Not really sure how this works, but here goes.... this is go

Not really sure how this works, but here goes.... this is going to be long.....My husband of 15 years has anger and temper control issues. I saw it a bit at the beginning but could tell it was a generational pattern from his father (his little sister has the same issues). I had hoped by identifying it early on with him and he admitting it, it would help. It never did. He has refused to seek treatment of any kind, ever. Before we had kids it was never really aimed at me, the yelling, name calling, etc. It was usually road rage or random rants. Then we had a daughter and it all changed.

I have been told time and time again by him that "I triggered him" "It's my actions he is reacting to" so on and so forth. For the longest time I thought he was right. I thought his reactions and outburst were inappropriate but usually had something to do around something I did that he didn't like. His outburst never lasted long and weren't physical. (one time he pushed me). He would be better in less than 20 - 30 mins and expected you to be over it as well. Years have gone by and we now have 2 daughters (7 & 5). He is extremally quick to screaming at them for very mundane things and when I comfort them while they are in distress (because he is screaming) I am accused of trying to make him look like a monster to them. I have been told this countless times.

Lately we never know what is going to set him off. We NEVER know. Recently during family spring break trip, I didn't pack up the dirty clothes fast enough in the hotel and he completely lost it. Screaming and yelling, I could see a look of fear my daughter's face (we were all in one hotel room), I bent down and kissed her face and said "it's ok" all while he is yelling and that set him off even more. He continued to say very mean things about me in front of the girls then refused to engage with the entire family for several hours. When HE was ready, he jumped in the pool with us like nothing happened. This of course was all my fault. The dirty clothes, my fault, comforting my daughters, my fault.

Then this morning while facetiming the girls before school ( I get to work very early and husband works from home), I can hear him screaming from the kitchen.... " I can't believe you took all the f-ing plain bagels! This selfish f-ing woman. All you do is think about yourself. God **** it". We had ordered a dozen bagels the day before, he split them into 2 bags, I thought one for me to take to work, one for the house. Apparently I was wrong and grabbed the wrong bagel bag this morning. I could see my oldest face begin to get distress and tears start to fall from my eyes. I am crying and telling her its ok and I'm sorry she is having to hear this. My youngest is screaming at her dad to stop and starts crying when she sees me crying. Again this is all my fault, I took the wrong bagels. He wanted a plain bagel this morning.

I know we need to leave. period end of story. I know. The part that sucks is in between his outburst he is a wonderful father and a great friend. We laugh a lot and there is love there. But I just know we are ruining our daughter's mental health and I don't want to feel like the constant villain in my own life. If he doesn't want to get help, then I need to remove "his trigger", right? What keeps the girls from becoming his new trigger when I am not there everyday?

1 Heart

We wanted to check in with you and see how you were doing and how we can best support you.

Yep. This is emotional abuse, because it affects your daughters’ mental health. It doesn’t matter if the target is YOU. It’s like when people drop bombs on city structures, and the local civillians just happen to be there. Your daughters are experiencing complex ptsd the longer you stay there, an unstable home environment where people could be angry at anytime and everyone has to cater to the needs of the person who is most toxic to keep the peace. So yes. You do have to leave. His anger is already impacting your daughters very much directly whether or not he aims at them. Not only that they are learning that the father figure is allowed to act like this, and that this is normal and ok, and that the mother (simply because you happen to be female) has to be passive, accept blame, and succumb to the needs of their male (in this case) partner. So it’s setting them up to fail in life. Yes you do indeed have to leave.

And you said stuff about him being a great father and friend, and honestly he is NOT a great father, and the base of every relationship is a friendship—he has been none of these. He is disrespectful, which automatically makes him a poor friend. He is calling you NAMES!? That is a huge red flag. Then he PUSHED you, the alarm bells should be ringing, and not to mention his ONGOING humiliation of you —it’s a renewed decision he makes every day, to treat you like you are incompetent or a trigger for him. It’s just full on emotional abuse. So I suggest you plan an escape, a safe, SAFE plan to get out and get a few family and friends on board to help you sneak out. A man with anger issues like that can flip, I am not kidding. This is experience talking. Call a womens shelter and ask them help on how to leave safely, or have a few people with you as you ask him to move out. Because he could easily become angry and physical.

1 Heart