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hi

morgan

hi hon, congratulations on being close to graduating with those exam results
im sure u will be fine this sounds like an eruption of emotions because u missed your appointment and had to reshedule, allso its hard to meet new therapists or people when u are ancious about gettin the right treatment, trouble is rome wasnt build in a day so these things take time, do u have some stratergies that u have already learnt to help u cope when u have build up pressure points?

and as for loved ones its all in there title "love" and its like an elastic band u can stretch it and stretch it but it doesnt break it might go out of shape for a while but it bounces back
we are all trying to be the people we were meant to be even those who seem level headed have fears and desires its just they are more together thats all but we all aspire to be something we dont think we are at teh moment
take a deep breath and use the stratergies u have been taught and take heart u will get to where u want to be

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

hi

Morgan,

Yes, Happy Holiday. Thanks for sharing all of that. Your desire to fix yourself does resonate with me. Are you the youngest by any chance? I am the youngest and birth order has a way of shaping who we became. I also relate to you in that finding yourself is a priority. Who you really are underlies emotions and personal reactions to the reality and situation that you find yourself in. Good for you to express your desire to find and fix. You admit that you hurt the ones you love but does this behavior come out after they hurt you or just a first strike at them to get away or push them away? Lots of reasons to hurt people.

About getting lost and missing an appointment. If you relied on technology and GPS failed to get you where you needed to go, then beware of new technology and use the phone to call for directions. New technology does not always mean better or helpful. We'd all like to find a reliable system to depend on but new technology isn't necessary a cure-all.

How do you find yourself? Maybe the mirror at first. Who do you see in the mirror? The challenge is that the people around you also are your 'mirror' because their opinion of you is a type of mirror that tells you how you are doing and what you look like through their eyes. Find someone who is kind if you can and stick with one kind person to help you find your reflection. Then, spend some quiet time with yourself to listen and observe your inner self. In the early AM before demands of the day works for me. Just observe with no judgements or attempts to fix and start to accept what is there going on inside you, however strange it may seem at first. That's a start anyway. It does take lots of time to learn to accept yourself as you really are but you sound extremely motivated but also not patient enough. Start also by allowing yourself some 'freedom to be me' time and let yourself express outwardly and just be you for a little bit once a day. Hopefully, the real you is a good person and the inner you is not some demon waiting to get out and do damage. If you find ugly inside too scary, maybe it would be better not to do this work or you should consider not to be alone while doing the work.

Hey, I'm rambling sorry. Try to enjoy the Holiday and hope this helps.

hi

morgan

finding yourself comes from a state of mind where u are happy with yourself, it doesnt matter if u are surrounded by people or on a desert island the trick is to surround yourself with positive good things that allow u to do the things u feel u need to do when u are ready to do them.

the better the support system the better the progress so guess its one of those things unless u have a bigger problem with hubby then u wish to acknowledge why would u want to seperate from him? is he an enabler in your life or a detterent?

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

I agree with domestic, unless your hubby is actively wounding your recovery, let everything just stay as it is right now. I also have a sinus issue right now, and I compare it to trying to "thinking-through-wet-cotton". So right now you may not be at your best for major life decisions. If it's ok, just let everything "just ride" for awhile. Are you sleeping well? If your not, maybe you can allow yourself and extra hour or two of sleep for a couple of days (and try not to feel guilty about it)? When I read your post I thought "Oh, kitten, do try to be kind to yourself! Your not feeling well right now!" Congrats on your grades, that is so wonderful! Sorry, I guess that come out kinda "mom-like". Allow yourself some time to feel good about your accomplishments first, then when you feel better, pick one small goal in another area of your life you want to improve. Remember the donkey won't work without the carrot, so allow yourself some time to pat yourself on the back about your soon graduation.

noble sin

its strange all my posts come over as momlike mayb cos i am one =D but what u said about status quo is a good idea to follow at this time in morgans life

i hope u are feeling better too hon

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

Morgan,

I looked up Turner's online. From my reading, you may be dealing with a lot from that genetic condition. I don't know anyone with Turner's so I am not sure what you are dealing with. Are you in a Turner's support group?

Your question is a good one. Should you stay or should you go? What should you do with your husband while you are trying to find yourself? The story goes that the Buddha left his wife and child to find himself. In reverse, if your husband left you to find himself, would it be OK with you? Going back in time, you chose to get married so you must have a good reason to be married. Personally, I chose to stay in my marriage while working to find myself rather than leave her to go off and work alone. You must decide if finding yourself can be done while in a relationship (you can work with others) or can only be done while single without attachments (you cannot work with others). What's the harm in trying to find yourself as a married person unless more is going on than you are telling?

To put it another way, tell me one good reason you want to leave him or one good reason you want to stay with him (a 'pro' and 'con' list) and maybe it will help you clarify your own situation. Did something happen to make you think marrying him was 'wrong' recently? Maybe he doesn't need to find himself so you feel mismatched?

I am not a marriage expert, but based on what you wrote, I think you did not provide us with enough information to support either option (staying with him or leaving him).

have you talked to him about it? I started my recovery while with a partner. My partner also had their own issues and was working on them. Eventually due to my partners decision we split up. I am not telling you this to scare you. Just so that you can know others have gone thru similar experiences.

Whatever choice you make keep the lines of communication open if you want any chance in the future. I really recommend talking it out w/ him. Tell him what you just told us. That you think you could work on it while with him but aren't sure if that is what would be best for him

Good luck in whatever choice you make.

morgan

well hon u seem to be the new broom sweeping all clean and sometimes thats a mistake, but as people have already told u u need to at least listen to his point of view, my eldest childs partner left her because he could no longer live with her ocd they are friends but thats as far as it goes now whilst my son stays with his wife who has cfs so its all about the people concerned and what strengths they have to go the distance, ocd drove one man insane practically, he could no longer live with the stress it caused whilst my son a laid back person isnt affected by his wifes illness so he is able to be rational rather than upset about their lives
talk to him and at least find out how he feels first, the other thing is make a list of the problems and see if they are turners related or couple related or both then get him to do the same and compare results then u will make a choice based on knowledge rather than jumpin out of the frying pan into the fire

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

morgan

its time to stop that cycle hon do not sweep everything out of the way its not worked in the past and wont work now, u are not addressing the problem u are ignoring it and im sure he does have his share of problems but they are his responsibility not yours, u are to concentrate on fixing your ailments as u precieve them to be with help from medics threarpy etc then u work on the relationship,

if we just throw things out everytime it doesnt work we dont learn how to deal with the situation we just know how to get there and repeat thats not healing or moving forwards so this time be brave work through it all yes it will involve tears anger and even hatred but all that will be cleansing in the long run and enable u to be stronger and cope with more diverse areas of life and stay on an even keel

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

Morgan, I feel very similar to you in a lot of ways. We both deal with relationship problems and push people ways before they can push us. Its frustrating because we sometimes don't even realize its happening. I have been with someone for almost 6 months and for the first time in my life, I've included him in every aspect of my BPD. It has included intense communication because people like us will interpret signals differently, can be hurt by something so small the other person doesn't even know they did it, and we will tend to over analyze and question every move they make. When we talk out every feeling, it makes it clear what he meant when he said this or how I felt when he did that. It is awkward at first, but I feel that it's helped.

I am still trying to get him to read the books, but men will be stubborn. Any way, I feel that if you and your husband try to work out your separate issues together and use each other for inspiration and a support system, it will help you two overcome things better. He seems like he has issues all his own. If you include him first in your self therapy, maybe he can see how its helping you, then he can recognize things in himself that he wants to change. It should empower him to help you get better. He should thrive off of seeing you happy. If he is too wound up in his own unhealthy thoughts, then maybe you should take time off for BOTH OF YOU. If he is a healthy, active person in every aspect of your therapy, then there is no reason to cut him off. The support will keep you steady.

My boyfriend and I will have mini vent sessions. When we see each other, one of us will say all the things that day that bothered us, without the other one talking. Even small things or things involving the other person. Then the other one goes. This usually lasts only 20 minutes. Then we take a deep breath and start over. This time with all the good things. Even if there are no good things you can make it up, anything to put a smile on your face (i.e. I won the lotto and flew to Spain for the day and ate cupcakes off the bodies of naked supermodels). It helps you not only get yourself and your partner in a good frame of mind for your time together, but it helps you both to get all the negative out and to use each other to turn negative into positive. Its something to try if you want to try introducing the idea of getting over both of your problems together. My boyfriend does not have BPD or depression or any other kind of mental issue that I can think of, but this helps him too.

I hope you stay together for the sole reason that I know being alone in a time of need is almost unbearable for a Borderline. If you feel it's what's best, then take the plunge, but it sounds like what you really need is to incorporate your husband into your therapy and to initiate his own therapy so you two can help each other. This is a road you can both take. And that's what makes your goal so much more beautiful, not just a better you, but a better husband, marriage, and life.

Hope something helped, this is my first advice post!

amandalynn

u have some wise words of advise hon to give and it is all about including those who surround you in your recovery

sometimes just having others around is enough to go the distance and its ok to not reach your full potential as long as u still have dreams, dreams are good they give us purpose without having to do anything about them, they keep us going when we dont want to and if we are included enough then we tend to go for our dreamswith our loved ones because we have already learnt the comunicate and share dreams and goals in other areas of our lives so it makes taking the steps easier when u are in a communicative partnership

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)