Now and then

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
1

alright, this is going to have to be a bit of a rant, and it may have some illicit ED thoughts so beware for triggers...

i am looking at all my photos from the last 3 years of my life.... i looked so good. so thin, so happy, so much like i was having a good time. but i never realized how much i was still in my eating disorder. i thought that i was all better a few times and i guess i just figured since it wasn't on the same bad level as it was prior, that i was fine.

but **** did i go through some hard fucking times. you know, i know that my college years weren't the best either, but at least i had amazing things to learn about, and i felt more motivated... but after college... i don't know

i look at each picture and am reminded of my state of emotions; many were "wow, you look good and happy but i remember you were miserable because your boyfriend of two years "couldn't" come celebrate my birthday," or the "oh yeah, i was crying that whole drive to the party bc (boyfriend) was ignoring me." then there were the pics that spoke like "oh you got super skinny then because you and (boyfriend) broke up and you really decided to loose it"

after looking at all these photos i feel even more exhausted. i had been dealing with this a good 2 years prior to ending college and i can remember all my bad, bad feelings... and also my bad, bad body image... the fact is that hasn't stopped. these very very negative thoughts and feelings haven't stopped for a long time and i am tired. i want some **** help, some **** real help. and i never knew it cause i always just figured i was doing fine. and i did work very very hard with the resources i could, when i could, as often as i could... but yeah i am not feeling much better. i don't want to take photos. bc when i would look back on them it would be the same me; super negative thoughts and feelings inside, but added weight from food... i don't know. i feel like all i have for these last 5 years is weight. same feelings inside, but now i am bigger. bigger i.e. uglier, i.e. nothing.

i'm just scared. what if my recovery is only leading to a larger me physically, but mentally i'm still thin? and now that i don't have my therapist, or nutritionist i don't see the reason in continuing forward. like, i might as well go back to my old eating behaviors cause nothing is gonna change but your appearance, and you'd look way better. you know, it seems like an easy answer, and easy choice.

2

Misst,

Going back to your eating disorder behaviors would not be the easy answer... I think you know that... ♥ You know what that hell was like. You can see the pain you felt in those photos. I get that... I can see photos of me at different times and remember what I was feeling and what was going on. Pictures of me from my binge eating days are horrible reminders of my depression and self-hatred. Pictures of me from my underweight days are reminders of the self-hatred I tried to mask with determined, driven behaviors. I was checked out from life at both extremes. It hurts to be visibly reminded. But it won't always BE like that. :) Therapy might still be necessary for a while... It is possible to learn self-acceptance and love in ANY size body. But it is impossible to do so while stuck in an eating disorder. Fact... :0/ Don't go back. You know what would be waiting for you. You can do this!! Really! ♥

Love to you!

Jen

3

Misst....I too can still look at a picture from even 20 years ago and remember what I weighed, what I had eaten that day, and certain other details that amaze me! That shows me how obsessed I was with the ED, and how little else there was in my life because of it.
During recovery you may see changes in your weight as you stabilize your eating and learn all over again how to feed yourself properly. Yes, you may gain weight! But that's just the beginning. The work has just begun. The rest of the journey involves maintaining at the weight that your body and brain need to be, and then through therapy and taking steps to learn new ways to deal with life, you will begin to realize that life is better for you. For a while it's still all about weight, and it feels horrible, but please please hang in there, and continue to trust and be patient. YOU CAN DO THIS!! It's so worth it!
Sending you a HUG...Jan

4

thank you thank you thank you (times a million)

5

No problem dear....♥