Ok guys I need advice. The marriage is dead we both agree to that. We want to do what is best for the kids before we make a decision on divorce. I have spent the last couple hours researching what is best for the kids divorce, seperating, and staying together.
A lot of you have been right where I am. I would deeply appreciate advice, experiences, stories of people you know who went through this.
Everything I read and watch contradicts each other sometimes in the same article and video. The only thing they seem to agree on is no matter what I am going to screw up my kids. We gave ourselves a couple weeks to research and decide. She end I have to get this right. Please help
I can tell you what our plan was and what our reality was.
We decided to divorce in June. The plan was to remain together in the house until the divorce and I made the equalization payment. That would have been at least November/December. Within 2 weeks we came to agreement about the settlement. Almost no disagreements. He moved to the basement because he immediately got back on online dating sites. I didn't handle it great. At the end of June we had a blow out fight where I spewed incredible amounts of venom which eliminated the friendship. He started dating right away. While I thought I could handle this, I didn't expect that he would 1) not come home some nights and leave me to explain it to the kids and 2) plan to take the kids on a trip with one of his girlfriends. I installed cameras at the house so he wouldn't bring women to my home when I wasn't home. In August we had a fight which resulted in me asking him to move out. He refused so I called his parents and asked them to help him move out. During that call I revealed most everything about their son that I had learned. They helped and he was out by early October. We started 50-50 custody immediately. He had a small apartment so slept in the living room when he had the kids. Divorce was finalized Nov 3rd. Equalization payment was made by the end of December. He bought a condo and was finally in his "permanent" place which means the kids also had permanent bedrooms. Since then, we've been in our new normal.
@Leahzan I’ve not read your story before. The things he did are so wrong at every level. You handled it better than I would have; I’m glad his parents stepped up and helped you get him out of the house. He’s a jerk and will continue to be so.
John I've been divorced twice. The first time I had two kids; my son was older as he was graduating high school by the time it finally happened. Divorce has lasting negative effects on children especially if it isn't amicable, which it almost never is. The very best thing for children is for their parents to be together lovingly and peacefully. But every situation is different. To me life is too short to stay in a marriage neither one of you wants to be in. So the next best thing is to part as best you both can without bickering and fighting especially in front of the kids. At least pretend you are still friends or at least treat each other respectfully. Make decisions together for the good of the children, and don't use the kids as tools to punish the other person. This happens so much, and is so wrong. It causes years of emotional devastation for them and can backfire. Also, you should both remain in your children's lives; don't abandon them or not show up for visitation when you're suppose to. Continue to spend quality time with them. If you do these things, they will come through it with the least amount of emotional pain possible.
@andine
We are remaining in couples counseling and plan to use her as a guide, mediator, and information resource. We know we can’t do this on our own. Are counselor is very good. In two weeks we are in the best place we have been in years. With a common goal and purpose.