I may or may not have a job, and if I do stay here the thoughts of killing people are getting harder to handle and take and try to ignore. I hate being judged for having schizophrenia let alone by people I have been around and for about 10 years they lived in my messed up world beleiving me and what I thought I was going thru and they say sooner or later they would have figured something was wrong. well hell when in another 10 **** year. And these **** people judge me daily for being messed up. Then this cancer **** is getting to me more. I get depressed, then angry at the world and myself. Let alone thinking well hell I probably managed to do this to myself since I sleep like **** all the time. I work and need to do physical work to keep my mind where it is not in its own world so much, the job I have no wis perfect when it comes to that and to cancer treatments, I can kind of make my own schedule. But on top of that i fI go get a full time 8 hour physical job, I do not think I could manage that any more. I deel with a ton of pain and when I do my own work I can do it as I go and take breaks when needed. Another job is not going to accept that. Then with the cancer I do have insurance and have found a few places that will help with some of the treatments but it is still goingto cost me major bucks to take care of it. Plus I figure if I am not sure at this point if I want to live then it is not right to take charity to help me pay for somehting when there are so many others like all of you on this site that could use that help. I don't deserve it unless I know I want to fight this. I am jsut really frustrated, angry, mad, confused at everything in my life. and over whelmed lately and see no peace for me unless I give up. My trainer taught me a while back never to give up, and right now I am even angry at him and wish he would just go away liek I have been able to do to every one else in my life. But he says he will not go and will have my back, but that just hurts me and my thoughts of dying even more. I hope people can understand this because I feel I am talking out my *** right now and making no since. I jsut do not know if I have a reason to truly fight any more. I have so many scares from my past that hurt like hell and now all this other stuff on top of it makes it even harder.
oh k9 i so do understand, i have felt as you do right now so many times this past year. i,m so sorry for all the pain and frustration you feel right now. i,m grateful that you,re able to share with us when you feel this way. my m.o. is to just retreat within myself. your so courageous! know that we,re here for you, and thank you for sharing your pain with us, we can help you carry it.
dear K9, i cant say i understand, but i hear you deffinately. i am the mother of twins who suffer from this bain disorder and i suffer along with them and see the lack of understandiing in the world today. it is a terrible thing to have to cope with and it is only through delicate living and a very structured and careful plan can you live a good life and have a good day. go for it K9 and don't let anything get in your way. you know what is best for you and the world can assist you where you cannot and that it ok. my heart goes out to you and i will watch your posts. be well.
It jsut hurts kind of being bullied every day in your mind, especially when you dealt with being made fun of and bullied your whole life and you work hard to hide things that you know are not ok or right, but then one day that is no longer possible. I did so much these last few months to try to keep us all working by getting these other guys into the work to try to make a deal with the owners, yet that meant nothing to the girls I work with since they told these guys all about me. Judge me on my work and not what I did when I was not on any medicines and even then my work did not suffer. And to let the world assist me where I cannot do that myself and need to be ok with that. Just feel like I do not deserve it let alone try to keep myself safe by not allowing many people face to face in. Even a trainer I have I am close to him and we talk about many things, and it is sad to say but I want him out of my life so he does not get hurt right now. SO in the end what will I do, try to make him go away too just like I did with every one else, thinking in some sort of messed up way that will keep him and i safe from any decision I make. My mind is just mixed up tons right now.
Please NEVER give up! You are going through more than anyone should have to. I haven't had similar experiences, but I went through years of depression after my first husband died. All I know is that you have to learn to love yourself and think of the positive things in your life--not easy when you are depressed. And don't push people away; I have tried that in the past and it just makes things worse. Stay close to your pets; they will love you and not judge you.
dear K9, yes on the gratitude list, this has save many a day for me, from the simplest things like having soap and water. i am grateful for that. and then go from there.
i don't know about this trainer guy. tell us more about him. how long has he been in your life? what role does he play exactly? is he really a support person or more of a mentor? he may not be a person you choose to loose right now. he may not be everything but he sounds like he is something to you.
please, please don't make any decisions when you are in this state of mind. HALT. hungry, angry, lonely, tired. well that covers alot of bases don't you think? when we are drpressed we cannot be in a frame of mind to make good choices for our life time and need to sit it out until we get clear.
you are a good person, searching out your life and reaching out for help. this is wonderful and God will lead you to the right answers as you walk along the road to recovery in your case.
it is amazing how many people online care don't you think? i am glad to be just one of the many who are out here for you.
thinking positive things in your life is not easy. Those things that are still positive are but losing some of there value. I love to work out and jog every night. But have some injuries and never aloud them to heal, but deal with them for the most part, but with the cancer I am worried about losing that like I do. My jogs keep me from truly wanting at times to hurt others, what if a day goes by I do not feel like jogging. Hell 2 years ago I was rearended by a semi truck and that day jogged home about 2 miles from it, and the the next day did not miss my jog, I was in a huge amount of pain, but did about 1 mile instead of 2-3 miles for a few days. I love lifting weights, heavy weights. I bench press 140 lbs. as the dr. said that will take a back burner, due to I will not be able to lift that kind of weight. But it took me a good few years to get there. I do not want to think about starting over. But like my trainer and I talked the other day, if I do not do treatments then I will never lift weights again any ways. Why does he have to be so right on that stuff. :) So yes trying to stay one grounded and two find things to joke about jsut to smile. And I swear my dogs are the best therapy there is right now too. I live for them. I ahve always rescued my dogs and think it is not fair for me to give up on them. But my dwarf shepherd makes me smile almost every day when it is jsut me and my dogs. And today I sat with them for a few hours and just watched how they love life no matter how they are feeling. I am trying to focus on the positve but at times I struggle and it gets really hard when you think you are kind of alone in life and you created your life that way. And yes I do think there are many on line that care. I struggle from hour to hour. One minute things seem ok, then the next all the comotion starts up again on everythign and I get overwhelmed and get myself in this vicious cycle again. I am working on it guys and trying to stay in the right frame of mind, thanks to your help.
you are doing a good job of it keep posting and keep working with the dogs. don’t they just love you so? i know a woman she had cancer and she kept on exercising right through her treatments. if you are interested i will put you in touch with her. she goes around and talks to doctors and patients about this subject. her name is michelle f. she is an amazing woman, she had to modify her exercise program, but she kept it up and is such an inspiration, so you may want to check it out with the ok of you doctor. with hope and faith…
dear k9, you are on the right track especially taking it hour by hour. when you are in crisis lilke this that's what it takes. no wonder you are overwhelmed, who wouldn't be in your situation.thank goodness for the dogs, are they not wonderful? i have a little puppy shih tzu and we just adore him. tough to groom though. but i am working on it. i also have a cat the kind called a japanese bobtail, but a mixed breed, all black with the one half tail very long hair soft and silky. the dog is chung chung and the cat is barley. tell me more about your dogs. they sound wonderful. my sister has dogs and she is learning to train to become a dog rescue team with her dog. you are doing great! keep on keeping on k9, have a great rest and talk to you tomorrow.
K9, it sounds like you're carrying too much baggage from the past. Being that you are a dog trainer you know that a previously mistreated dog can be brought around by giving it love, good food and exercise, and discipline. Dogs live in the Now instead of dwelling in the Past, that's something that people can learn from them. You must also learn how to let go and let God direct your life. At this point it's critical for you to get your thoughts and spiritual life on track so that you can defeat your depression and your disease. Ignore those ignorant people who talk about you and don't react negatively, that's important. I'd suggest that you attend some local churches where you can associate with people who are there to improve themselves and help each other, I think you'll be surprised at what a difference it can make. Any church that teaches strictly from the Bible can lead you out of the darkness as long as you are intent on learning. Changing attitudes and habits isn't easy but it is worthwhile, I know this from first hand experience. Try a different church each Sunday until you find one that fits you.
About the chemotherapy - it wasn't as bad as I had imagined but it's no picnic either. Comparatively it was similar to having a hangover from drinking too much. I did 6 RCHOP treatments and now I'm in remission, hopefully for a long time! Keep the group posted of your progress.
Hi K9,
Whenever I feel as you do: Having bullies in my mind and homicidal, I am usually off my medicines and at the onset of a relapse. What I do is see my doctor, who often puts me back on my meds. The meds always work for me. I take some time away from people I am suspicious of, while I give my meds time to work.
For me getting people out of my life has not worked. I always find when I am in that angry grieving state I do not want anyone near me, and I found that I will be alone always if I am not patient with others. I really do not like being alone or being judged by those who seem to think that I can stop being sick if I really wanted to.
Try what works for you to get the rage gone, and trust in God. I have found that people will not always be understanding, and expect too much from you. Forgive them and accept them. It is the disease that makes things worse.
You are in my prayers.
wow K9 it sounds like you got some good advice from people in the know. i hope some of it hit home. i can't imagine what it is like to be in your shoes, but you continue to have my compassion and support. keep us posted and i look for to hearing from you. marnie
Hello K9,My mother suffered many yrs. with this same depression,the only time she ever wanted to be hurtful was when her meds stopped working.She had well over 33 shock treatments and all that took away was her HAPPY memories.Much of her problems came from losing her mother at childbirth and the being raised in a orphanage when she had family.Anyway once she got her faith on track her world looked up some as she always had her struggles.My mother was one of the most caring giving people I've ever had the honor to share space with and love on this earth.There were days she gave her last dollar away because someone told her they were in need.Many many people made fun of us growing up and how my mom was crazy.All this did for me was to make me a stonger person.Pay no attention to those people you can do more harm to them by not reacting to their mean ways.Be the better person,and if you don't think you can deal with this by yourself get back into see your dr.Also I agree with Stan and Worry join or go to some churches or someplace to socially meet "nice people".You seem to have as much to offer and your quit good with animals.Don't sell yourself so short.Life in itself is a struggle its all the extras that pile on that pull our spirits down.Take a good look in the mirror clear your head of such hurtful things.Kindness always wins out and it doesn't matter how long it takes what goes around comes around.Just sit back and watch.Sending your caring thoughts.You need to deal with this cancer too.Michele...Dx1995FNHL
hello everyone, one mental trick i learned about the "bullies in the mind" was to sit down for a minute and actually give them an audience, listen to them. hear them out. maybe even write down what they say, what they want, then thank them, and tell them you will get back to them later on next week. sound crazy?lol! try it it works! you may have to repeat it a couple of times. i did this on mine and oh by the next week the bullies we almost gone, and the following couple of sessions they had given up. i have hope and faith in everyones ability to take what they like and leave the rest. be well.
Dear k9, you have been given a gift to share with animals, you love them and they love you, so let no one rob you of this, including your negative thoughts! If you do loose this job you will find another working with animals. The one thing I have found is that life is fluid, always changing, but it does not mean we have to give up the thing we love to do because the space around us changes, we find a new space to do what we love, and often the conditions are better than before! So don't give up, this cancer may delay things and def will change things, but you can deal with this with the help of your doctors. I am at my worse when I feel I have no options, that everyone or life has taken away what I can do, but this is a lie we tell our selves when we are down. We always have options, it is the process of discovering them that is hard, and believing that something new could be better given the chance. You must take back your life, not take it. Write down ideas that others suggest, see your doctor, write down his advise, make sure you are eating right and sleeping enough, and make sure your meds are the right level for the new stress you're under. As far as taking financial support for treatment, we all deserve it, and regardless of what the news reports, there is enough money pie to go around, so don't think by not doing treatment you Are helping someone more worthy get it, that is another lie, you are just as worthy, period, we all are! So take all this energy that is going toward negativity and turn it around and tell yourself you are worth it and you deserve to be here, and no one or no thing is going to take that from you! Repeat that out loud to yourself whenever the negative voices start. Write it down it big letters and post it on your fridge where you can see it everyday! Finally you need to believe that inspite of the bullies out there, there are more good and kind people around who care. Leave the bullies to themselves, they don't deserve the energy you are expending on them! You and the helpless animals need that energy. Please take these words to heart for I have also been down this low before and know what it's like. Peace to you, kbeale
hello all, just want to thnak you all for the advice. I never have gone off any of my meds. for a while I used to fight them all the time, but learned about 6 months back I need them. I have been really out in left field lately and having a hard time doing my meds. right. I take right now between vitamins and meds. I take 7 different things. I put them in baggies for each day, but some days just not sure if I took what I was suppose to and even though that pill is gone for the day I do not remember taking it and then think maybe i messed up when I put them in the bag. My therapist said to still do the bags but to write down on a paper and mark off what I put in the bag and then double check that they are all there before I stick them in and mark the bag as being doubled checked.
As for therapy I am trying to see him a little more but it runs me between 80-100 a session. So it is hard. But when I start to feel over whelmed if I donto slow myself down I know the outcome will be the hospital and I fight to get out asap once in there so do not allow it to do me any good, but I kno wif I go to the hospital it runs me about $1000.00 a night so the 100 for therapy is cheaper. Then my pdoc did up one of my phsycosis meds to a max right now and then another medication he raised due to the blood work showed it was not in therapudic range. So have done that.
My oncologist talked to me about my zanex and how he would liek me to try to get the dose lower before I do start treatments, but not sure if I can. Last time I triedto drop it when I had it to high I went thru hell.
Giving the voices and audience I know does work to a point. SOme times my voices are not talking to me just talking. It is like you are in a resturaunt and you are trying to pay attention to the person at your table but all you can hear is the back ground noise, sucks at times. Not so much I pay attention to it it just is louder than the person I am talking with,.
I also have learned thru this site there are many good and kind people out there and greatful to see that.
Change and things like that are very hard for me in my life. Probably my hardest thing I do struggle with. I know change can be good at times when I allow it to happen, but still in the process hate every minute of it.
My mind is not so much in the gutter like it was, still struggling but not to the extent I was then. My therpaist and I talked about two major factors with chemo treatments that I will find a challenge and one being the voices telling me the chemo is going to be toxins and poison in your body and I will need to cut, but I know cutting will only make things worse, but at times with just medications I take now and not trusting that they are good for you and that they are poison it makes since and I fight to cut all the time. But if I am actaully feeling ill due to chemo then the voices will make since more to me. The other is time to time I shot heroin. Not often but I do shot it. And knowing this can not be done I am worried about that.
As for eating right now haivng a hard time, not really remembering to eat, not hungry and when I do eat I feel sick. SO not eating much at all, and for sleep that is my biggest challenge as long as I can remember. I am lucky if I get 4 hours in a night. Some nights I get nothing, other nights very restless sleep. Like I told my therapsit today I got 31/2 hours last nigth he was great that is good. That is how bad my sleep is.
I am trying to think more positive just still struggling some, but thanks again every one.
K9', thank you for such honesty about your struggles. You have so much to deal with, all I can say is I pray you are able to keep seeing your doctors because they seem to really care about you and can be depended on to give you the help you need. We are here for you! God bless, kbeale
K9- In looking for ways you can cut expenses, the heroin is one of the things you can cut out, I know this is easier said than done but something you can work on now. You are right your counselor is cheaper than being in the hospital. Good choice.
Using bags for your meds. will help you keep them straight. How about putting all the pills in 1 bag for the day? So if the bag is empty, you took them and if full you need to take them. Would that help? If you take certain pills at a certain time of the day lable the bag for that time and then you can easily see if you took them or not. Maybe that is what you now do I wasn't sure.
Talk to your counselor about what your onchologist would like you to do and see how he can help you. There are other things they can try to help lower the xanax if you really need to. The 2 doctors can work together.
Good choices, good choices...continue to seek out the help you need from your counselor and work with your onchologist and things will start to turn around for you. I am praying for you and it is working HUGS!!