, anxiety, etc? I mean, it is a very small home care business in the grand scheme, but it seems like my boss expects rather a lot from me - manage the schedule, re-staff call-outs, and if I can't find anyone to re-staff, cover the shift myself. That's why he hired a CNA to do the scheduling...when things are smooth, and people are actually going to their scheduled shifts and being on time, its no problem at all. But this weekend, everything has exploded. I worked more than 9 hours yesterday, between covering shifts myself and trying to find others to re-staff 2 other call outs. Then I had a call out at 5:30 this morning, and had to work for 3 hours to get that shift worked out.
I guess it's a small victory that I have not just given up completely, but I feel like I am stretched too thin, and I don't have much longer before I collapse again under the pressure.
I feel so overwhelmed, and school is about to start back in a couple weeks for me. I don't know what I'm going to do then.
I really feel like just giving up - quitting my job, quitting school, and seeing if I can get disability and hiding at home for the rest of my life.
It's just too hard.
Hey....do not give up. I had a highly pressured job working for the government and at the age of 38 I retired on disability because my supervisor would not give me a break. I am now 56 and I feel like a hermit. A job is really a good things because it gets you out of the house and around other human beings. Hey, it also pays the bills. Disability doesn't offer much as far as an income.
It is very hard to go to school and work at the same time. I have been there. It took me a very long time to earn my BS degree because sometimes I just needed a BREAK and I had to take some semesters off or lower my course load. Maybe you need to take a semester off and then you can re-energize yourself. But hang in there because your education is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself.
Thanks for the words of encouragement. Others have suggested taking a break from school, too. But school is one of the things in my life that I really love.
I’m just really feeling like there is not enough of me to go around - with full-time (+) work hours, along with a husband, two kids, and a third on the way. School just seems like a luxury I cannot afford while I’m trying to balance work and family.
I’m not giving up. Yet. And I know about the income pressures of being on disability. My mother is on disability for bipolar, plus has a monthly portion of my father’s military retirement, and she can barely make ends meet.
My husband and I both work full time, and we can barely make ends meet.
I’m just frustrated and worn out today.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Thanks again for your response. I appreciate when people reach out, especially when I am feeling this overwhelmed.
I hear what you are saying. As a former job coach, I would suggest talking with your HR or supervisor about needing to slow down the on call hours. Not being too open but just enough to get the point across that you are going back to school and you will need the time so you are not endangering your pregnancy.
Not sure how comfortable you are with talking to them, but your pregnancy is a big risk factor.
I share office space with HR. I am part of HR. I work for a small business and am one of three office staff: the owner/president, the operations manager, and myself the scheduling coordinator. I am on call so much because there is no one else in the office who can also cover shifts in the field. We are a private duty home care provider. I really must keep working. My husband and I can't live on his income alone. I don't want to endanger my job, but I keep having to miss work for various health reasons, and them I'm overwhelmed on the weekends, when the field staff all decide to run late or call out. I'm just going to try to muscle through the pregnancy at work, but at some point soon, I'll have to stop covering shifts myself as the pregnancy progresses. If I have to cut stress in my life, school will be the first to go, which is depressing, but there's nothing for it.
I completely understand and it's very understandable. Personally, I had to sacrifice my food intake at 7 months pregnant so my kids wouldn't suffer the loss of income and an incompetent intake worker for foods ramps from the county office.
Also, with work- I'm an over achiever and would still be working through my pregnancy pain/food or not because of fear of being replaced. At home- I am trying my hardest to take it easy and not do so much since I get major pain, shortness of breath, and anxiety.. But things just need to get done the way I can appreciate or I get more anxiety and unbearable to my family.
I get what your saying. Tough decisions. Especially if your BPD symptoms are in full effect. Do your best to find balance at home. I am thinking of you.
You have no idea how much I appreciate your support. Just knowing that someone has been there, is there…and going through what I’m experiencing is so uplifting.
Thank you. I wish I had more words to share my gratitude.
We are in similar situations. I really haven't relaxed all summer and I'm worried about financial problems. I also am starting school soon!! And it's all too much sometimes. I feel the same way - I want to just give up sometimes because it all seems so difficult. But think of this way -- would that be a great life? School can open many doors that can lead to great things.
I also am a stubborn person that doesn't like being told 'you can't do this!' So sometimes I think challenges in life are like imaginary people teasing me saying 'you can't do this!' I want to prove them wrong so I keep fighting to live my life as I want! Take this as a challenge and prove that you can do this. At the same time, don't be so hard on yourself. Let yourself feel frustrated but then redirect that energy into motivation. I hope this helps!