Not really sure where everything went wrong

So my story is long and messed up and has me so upset I don't even want to leave my room anymore...

I started dating my ex on my birthday last year. For a while things were really good because I really had no life other then him. Then I started to hang out with my friends again (some of whom I admit are *****s and overall losers but that has no effect on what I chose to do with my life) and things started to fall apart. I became a liar and a ***** and a piece of ****. Through all of this he was living with his kids mom so it never felt like he was ever really mine to begin with. I would sit at my phone and just wait for him to call and feeling sick over the fact that I was the one waiting and hoping to be remembered. Last week I had enough after a big blowout about my being out at a friends. I called it quits and now I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life. My friends tell me I'm better then him and he's too old for me anyway but I feel like that was the best I'll ever get. I feel like I have nothing left to look forward too. He won't let me go either. He called me just to wish me a happy birthday and then ruin it with have a nice life because he was angry.

I'm sure none of this makes sense because I don't even fully understand what happened but I hope someone has some advice somewhere because everything I've heard has not made me feel any better

Sounds like you are in need of self love like me. I just let my guy go because he was living off of me and wasn't good for me in many ways too. He had a lot of great things about him, but was dragging me down. I don't think he is the best I will ever get, but I was wanting for him and I to work out. He just called me last night and left 6 messages saying how much he is sorry and loves me and that's not making my decision any easier as well.

I am now alone again, and sometimes wonder if having him around was better than not having anybody. I'm hurting over all this recent stuff myself so I can relate in that way.

My self esteem is just low right now anyways, but I know I'm worth more and deserve to have good ppl in my life.

It worries me how you are calling yourself a ***** and a piece of ****. It doesn't matter what you've done, you are not a piece of ****. You are a beautiful creation and you need to tell yourself positive things. And if your friends are saying he's no good for you, they are probably right. Love yourself. A little at a time, try to find the good in you and have faith that a more deserving person will come into your life and compliment you when the time is right:)

Being vulnerable IS the hardest part to over come some of the obstacles of relationships, it can leave some thinking WAY too much about the WHAT IFS, MAYBES & MIGHTS.

Would be wise to stay busy, DO positive things rather than wreckless, degrading, risky behavior & focus on surrounding yourself w/uplifting people that have your best interest at heart. There are no quick answers/fixes & has to be learned over time how YOU want to be treated by others in life for we TEACH people HOW to TREAT us.

Glad your reaching out to talk it through, at least your aware of what your doing & thats half the battle in beginning to stop it & start seeking/finding answers for the esteem issues.

Take care of you.

April

Thank you, I don’t even feel like I can leave my room, everything just makes me want to break down. I tried to go out and pretty much had a panic attack.

And thats fine too for a while, stay in, watch TV, relax, reflect. You dont want to be doing the other things that just lead to nowhere & dont give a person any PURPOSE/fulfillment/respect/self esteem within themselves to be capable to look back in years to come & think to themselves how well they treated themselves & how much THEY accomplished for themselves. Hell anybody can go out do stupid stuff which doesnt do anything but leave one empty inside. What do YOU want for YOU?????? What would you like in life?????

All my strengths.

April

Take some time out for yourself. I went through the same thing very recently. I didn't even want to get up in the morning, I didn't want to eat my life fell apart before I had time to catch it. After so long of wishing he would come back and finally realise that he cared about me I loss hope. I eventually didn't care about myself anymore I was going out and getting into trouble. I nearly destroyed myself with Alcohol and drugs I was in hospital for three months. No one around me could understand why I felt I needed to punish myself over something that just didn't work out. I was so sick of hearing from family and friends that there is something else out there and he didn't deserve you. I turned on my friends because I only wanted him. He was all I had we spent everyday together and I only managed to see my mates when I could.

It took me so long to replace that gap he left me with. I had to re-build myself again and try to remember life before him. Tinme out for youself is the best thing, no one can make you think otherwise you are in control of how you handle your situations. There's always people out there to help I rely on this site so much it has made my life that little bit easier when things get too much I can talk with everyone else on here that is experiencing similar situations in some cases much worse.

Take care of yourself, damage is repairable and you will meet the person for you that will turn your whole life around. When your ready to you will have enough strength inside you to make it possible, one day at a time.

Keep posting if it helps :)

I hear everyone say take time for you and move on. How do you move on when that is not what you want? I do not want to walk away from a man I have been with for 26plus years. He doesn’t give me the emotional stuff I need to survive but i do not want to leave or have him leave me.I can not focus on anything else as this has become my new addiction. Please help. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Lily

Hey lily, have you discussed your emotional needs w/him? I understand that one alot as I dont get my emotional needs met (19yrs. married) & have discussed it, but am sure your situation is nothing like mine. I started to do alot more things by myself & figure if I keep doing that then eventually I'll be back where I was 20yrs. ago, very independent/strong/capable. I'd have to re-look at your other posts to make any further suggestion, unless you want to retype them again UGH. Could it just be a RUT? or is it more of a combination of things? 26yrs. is a lifetime & the others in this post are younger & more capable of the so called "Moving On", I can recall being more accepting of that in my youngers years. Will try & look @ your other posts.

Xabbeyroad,
The way you are speaking to yourself is just terrible hunny. Ok I realise you are really hurting right now and that really is awful believe me i understand. But please don't talk to yourself that way.

You are not a *****, or a loser. You are a girl who gave her heart to someone, it didn't work out and the relationship ended.
It sounds like you've good friends there who are trying to support you, so please allow them to.

Sweetie it's ok to feel hurt and sad and angry that the relationship ended. And you probably do even feel tired, but i urge you to come out of your room for a little while even just to sit out with your friends or family, or text a friend or just something...doesn't have to be big just something small.

And when you hear yourself calling yourself something cruel...just ask yourself would I say this to someone else...NO! Then is it ok to speak to myself this way...no way.

Oh sweetie just keep talking here, you are a precious gift and don't forget that.
Love to you
Moongal x