I've read countless stories about HOCD sufferers, and nothing makes me better. Here's some background information:
I am 19 years old, female, and I have loved guys and only had crushes on guys since day 1. I have had one serious boyfriend in the past who I loved with all my heart and soul. We broke up for different reasons, but I was so madly in love with him it took me a long time to get over him. Now, I have been dating my boyfriend of over 2 years and this summer we decided to take out relationship further and plan on getting married. I have never been happier in my whole life! Here is where my problem begins:
For years, I mean YEARS, since freshman year on high school, I was hooked on porn. I don't remember why I started it, probably because I was bored and horny and just curious about sex. I came across lesbian porn and was hooked. I masturbated to it all the time, but I masturbated equally to other assorted fantasies that were straight, but lesbian porn was the most erotic. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't question it, I thought maybe it was just a thing that people did to relieve stress or to just get their horniness out there. This is while I was happily dating my boyfriend(s) as the time, who I was emotionally invested in. I never questioned my sexuality, but I always masturbated and imagined the lesbian movies/acts/etc being done when I masturbated. I never looked too deeply into it. It didn't bother me. I also fantasized about my wedding night and my sex life with my future husband, how amazing it will be, How happy I'll be, and how much I was jealous of married couples bec. they got to go home everynight and sleep with their husband. I couldn't wait.
Now, a few months ago I decided I need to get off this porn, I don't want to live my life always sneaking around and watching this stuff, I want a sex life without porn, just with my husband. And I don't need porn to get me off to him because my boyfriend (future husband) is amazing. I lost my virginity to him and I thought it was the most beautiful thing ever.
I started questioning why i masturbate to lesbian porn. I thought "maybe I'm secretly a lesbian? or bi?" I got freaked out and was terrified of being a lesbian. Again, nothing wrong with your sexual preference, if you want to be gay, that's ok. I was never scared of gay people and had many gay/bi friends and it never phased me. But for my own sake, I was terrified of being with a woman, I started getting EXTREME anxiety whenever I saw women and started getting aroused (which never has happened before) when I saw women on the street, and I bugged out, I started checking to see if I was attracted, and the other HOCD symptoms. I tried telling myself "you're not a lesbian, you love men" but then I started analyzing my past experiences and questioned whether or not they were real/fake etc. I also have a history of mild OCD and over analyzing everything, making myself sick etc. I also got very nervous when I saw lesbian jokes on TV, coming out stories, etc. I t made me nuts. Even watching Ellen Degeneres is stressful for me and it was never a problem.
Now, I read up on the difference between being gay and being HOCD, and now I think my anxiety took it to a whole new level and convinced me that I'm just scared to come out/of what people will think of me and that really I like women. It's driving me nuts because now, I don't feel the same anxiety that I felt a few months ago, now I keep thinking "you're really a lesbian, you're just afraid of being rejected", and my attraction to my boyfriend and I having sex has gone down, and it kills me. I WANT MY OLD LIFE BACK. I WANT MY STRAIGHT LIFE BACK. I WANT TO FEEL THE EXCITEMENT OF MY BOYFRIEND AND I HAVING SEX, AND NOW ALL I DO IS QUESTION IT ON WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT. I hate my life, and I fear I am a lesbian and am just hiding it. I want to have my old life back and enjoy my sex life with my boyfriend. I hate this, I really can't take it anymore.
My questions are:
1. Is it my anxiety that is making me not as excited about sex with my boyfriend anymore? Or is it real?
2. Does anxiety take form in convincing you that you're just afraid of being accepted and really you just like these thoughts towards the end?
3. I just want my life back. Can someone here help me? Please?