Just sharing...visit #2...but since there is no talking about such subjects as depression with my husband..just get fixed!....I am so anxious to TALK. Don't think my husband has any idea how much getting fixed will impact him. He has been invited (actually I had begged a few months ago) but thinks "I have a problem"...true...but ....
I took a baby step a few weeks ago and asked him to move out of the bedroom...finally last night he took to other quarters in the house~! We have been just roomies for years. What I want now is no more meanness and see if we can be friends here. It is going to work out...I know it.
I'm not expecting miracles...but I know now I cannot do this on my own and look forward to suggestions that give me some power over my life. I want ME back....and I am responsible for that!! I want my backbone back~~I want all the rights and respect I gave away back~!
I'll be back this evening..I am on CST...you all take care..
I will be checking on everyone tonight...you are all such an inspiration to me....so glad I "stumbled" upon this site.
I have trouble trying to get my husband to go with me to therapy (he did it once) or go to BPD family support groups. I think he understands that it would be easier for him if he understood my condition more but he HATES psychiatrists and therapist after an issue while he was in the Navy. I have explained that the support groups are just other people like him dealling with people like me. I thought he might go after my last hospital stay when one of the doctors strongly suggested it to him and gave him the information. All we can do is try and not get upset if they don't go.
You are so right in what you said in your last sentence. For sure…it would be good for you if he would go. It would be great for you if he really had greater understanding.
Don’t sell yourself short by saying the group is for “people like him dealing with people like me”~! He has the issue with mental health professionals…especially if a doctor suggested he go and he didn’t. I used to say, and believe, I am just a person with epilepsy…I am still a person. You and your husband are the same kinds of persons…just different issues. Have you tried sharing this with your therapist…and possibly he/she can give you tools to accept the fact that hubby is not going to change and let it go?
It is so important that we become a bit more selfish about loving ourselves…I am working hard at it. Take good care of you~! you are so worth it~!
I'm back...!! The session was great..my legs were a bit rubbery when I walked in because I was a combination of excited and anxious...there was so much I wanted to share..some I felt good about and some I was sad about. He is really a great listener and very expressive. He doesn't just say what he thinks I want to hear but helps me find ways to build a healthier life for myself...ways to express myself to my husband-to express my thoughts because I am worth being heard-but know some things are not going to change--I can only change me-..ways to relieve stress by not becoming part of the problems that exist.. My sessions are two hours..at my request. You can probably tell by the way I post..that in one hour I would be just starting to roll. Control of the session is swapped back and forth between the two of us.. he is in control all the time probably~! No doubt.
I appreciate the comments of both of you, jai and krazy..I don't like calling anyone "krazy"~! I may have to call you 2001. My husband will have nothing to do with any kind of counseling or therapy...he just says.."I'm sick of this ****".."I'm not going through this any more"..he won't be touched by "my problem." My biggest problem is him..and the way I have handled myself over these years. Brace yourselves...we married and divorced twice after 18 months each time and married again in 2003. The first time was love for both of us..but we both had a luggage cart of baggage...after a bit over a year "he didn't feel the same." I was devastated..but not depressed. The second time, about 7 years later..I had become engaged to someone else..he pursued me..and I was back in a heartbeat. When I reflect..I feel I was in love..but I am not so sure he was. He had purchased a foreclosure..and I had the money he needed. Things went south while married and that was my first bout of depression..I was 52. I was hospitalized .. treated..thought things were fine...the remodeling of the home continued and the day after the carpet went down..he told me he wanted "to move on with his life.." I was hurt but I was also angry..he told me he was going to sell the home that we were in and my name wasn't on it. I fought him and got the house..could have gotten other property .. plus pension etc...but I just wanted the home. It was '93 by the time it was settled.
In 1998 I fell down a flight of stairs and suffered a brain injury..I had to learn to read..count money..and never worked again (I was credit manager for an international company). He worked in a steel mill but was not a saver at all. In 1999 he said..why don't you come and live with me..I can take care of you, own bedroom, own bath..I had lost my short term memory....so I did. I KNOW~! By then he had bought 13 acres of land and had construction underway for his dream retirement home in the country. The home was finished in 2001..and we moved to the new house. Again.. I kept putting $$ into the project...no one twisted my arm.. that is what I mean when I talk of my behavior..we lived together but when his retirement time came along..he wanted to get married again..and again..I voluntarily said yes.. The warmth left after a few years..I got depressed again..no meds..just therapy...but it just got colder and lonelier. Fast forward to 2010...by now..I have spent $120,000...have no money in my name and have not taken any steps to be an equal partner in this very lopsided relationship. We started a business with another couple..I really had no say..but am a 25% partner. That has increased the stress..because he sees it as HIS...it is fine if I do physical or computer work or marketing...but just "zip it" when it comes to input.
So..do you see a pattern here? I do..this depression settled hard and heavy in the fall because I realized there was not only no love..no respect..no caring. Fortunately my doctor, MD, also treats my husband and when I went to him crying in the pits...he said..you've got to make decisions..you have been crying to me for 10 years..and said there is no sense in my talking to him..he is not going to get it... hence the meds and the therapist. So I am trying to develop a backbone..and work something out where I hope we can inhabit this house (way too big) as roommates...just live together but separate. We have been living that way for sometime...but I know I was still looking for the caring..it is not there. Hopefully with no demands and expectations emotionally..we can be friends. I am 70 and he is 67...he does not want a divorce because he would be creamed financially. I don't want a divorce..but I want to untie myself emotionally. I have grandchildren, a little camper I can drive to visit them, I quilt, paint and have good friends. In June of 2009 I had a major cancer surgery...I get checked every 3 months and am doing fine.
Wow..you have a very long biography...not complete. Typing this has been like another therapy session. I'm determined to get my life back..and already I can see that by making changes in my behavior...he is uncomfortable..even if he does not want to be a husband...hopefully he will become a good roommate who carries his fair share of the load.
Like I say...A work-in-progress...I thank heaven for this site..~! Is this the longest post on record...?
I am glad that your session went well. I quilt also. I find it helps me relax and deal with things in my mind.
The reason I go by Krazy is that in school people called me crazy just because I refused to do things because they were the norm or the 'in' thing to do. I use a K because my maiden name starts with a K and also we used to spell cat with a K around our dog so that when we used a C she didn't know what we were spelling and would not get all hyper. (yes just like kids a dog will pick up on things when you spell them after a while)
Ok…Krazy…you have earned that name and for all the right reasons…and what a smart dog~! I have 2 10 year old black cats…one long hair and one short, Buckwheat and Andy…Andy is a real communicator…he lets me live here~!
I knew there would be a quilter here~! It is relaxing and fun to get the colors and patterns together…once my life is on an even keel I think I shall get treatment because of my Fabriholic condition~!
I think today is going to be a really good day~! I might try some spelling around my cats??
You take good care…and have a “be good to yourself day”.
Must be honest…here…I put my quilt tops together…but only hand quilt pillows…the rest I have machine done…Whew…got that off my chest too~! Whew~!
You've come a long way it such a short time frame, keep up the great work & dont let hubby play the TARGET PATIENT card, keep going & assist others here with your experiences.
April…thanks so much for your input. Sometimes I feel like I am making mega progress…and then sometimes not. I think the biggest thing I have learned this time (though I have to OWN it) is that I can only change me…I can make life better for me.
I will say that asking hubby to take quarters upstairs…took him a few weeks to do it…had a rippling positive result. First, anger…then resentment…then I could see fear… and today…wow…he thinks HE had a great idea. Hey I don’t care, the end result is what counts. There was a time when something other than the result would have counted…but no more. I know he does not love me anymore…and you know what? I am at a point where I don’t really like who he is. So… happy- at least happier-roommates is my goal. There will be other changes…but a day at a time!
I do all of my quilts (mostly baby quilts 100% buy hand and feel that for me using a machine would be cheating but I understand why other people do it that way.
hey wip, i am so glad you found a counselor who really seems to care, understand and as well know what he's doing!
i am sorry for the tough times you had to endure in life but in a way it seems to have formed an absolutely amazing woman, one that surely never gives up! what an inspiration! :-)
i think you're so right, no matter what comes out of your arrangements or whatever your husband may think or feel, this is the time (better late than never!) to put yourself first and to simply push for what's best for you! you deserve it!
Thanks Maedi....so much. Some of us take longer to learn than others. Well, I guess it took us quite awhile to own the feelings of being inadequate...so I am beginning to feel somewhat powerful now....with a great therapist to guide and share with.
After asking my husband to move upstairs...there was resistance..but now he is thinking HE had a good idea and is turning it into his man cave. That's fine. He was actually able to talk to me in civil tones yesterday (not about anything heavy..but that's OK...I believe I am through using him as a barometer). He could be a bit nicer because he is now physically as well as mentally separated so the threat of joint decisions etc. is gone for him. I know shortly he will be out buying this and that... That's great..I am making the downstairs into my corner of the world~!
Plus..I told him I probably would not need therapy if he would talk to me so when I went Tuesday I asked him for a blank check. I will spare you his response...but he gave me the check. Our funds (now that my reserve is gone) have not been joint for some time. I still contribute to the house +....but now he is going to have to start contributing to me. I really don't want a divorce...but he REALLY would not want one for financial reasons.
But..I digress...thanks for all you do..not just for me but for everyone here. At 70..after hitting the pits in October I did question how I wanted to spend the rest of my life.
So glad it all went well. "I know the rubbery legs" side of things it's quite awful :( I felt like that after my appt yesterday with the Psychiatrists.
I'm so glad things are getting there for you. Good on you for standing your ground. I hope your downstairs pad works out for you :)
Thanks Jai…
Yeah~! The old rubber legs syndrome…sometimes going into the visit (Wow…so much to say…I did this & this & this…what do you think?) OR on the way out (Wow…lots of information…steps to take…maybe uncomfortable subjects). I guess it is a small price to pay for progress~!! When the legs get weak…I know something is going on inside me…I try to figure it out. Tough sometimes to be honest with ourselves…sometimes we just can’t do it without a nudge. I had to go through some tough places to acknowledge to myself that my husband didn’t, couldn’t and wouldn’t care in what I call a caring way.
His reactions enable me to stand my ground - I know if he is uncomfortable…chances are he feels threatened and maybe guilty. But …it doesn’t matter as long as the changes make me feel good. Gotta get more steel in my backbone…but I feel pretty sure I will. At every step I am pulling my fist down and saying “YES~!!!”
Downstairs/upstairs is the key here at the moment… separate physically and mentally is what is allowing him to be civil now…doesn’t have to consider me a partner in any way…it is sort of like I just put a want ad in the paper for a roommate. He still doesn’t have a clue as to what his “rent” will be yet… I am not sure of the charges!
Blah,blah that’s me, but all this talking is a bigger help than you know and I thank you
…XX back at you, Marilyn
Maedi, Maedi, …who is always reaching out to so many…you’re great.
My zone,kingdom,woman-cave…#1 get rid of his bed~! Done reluctantly…but done…we have been in twin beds for about 5 years. #2 Move the furniture around…make it like a studio apartment. #3 Put my laptop in there plus a television off the porch…and a DVD player never used from the porch…how about it~! #4 I used to paint quite a bit…oils and acrylics so I put an old table in there with jars with my brushes etc. right by the big window…added an old vegetable bin with three compartments…painting stuff. #5 got an old magazine holder for my canvases etc. just need my easel now. Doesn’t even matter if I paint now.
I am lovin’ it~!~! Know what…he is turning the upstairs into his zone…even took a lot of stuff of the walls “he never liked-for ten years”…whatever. By now he is convinced this was a great idea he had…I can live with that.
PLUS…Closing the door sometime…wow…aren’t I the tough broad~!!! I have to watch getting euphoric or I will get cocky. Don’t want to do that…but I sure am happier~!
Thanks for your contact and input…
lv & prayers, Marilyn --still a work-in-progress…but the train is moving down the track~!
Marilyn, my so called husband & I have lived on the opposite sides of the house for the past 6yrs. due to it being cost effective (we're married 19yrs.) so I can relate to how your feeling about the situation as it can be very isolating at times especially when seeking encouragement/support to assist in staying motivated in future goals & from what you describe your doing a **** good job it.
Thanks for your encouragement~! You can relate for sure..I am trying to do a good job...for me...separate quarters looks like it will be a good move. Yes, I have felt isolated for so long... it hurt because I kept hoping for something different.
This seems to be working..I have lots more work to do to be able to weather the storm..when the novelty wears off for him or he just gets ticked about something. I am working hard at it for sure...got to establish other interests..with friends..at church..charity...whatever..anything so I don't depend on him for my happiness...got to make it~! My grandchildren live in Canada...I in the Midwest...have one son not too far away...I will be seeing him tomorrow.
Thanks for your support....and you take care of yourself too.
Sounds like you are making a good start at making your home an enjoyable place for you. It is important to have a place where you can comfortably do things you want to do.
How do I make a relationship start over so that he is just my husband, not a soulmate or friend or anything else? I don't like him so much anymore, and I don't want to be emotionally close with him. It is dangerous to my mental health to do so. I want to keep my respect for him in his position in the family, and be a good wife. Your post seems to lean in the direction I feel I should turn in my life, so I am throwing it out there.
It has been a rough ten years for me. When I read your post it lifted me because I could relate so well to your thoughts. Pushing 50 w/20 yrs married. Stayed home with my one child from birth to present. Trying to get work. I had a responsible job, but being a mom was too much because my employer couldn't tolerate all the infant appointments. So I quit and stayed home.
Isolation is my enemy. No friends to talk with. Found a therapist that caught the isolation, but the work to end it has worn me down. I keep trying to remember who I am. Some days I can't feel or turn in the direction that lets me be myself. I understand "fix it." It can take a long time. I'm trying to burn my way thru this period, and the obsession with finding a friend or just someone to talk with finally ended. Something is wrong with my spirit or humanity or whatever if I need to work so hard to "make a friend." I must be sick. I hope to connect in friendship.
Yes, my husband has a boatload of friends. None of them interest me to any great extent, not even the couples. In 20 years we've gone on outings (eat out or whatever) a few of his friends as a couple, but I didn't fit in. Hair went white early, so they all think I'm an old lady.
It's okay with me that he remains such a social butterfly,afterall it's the goal my therapist said I had to strive for. It hurts that he allows his friends his respect and friendship. Says he has already put up with more from me than he would take from any of his friends, and that he'd have told them to beat it by now. No emotional abuse there, hey?
He says he can't talk to me about my depression because he is not a therapist. Well I can't, and won't, because he broke my heart when he shared my secrets wtih his sister. Said he would do what he wanted to keep his family together. He has a number of gossipy sisters, so now I'm paranoid because they all look at me funny when we meet up for holidays.
I understand he isn't comfortable being the person that I rely on for socializing. Socializing on my own is the excitement I feel when he comes home, the pleasure I get hearing about my child's day. This is what I wanted, a family, a home, warmth and food, safety. Although financially it's precarious, I have it in my hands right now. I just want to figure out how to enjoy it.
My heart aches because my husband keeps himself mentally and emotionally distant when there is an argument, or stress in the house over $ (like today) or whatever. Brings up the past, holds a grudge, reminds me that I'm depressed and therefore...unstable, out of control,"...gotta get control before he will talk to me." He never did, or won't, or can't recognize ticked-off.
An opportunity for an affair came my way during the summer,and I did not flirt or encourage it when I could have because it would hurt my husband. I want to be close mentally/spiritually with someone, and this person would have done fine. Just that as a grown woman there has never been anyone in my life that is just loving me or caring for me as I am. It doesn't feel good the next day when I've been with my husband because it all goes back to me knowing that he believes he doesn't really need to put much, if any emotional effort to be close during our time together because he can do that anytime, and I need to be "fixed" anyway.
I understand about having our own space in our homes. Therapists say this is good. I guess it helps us know ourselves when we are alone. I want my own space because along with looking for a friend, I'm tired of my husband's determination that I have PTSD, depression, anxiety, ocd...like I said, no emotional abuse going on in this house.
Okay, so my point is that although I love him, want him, need him in my life, I'm just tired of not being good enough. I don't want to be his friend anymore. In some respects I'm alone because I've thrown away our friendship. This is when we need to be strong, right?