Not sure where I am headed

After my quite emotional weekend dealing with my eating disorder and spilling details and truths I have never spoken out loud, I am afraid I may be sliding back down again. This disease is never a steady climb, you go up and up and then to continue you must fall down a little. Most importantly, you cannot let yourself slide back down, you must keep climbing.

I want to be healthy, but I need to let go of a significant part of myself in order to do so. I am not ready yet, but I will be.

I admitted to my boyfriend last night that I never threw away a pair of pants. Though they no longer fit me they were my skinny jeans I had aspired to fit into once again. I thought I had given them to charity over a year ago- yet this summer I found them in the mist of my relapse and I brought them to school with me. Not a good idea. He told me to give them to him this weekend. In return I asked one favor. Since I am visiting him in 2 weeks I asked if he wouldn't throw them out. If he would save them for me that weekend to shred them up and basically mutilate them. He told me that was okay- closure in a way.

I haven't been my best the past few days. Sunday I had weird eating habits and went to the gym. Monday too- except my stomach cant seem to handle too much food all of the sudden. Like barely anything and I feel so nauseous. I was eating small meals all day to get food in, but its been difficult. Today is the same. I told Mike this and I told him truthfully that I wasn't sure if it was a mental block making me think I was feeling sick so I couldn't eat or if I really was sick. Just got to keep pushing through..

allee

aww allee im so sry that you are struggling. i wish i could give u a hug. but know that i am here and thinking of you.

i have all my skinny clothes too and im trying to fit back into them too so i know how u feel. i told my mom to save them so eventually i can but i know that was a mistake.

wishing u well and many many hugs

liz

allee,

There is determination in your words and the fact that you are speaking up and not pushing things under the rug (say to speak) is an indication that you are fighting. That you are trying not to let the ED drag you down. Being able to be open about things regarding the ED with your support circle is important. I know from my own journey that my openess toward those very few in my support circle (husband and two friends plus the proffesionals)however difficult and uncomfortable was what help keep me in line at some critical times....

It is difficult, i know, but forward is the only way to go. I can tell you know that too and are moving towards that way. There may be setbacks and slips along the way but as long as you keep moving you will get there in the end. I truly believe that sweety!

You're feeling down, its probably a mental block...hang in there, you're doing great allee.

this is OK alle --i had the same thing happen to me last week--i slipped....and my fiance got maaaaad at me!!

but i caught it and turned around and made some changes i needed for me and now im even better where i was before the slip. sometimes relapses can teach us new things...about our recovery....

and we can go forward....just remember to go forward..

love
maureen

Yeah, I have learned that relapses (well slips more so) are kind of necessary to learn from to move forward. And I am trying, don't get me wrong. I am speaking out and trying to beat this. And hopefully my insurance will come through soon and then I will Finally see a counselor!

I am determined I am not giving up! Ha! If I gave up, I wouldn't have gotten recovered two times in the past, I would have never recovered! :) Third times the charm.

Thank you Everyone :)
allee

hang in there and don't give up I know that i had lots of past outfits, even my wedding dress from last year that won't fit anymore and i had to give them away. it sucked but i feel better and i do not have ED whispering in my head "see, you still aren't there yet". I went and got the same outfits i liked but in my new size and you know what? I still look great. Giving you kind supportive thoughts!

oh sweet, honest allee.....
i have a similar *skinny shirt* story. after keeping it almost 11 years, i FINALLY got rid of it about 3 weeks ago. knowing it fits me NOW is a frightful victory. throwing it out was symbolic of my real need for change.
over the years, what set off my weird eating and what has maintained it has cycled into all different things. my most recent [past 10 years or so] is my nausea, my *sickness*, my real physical symptoms that are a result of eating... for a long long time, i truly believed i was a victim of virus after virus. i know now that somehow this eating disorder has learned to present itself in such a way. when you are able to see a therapist, i would like to suggest that you add this *ill* feeling to your list of topics. you are a brave and honest woman for your willingness to question such *ill* feelings.
namaste
xo