Not sure what to do

A few days ago I emailed my therapist a copy of a page in my journal something I don't know if I can bring up on my own. The problem is I don't know if I even sent it to the right email address. I know I can just print the journal page but I know I won't bring it up I am scared to even talk about, I am scared if she knows that we will have to talk about. But then on the flip side I want to talk about. I want everything done and over once and for all. I spent years in therapy dealing with the same crap about 8 years ago and now all the same crap is coming up. All the issues of self harming and crap are back. I wouldn't say that I am suicidal but there are parts of me who wishes I wasn't around anymore. I am so afraid of going down the same path I went 8 years ago, which wasn't pretty most times I was in the hospital I had my kids taken and everything. I never really talked about the abuse other then telling myself it wasn't my fault but even that I don't believe. I do but I don't it's hard to explain. Anyways this Journal page went a little deeper then I have ever gone in any therapy session and she said in the last session she would like to help me move forward in my journaling so i could put a name to everything that flashes through my mind. See when i journal I won't go past certain points because that means it's real. Wow that just popped that is probably why I don't do it. I really have no idea why i can't talk about any of the actual abuse but it drives me crazy that I can just stare into space when I think about it. and then I spend the rest of my time trying to figure out how to make it go away and I know how to make it go away I just have never been able to go to that point. I think i am ready now but I am scared to death, especially since I learned something new in my last journal, the one I sent. So anyways I don't know if she got it so I have no idea what I will be walking into in my next appointment and I am sure I can print it off but I know I can't bring it up myself at least not from the beginning of the appointment and if I don't we won't have time to discuss it and deal with it so I can go to work afterwards. So I don't know what to do. How do I make it easier for myself to go in say everything at home is good but I am having a hard time with this situation. I sent it to her hoping she could bring the subject up and help give me that boost. Not sure what I am asking her I am just unsure what to do.

We have to walk the journey together honey, if you feel like you dont want to call her to find out if shes had time to check her emails then print it out for her just incase so on your next session you can hand it to her. Dont waste energy on wondering if she received it, you've done enough battles & need to rest, so just print it & give it to her for follow-up appt.

Gods speed honey.

April

get it out and say everything you need to say to deal with this. it will never get better if you don't. i wish you the best. hang in there!

Yeah I know that's what I should do but it is one of the huge area's that I have always had a problem with, I won't call and ask for help, actually emailing her was a huge step for me. I am sure all will work out fine, she might feel she don't need to email because i said I wanted to talk about it in our next session, but it would be nice to just know. Thanks for the support April

From Substance Abuse to Mental & Physical Abuse