ok here goes... never done this before but jealousy is killing my relationship and a part of me really. I have low self asteem, i witnessed an awful amount of cheating growing up. My dad relentlessly cheated on my mum. I have never had trust issues until I met current boyfriend. He has lived a very luxurious and high life as a DJ in diff countries and come home and we got together. All was fine to begin with but he has been with a lot of women and talks a lot to women and tells them they are pretty in photograph and is very compliamentary. He also likes to admire other women. I wouldnt usually have a problem with this but he also tells me he doesnt like my dress sense, i'm not very sexy and i need to have more about me and a bit more of an attitude but in reality im just a big softy!! I shut up and put up to get through the week but as soon as i'm drunk I kick off and it all comes out. The dilema i am faced with is... can you ever get over jealousy? Or am I stuck with it? I want to get on with my life and be happy but I hate the way he is, is this controlling? I just want to be met half way but we cant agree. He's never been unfauthful to me, but he has in the past and told me about it. He is also very open and honest about sexual experiences and likes to reminice about them a lot and his party lifestyle in general. I feel inadequate and not good enough constantly and this isnt something I used to feel. Any advice or help would be so appreciated (sorry for such a long message!)
Hi there and welcome to SG. I don't think he is very respectful towards you. He's definitely not helping with your low self esteem. You deserve someone who will compliment you, and lift you up, not tear you down. I still have jealousy issues because of past relationships of them cheating on me. It's hard to get back to trusting after that, but everybody is different and not all people cheat or are they disrespectful. We have to begin with liking and loving ourselves, and feeling like we are good enough, and as good as anybody else. Hugs
@turbulence Thank you for your reply. I started off thinking that he didnt respect me and it caused so many arguments. I have even got physical because of it. But he explained to me that he is just trying to toughen me up a bit and let me see I need to be more liberated and love myself. He always tells me I am beautiful and I get lots of affection but it feels like one negative comment takes all the good stuff away out of my mind completely. I seem to just hold on to that and forget all the love I get. I just hear I dont like that you would suit that better or take fat jokes too seriously instead of laughing them off, because i’m not even fat. It just feels hopeless. We’ve had a huge row tonight because I cant handle being told I am hard work and selfish with trying to mould him into something he isnt. I should respect who he is and he has said to me i need to adapt to him because he is right in ways his way is better, he is more free than me. I want to be like that but I find it overwhelming. I dont know what to do because I know he’s right, doing it is another thing… thank you
Yeah, I understand that completely, that what we perceive as a put down can ruin any positive ones. For me it was drilled into my head as a child, I was worthless and would never amount to anything. Also abusive relationships along the way reinforced that, so I know where that comes from. It makes you withdraw from life and people, at least it did me. It's a hard road to get out of that mindset, but little by little you stick your toe in the water, and it's not so scary anymore.
@turbulence Do you still feel jealous now or do you feel you have overcome the worst of it in your life? My problem is I studied psychology for a year, maybe as a way to understand myself and my feelings, but I have experienced a lot of loss, which is why I think I feel the way I do. I have tried to overcome my loses (had a baby, my mum died, boyfriend left, dad gave up on me and moved on, lost my job and my confidence all in 6 months) I just cant seem to overcome my jealousy at all. I feel like I know too much so any therapists Ive been to tell me stuff I already know. Ive wasted so much money but I just cant seem to do it. I try a little and then completely ruin it. Its so frustrating…