Numbers Driving me crazy ED taking control

I was weighed. They made me get on the scale. My BMI is Average. I am average. Average = FAT.

Stupid nursing made me learn to use a scale. It showed I was short. And preceded onward to show I was fat. I am so upset. I want to cry/run ten miles/keep running/don't turn around/never look back/stop eating.

Nursing has a stupid horrible triggering system for how much you should weigh. I am no where small enough. As my sheet said today: weight: x (fat), height: x (short), Ideal weight: x (not even close), BMI: x (Average).

Reasoning is saying you had breakfast and lunch before you were weighed so its off from eating before hand (False, you are just a pig). Reasoning says that I have been working out more and walking more which makes muscle which is good weight (False, you are just fat, it is all fat). Reasoning is saying that I was wearing jeans and two shirts which is putting the scale off (FALSE, it probably weighed nearly nothing and you still weigh a million pounds). Reasoning is saying that you are pmsing which makes you gain a few pounds as well (False, you are just saying that to make yourself feel better).

It wont stop yelling at me! I hate being yelled at. I want to surrender. Alarms are going off in my head. I want to curl into a ball/scream/cry/call someone/rant/cry more/sleep/restrict/purge nothingness.

I am having a horrible day.

allee

Allee,

This sounds all to similar right now. Isn't it ridiculous how a stupid number can make or break our lives? I know average in our minds equals fat, but we have to rationalize that average equals healthy. And why don't we want to be healthy. I know you must feel hopeless right now, I am in almost the same situation, where all you want to do is everything that goes against what recovery is. No matter how much you want to lean on the eating disorder, however, the stronger you have to be. You are going to feel guilty, more guilty than you ever should be, but, the eating disorder CAN NOT win and control you.
What does "being thin" really get us in life? Attention? Sure, bad attention, where everyone looks at you like your a freak. But if you ask yourself this question and really think about it, the answer is "nothing really." Ultimately, it leads to death. Everything that you are doing to yourself is just destroying your body and making it so weak to the point of death.
You are not in this alone. We all need to be at a healthy weight, no one has an exception. I hope you choose the path of recovery and not give in to those voices. Stay strong and keep in the fight!!!! love you!

allee--im pretty darn sure with this post--that the numbers were at a great weight--i have a deep feeling ED is attacking you now. so , it is making you think this fat fat fat thoghts of your weight. it is wrong.

i want you to go back to sarahs post the other day--the one on the lies of the ED and re read it--as i will tonight.

sarah, you are not fat. you are lovely. dont let a dumb number ruin you!

this is the thing--i NEVER GET WEIGHED AT MY DOCS OFFICE!IT IS NOT WORTH THE PAIN AND LOSS OF RECEOVERY! I WILL NOT BE WEIGHT, HAVENT WEIGHED MYSELF IN AGES.

I WILL NOT LET A NUMBER KILL ME OFF OR RUIN RECOVERY, IT IS NOT REALLY ME. AND IM SURE YOUR NUMBERS ARE JUST GREAT AND AVERAGE --REMEMBER DOES NOT MEAN FAT. IT IS IN THE HEALTHY SECTION( THATS THE BEST!) THAT MEANS YOU CAN GIVE BIRTH, LIVE, RUN, JUMP, SKIP, HOP, DANCE, DO ANYTHING YOU WANT ! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HEALTHY--REMEMBER--IN YOUR REPLY(to sarash post) I REMEMBER YOU WANTED AND LOVED IT. BRING THOSE THOUGHTS BACK AND YOU WILL SEE...

here is another thing: i have a good amount of muscle on my body and fluid retention so ---muscle weighs more than fat as does fluid or food ingested, as does bone mass. weight isnt really weight! you know? it could be bone, fluid, muscle, or anything ...

it does not mean you are fat, and weight is not accurate at all in my eyes. it does not take in account for muscle , fluid, bone, anything like that--so you know what--i dont know my weight and i wont , and im happier for it! cause my weight number may be higher cuz of my bone mass / muscle but i know im healthy.

i hope you can feel better--i know, i had an awful awful weeeknd!

love
maureen

Here is what I wrote early last week-
What ED tells me every day:

-you are FAT/useless/unworthy/disgusting/made of fat
-you don't deserve food/love/that grade/water/coffee/anything
-you need to purge/starve/restrict/die to be beautiful
-if you binge you are a failure, if you don't binge you still are a failure
-your life is meaningless
-you don't deserve family/friends/boyfriend
-everything is your FAULT
-you are NEVER thin enough
-happiness=weight loss=skinny=beautiful

What I know is TRUTH

-NONE of what I said above
-I AM worth it
-I deserve LIFE
-I deserve to be HAPPY/LOVED/HEALTHY
-happiness= health=wellness=BEAUTIFUL!
-I am perfect the way I am
-Perfection is not real; Perfection is each individual
-Things happen, they are not always your fault
-My life is important to ME/my BOYFRIEND/my FRIENDS/my FAMILY- I am here for a reason
-starve/binge/purge/restrict will NEVER make me BEAUTIFUL- it will only make me sick.
-I am BEAUTIFUL

I know what I can add to this list today. I can add that ED lies that Average = fat! Average = healthy, beautiful, the true me, my healthy weight, life, happiness (even if I don't see it yet, i will one day again). I MUST remember that NUMBERS DO NOT MATTER! Numbers DON'T define me. I am not a number. My name is Allee, I am a nursing student, I love to read everything, I love karate, I love to sing, I cant dance at all, I have hazel eyes and light brown hair, I am short (good things come in short packages), I have a wonderful amazing boyfriend that loves me for who I am (not a stupid number on the scale), and I AM BEAUTIFUL just the way I am.

Thank you Maureen and Kimberly for letting me see this today after being at such a bad point today :)

allee

your welcome allee, very much, i know how it is which is why --i specifically ask the nurse before hand to blind weigh me--and today, ha i got this funny look like--why dont you want to know? but i didnt care --so what she doesnt understand? i do.

im so happy you added that to your list. do you know i think sarahs post got deleted? not sure, i might not be able to find it but i wanted to print out mine and i think it is lost..sigh..oh well ill start another list--but i liked that one...sigh..

im glad you kept yours allee! and im glad you added to it instead of listening to ED! this is awesome ! really!

im so happy for you.

good job..

love
maureen

Actually it is still up! I just got it from there. Its called help me! Its definitely still there though.

Yeah I will ask next time to be blind weighed. I am still a little eh today from the whole experience but I have still eaten today. I am trying to get up my calories because they are low though but my stomach cant take that much in all at night! So my numbers are just going to be low. Its okay- tomorrow marks a new day and I will start over and try again :)

allee

You're right; I hate the way that numbers control our lives. And you're right; it's all ED lies. *Sigh*. I was struggling with this one, too, yesterday, and I know I will be having a hard time with it again on Friday when I get weighed. But kudos to you for starting to pull yourself out of it--you're an inspiration!

Allee,

I'm glad to hear you found some positives in your day.
I hope things are going better now :)

Paige xoxo