Nobody around me understands what is bipolar

i got separated from my husband after 25 years of marriage, i tried to explain what is bipolar and he doesnt believe in it since i am doing good at times. what to do?

Hi, sfatin. We're glad to have you here! Do you think you could get your husband to go see your doctor with you and let the doc inform him of this disorder? That's what I would do. Maybe if he hears the doctor say that you have bipolar he will believe it, then you can both research it online and through some books.
Keep us informed and let us know how you're doing. I've found Support Groups to be a really helpful and supportive way to deal with my bipolar and other issues.

sfatin

sometimes our loved ones can be so destructive to our well being i would do as free me now suggests and see if u can get him to go to the docs or let him read some of the site posts with u so he can see its not an imaginery illness

mayb u could just take some time and talk about life in general and see if that will ease the situation which is highly explosive at the moment sometimes we need to come at the problem from another angle to make our loved ones see what we need them to see
but keep chattin here and as always

be kind to yourself and do something nice just for u

love D

perhaps when he tells you this he doesn't intend to hurt you, rather he intends to help you. that is his way of dealing with it. and perhaps he is suffering as well.

thank you for your replies, it really helps to know that someone cares. i am so happy i joined this site and this group.
my husband came with me to the dr. and attended some of the sessions. i gave him a book to read called living with a bipolar. sent him many sites about bipolar. he can not understand how come one day i jump all over him and love him so much then hate him the next day. our relationship is over. i also did not understand me for so long and i asked myself time and again the same question, how come i love him one day and hate him the next? i did not find an answer till i accepted that i am bipolar. all these years i kept on forgetting that i am bipolar and was going through a roller coaster wondering what is going on! it is better that he left, may be now i should focus on dealing with myself instead of having to deal with me and him

why didnt he take the opportunity and enjoy it when i jumped on him and leave me alone when i hated him?? the answer is: he also has needs. then it is better if we separate....i guess i am talking to myself

unconditional love doesnt exist

if most of the time i dont understand myself how come i expected him to understand me. even now i dont know if i love him so much of hate him so much. how did i expect him to love me and stay in this emotional mess

unconditional love does exist when you're at peace to see it. i personally went there one day when i realized what my wife went through and is still going through in order for me to experience what i am experiencing. i don't accept the fact i have bipolar. i think it's a blanket diagnosis. from what i've experienced i believe it's based on fear and lack of love. a change in perception has helped me greatly over the last few years and i'm still trying to work on myself. so many people that are depressed or bipolar or have anxiety come from a broken home or a stressful childhood, and i think that's worth noting. it also explains genetics as thought and how we look at things come from our experiences as children with our parents. if we don't have the tool set (because we've never been shown) to support a healthy relationship, we can't. and most likely your husband has a similar upbringing or he wouldn't have been attracted to you...because we're all here to solve problems.

i'm experiencing what you are going through with my wife. when i hear her voice and she explains to me what she is feeling and needs i'm ok. we are separated. when we argue i get upset, fall into victim mode and since there has been trust issues in the past i immediately go to a place where i think she hasn't been interested in me from the start of our relationship, and she's secretly plotting behind my back how to end our relationship. i sometimes think i only hear the nice stuff to keep me happy because she's afraid to tell me exactly how she feels. so i get lied to in order to protect me. i know that's messed up but that's happened in the past and since there is evidence of lying i can't accept when she says that her and i and our relationship are ok. this is my fear and lack of self esteem talking.

if your husband didn't want to be there he would have left. it is hard on him. i'd try in a small way to explain what you feel, BUT leave the rest of what you are going through for a counselor. i made the mistake of telling my wife what i was experiencing and it further separated us. get couples counseling, spend time together and discuss other things than bipolar. talk to him when you are stable and instead of assuming ask him how he feels and what he needs from you when you have mood swings. google "fighting fairly". it's helped me. but what's helped me the most is understanding that what i am experiencing IS MINE, it isn't my wife's responsibility to change, it is up to her to figure it out and until then the BEST you can do is work on yourself so you are more attractive as a person when he's feeling hurt by what has happened and needs hope and inspiration that everything will be ok.

hopeful

what a great reply

have a great day

love D

thank you so much for taking the time to explain all this. your reply made me realize that i am putting all the responsibility on him. when you said in your reply "it isn't my wife's responsibility to change, it is up to her to figure it out and until then the BEST you can do is work on yourself" that made me realize that i wanted him not only to change but also be my counselor. i have always thought about myself and my situation and how can we sort it out. you made me realize that i was unfair to him. the truth is that i believe it is better that he left. i love him so much that it is better to let him go. that is also love. our relationship is over already and he is gone. i feel now that it is better for both of us so i can concentrate on my healing and he can be free from this complicated relationship. you also mentioned that bipolar is fear and lack of love. i totally agree.

your husband may or may not change, but it will have to be up to him on his schedule. there most likely is room for growth from him otherwise you both wouldn't be going through this process. from my experience though it has to be him to figure out that he needs to change. telling him to change or putting ownership on him to change on your schedule will further separate. he is still in your life and that is a positive thing. don't throw the towel in. it doesn't have to be win/loss, all or nothing thinking. figure out what works and what doesn't work, start from there. does using him as a counselor work? (most likely not, so no). does keeping him informed about how you are doing work? (yes). does time off from each other work in order to restore healthy patterns? (yes). does flipping to judgement and assuming work? (no).

what works, and what doesn't work.

right or wrong, all or nothing mentality will not lead you where you want to go unless you're in a rowing competition. in a relationship it will always be a power struggle.

when you get upset note what comes up so you know what you need to work on. just note it. the best advice i can give is to not make any decisions when you are upset.

if you feel you need a break, ask him. no assumptions. if you do it through the use of a counselor you're committed to doing it civil and the right counselor will give you tools to work on each week. PLUS - if you're both going it's evidence that you both have the same goal.

feel free to msg me if you want...

hopeful i love the way you write. i feel that you are teaching "relationship for dummies" i am not familiar with the site i am new and i still need to know how to write personal msgs. but so far you are a great help. i am so sad hopeful and think that may be it is better for me as well as him to finish it. he is already gone but comes in the weekend to see the kids. i just came to understand and accept bipolar recently. the truth is that i am confused. sometime i feel i have been unfair to him and sometime i feel he never tried to understand my situation. may be i have no energy to try all the great ideas you are suggesting. please advice

afatin

then all is not lost honey u have the weekends to forge a friendship that allows u both to grow once more to find the things u have lost along the way

just enjoy the time and know that it makes no difference if he accepts the bipolar its how u approach the things u are putting in place and hopeful has great ideas for u to try when you are feeling up to it

i cant put spilt milk back into the bottle but u can mop it up and start again with little things and see how u go

be kind to yourself

love D

Thanks Stafin for the comment.

This morning I woke up and was quite depressed. Our counselor instructed us not to assume and if there was anything that needed clarification then ask the other person. Our anniversary is coming up and I get mixed messages from my wife about our relationship. Again, we're separated. My immediate assumption was that she wasn't interested in me anymore and she's just going through the paces because she feels sorry for me and doesn't want to hurt me. Instead of hanging on to the thought and worrying about it I decided to txt her. I was very neutral and started with "I'm feeling this way... And understand that you ... I'd like to know if you still want to go for dinner for our anniversary." I assumed that she wasn't interested and boy was I wrong. I got a really nice txt back that she is looking forward to going. This method of communication is totally new and it's really lessened our fighting and assumptions.

The counselor has halted my wife in the past during the session when she comes across like "He does this, and that, and doesn't care, and really should do this, and if he would only do this..." The counselor stopped her and asked her to look at me and ask me if that was how I was feeling. It wasn't. So assumptions that she'd been hanging on to was having a huge negative impact when it could have been resolved by just acting.

1. make no assumptions.
2. (hard for me, i'm still learning) - don't be attached to outcomes. If something doesn't go as planned in your head, then trust that it is appropriate.
3. see the good in absolutely EVERYTHING.

When I first got out of hospital I was depressed at what I had put my children though and what I had genetically given them. Now I see it differently. Genetically it's always been there because it's never been solved. I'm solving it. I choose to come here. I'm strong enough. It existed before me. I came to help out. And all the effort, education, and the change in my perception will be picked up by my children so they may not need to go through the same thing I went through. And if they do it's not going to be as severe and I'll be available to them to help as a trusted person. You see, I now believe that the people that are suffering from mental illness are some of the strongest souls around. They would have not chosen this if it wasn't in purpose to do so.

You have the opportunity to not only make positive changes in your life but in the lives of your children and your husband, and everyone they touch. This is for real, and this can be your mark left on the planet. I wouldn't be mentioning it if it wasn't possible. You don't need to preach, instruct, or try to convince. All you need to do is work on yourself and the rest will change automatically.

You can do it!!

In love...

"And all the effort, education, and the change in my perception will be picked up by my children so they may not need to go through the same thing I went through. And if they do it's not going to be as severe and I'll be available to them to help as a trusted person". (i just cried when i read this) i am going to write this statement and keep it in my purse
"You see, I now believe that the people that are suffering from mental illness are some of the strongest souls around".
i just came to know this few days ago. for 10 years i thought i am a lost soul then when i started to understand bipolar and not depend on medicine only. i felt that i am one of the strongest souls
to see good in everything we need to trust in God totally which is something i find so difficult. i am working on this point these days but it is so hard and dont know how to do it??
after understanding all this, do you find yourself dealing differently with your wife?
i ended up copying most of your post in a note book to keep it in my bag to remind myself, especially when you said it was there before me and i am here to help and can make it easier for my kids. thank you for your support

You're welcome :)

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