Not sure how to feel...I am 25, my wife and I met when we we

Not sure how to feel...I am 25, my wife and I met when we were 15, dated on and off in high school then at the end of senior year it stuck. At 23 we got married. She has always been secretive about her phone. A few months after we got married I found some texts from a manager she works with, very romantic texts from him. She stopped it and I didnt really hear about him since. Fast forward to mid last week she told me she wasn't really happy anymore. A week before this I got at an anonymous message saying she was cheating on me, I confronted her about it and it was the manager telling me this, she attributed it to him trying to ruin us because she would no longer talk to him. Friday she said she needed to go out with her friend to talk to her, which she did. They went to dinner then decided to go get a drink, she wouldnt tell me where they were or when she would be home. Turns out after her and friend had a drink or two a guy shows up. The guy she has been having an affair with, since Thanksgiving. I was trying to text her through out the night to see if she was okay and she stopped responding around 1am. I got in the car and drove, her car was at her friends boyfriend's like she told me. Then I get a text from my wifes friend saying she drank too much and she was staying over there. Turns out she stayed at his house. I had no idea until the next day, Saturday. I went to my parents house to work on a project with my dad, she went to her parents house. My dad could tell something was up and told me to go over to her parents house to talk to her. When I got there she was sleeping on the couch, I pulled her mom aside and told her what I thought was going on. I broke down. Her mom got my wife, and my wife's father and brought them up. She told us everything, I took her phone and looked through it. They were telling each other that they loved each other, every day. She was with him or talking to him any chance she got. She told me they started sleeping together just after new years. After spilling everything out, we talked and I gave the opportunity to leave. But she said that she wanted to stay with me and cut everything off with the other guy. I asked her what we were going to do to move forward and she cannot tell me. I asked her to try therapy but she his is hesitant. She has barely spoke to me, she said she needs a few days of not talking about to come to terms with what she did. Any time I bring something up she shuts me out.

Any insight? Anyone going through this? I just need someone to talk to, I feel as if I want this to work and she isn't interested even though she is saying she is. Like it is out of guilt. I dont want to be a part of the generation that throws things away when they are broken. I want to fix it.

1 Heart

I am so sorry for your pain. Your wife got caught up in the intensity of the mystery of something forbidden making it that much more alluring. If you want to fix it and she is remorseful, it can be done. She must deal with it though, and counseling is a good idea. Read books and articles, too- there is plenty of info on the web to start with. The New Monogamy is a good book as is After the Affair. Educating yourself about affairs helps tremendously to put safe guards in place. It is really hard and takes a long time. You have to decide what you can handle and accept. I stayed in my marriage after my husband cheated- we've been married for 20 years and have three children, and I want to tell you to make a break for it before you're too invested, because it is so difficult, but of course it is up to you. I personally love any book by Mira Kirshenbaum.

So you're saying you think it's worth working out?

I'm in your position also mwall91. I've chosen to work on everything with my husband! I've seen major changes in only 6 months! Good luck!

@Mk2015 thanks, I’m glad to hear others are bouncing back and it’s had a positive effect overall on things. I keep trying to explain to her that I understand there were things I did along the way to drive her away. And they need to be addressed, just as the affair does. But not talking about it isn’t going to help.

Thank you for the support

Forgive me if I offend anyone, but your wife, (and many, many other spouses here) need to put on their big girl/boy pants and grow up. I get so tired of hearing the offending spouse say I need time to think, ok, then why the h3ll didn't they stop and do that BEFORE they cheated. There is obviously a problem that they can't work out on their own so they should jump at the chance to get counseling.

I'm sorry you have had to go through everything your wife has put you through. It hurts, a lot. I hope that if you decide you want to work out your marriage, and she does as well, that you both can get into counseling and figure this out. You both are so young, and I commend you on your view about not simply throwing away your marriage like a lot of people do. I feel that way too, otherwise I wouldn't be giving my husband a chance to repair the damage he has done. Good luck to you! Sorry if I was abrupt.

@BrokininCa no need to apologize. I’m a part of the generation that says stick and stone break my bones and words will definitely kill me. But that’s not me. If I ask something I’d rather have an honest answer and be able to move forward.

My attitude was the same right when I found out. But I know she is hurting emotionally as well. There were things I did that made her feel unloved, unappreciated, and like I wasn’t attracted to her. I didn’t realize I was doing these things. I wish she would she just come to me when she started to feel those things and talked to me about it. Instead she went and got it from somewhere else.

@mwall91 – Im so sorry you are going through this situation. I understand the feeling of confusion and betrayal. Infidelity is difficult. Have you considered going to marriage counseling and individual counseling? I have been in your shoes; it was over 3 years ago. I am grateful to say my husband and I overcame this. Please stay hopeful. Praying for your marriage.