Ok so six months ago I caugnht my husband cheating ...through counseling he said he had only had sex with one woman once and kissed another. I have not had peace about this and have been praying fervently for Him to show me what the real truth was. Two weeks ago he gave me a dream with a specific woman (whom I knew) in it having relations with my husband and so I decided to confront her. Well to make a long story short after confronting her and him then later - and pressing for full disclosure, I have now found out that my husband has had repeated sexual encounters with 5 different women!! And to make things worse- he didn't even have enough concern for my well being - he didn't use protection with any of them! Im destroyed... I was going to forgive and try to make our marriage work, he obviously has a sickness because he says Im the best thing that has ever happened to him and that he never has wanted more than what I give him that I couldn't be a better wife! IM SO CONFUSED... How I can still say I love him I don't know but Im scared to death. I went and had blood test done and praise God they all came back negative. What do I do? Ive never been on my own- never lived alone- I have made this house my home for 20 years! Could I EVER trust him again? The last 6 months were suppose to be a turn around - he was suppose to be telling me complete truths - but I asked him at least 8 times if there was anyone else and he kept saying NO ... I feel useless, worthless, and like I will never be good enough to receive the kind of love and honesty I want.
I experienced the same thing after my wife's affair. That gut feeling kept gnawing at me...from the beginning I kept saying the same thing...is there anything else? I would pray about it, would go over it a thousand times in my head, had horrible dreams too, she and I would try to convince myself it was just paranoia but things just didn't seem right. Sure enough one after another more truth came out...the stuff leaking out all really hurt but it was her lying in between as we tried to heal which really hurt and destroyed any trust we would rebuild through counselling, couples retreats, holidays etc....she would state over and over that she told me everything, there was nothing else to tell, even telling me intimately she would never hurt me like that again (which she did)...eventually I saw myself as the problem for putting up with the lies and finally had to separate from her for my future self. I feel sorry for them in a way and wonder if they just can't be completely truthful with themselves and have just lied and hid things for so long it is impossible for them to be their real selves and be honest and truthful with others. All I can say is take some serious time now...you gave him a chance and he blew it...you have been traumatized in a major way again...it is about your health and well being now...be wise and kind with yourself.
Mountainclimber did you and your wife ever work things out? I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel to ever believe a word that comes out of his mouth. At some point my self asteem I think has gotten me to a place where maybe I somehow feel it was my fault or I deserved it.... I dont know all I know is I hate this place and need guidance on how to get out of where i am at this moment.
@broken1970 this none of this is your fault nor did you deserve any of it. Please be kind to yourself. I suggest individual therapy for you both. Try journalling and writing here to clear your head. Sg also have a self esteem group that you might find helpful. I have some confidence building stuff if you would like. Its going to be ok, you arent alone.
My wife flat out lied to me when she got caught having an affair of 4 months last year. I specifically asked if there were others, 3 months passed we had gotten over that wall and seemed to be getting on with our lives and making it better. Till BOOOM affair #2 well really #1( 4 years earlier) came up. How could these cheaters look us in the face even when they have been caught and not be totally honest with us? This is all beyond me, I totally hear you she said the same line to me I LOVE YOU AND no other. Every time I hear the word LOVE YOU it feels like someone is taking a piece of my heart out all over again.
My heart goes out to you.
So tonight he tells me HE is done... He is not taking pics or keeping me informed of where he is.. he said he isn't going to any counselor or psycologist because they won't help anything, and he said he is not changing his career because he enjoys the freedom of being self employed... I said so you are basically saying you don't want to make this work... he said no Im just tired of you being all over me and having to know everything! I want to puke right now and run away... Why am I so **** willing to make this work and HE isn't He says he loves me... I feel like this is the end and Im so lost and don't know where to go or what to do!
@broken1970 You do know what to do, take care of yourself since he isn’t man enough to take care of you. You can do this. Do you have family or friends for support or a place to go if he won’t leave?
no noone local where I could continue to keep and go to my job which I desperately need to try to keep
@broken1970 well since he is done, then you go about your business and stay strong. Do you want to keep trying or are you done if he isn’t up for being ok with you needing so much reassurance?
I feel like I shouldn't be the one doing all the work here... He needs to fix HIM He cannot even say why he did things except that he did it because he wanted to..... I cannot move forward until he figures out the real reason WHY and fixes it so that it doesn't happen again... He doesn't want to be accountable for anything
Yes you are exactly right. Tell him that for you to be able to work on the marriage, he needs to show you his work first. And in the meantime, you get yourself mentally together. Set some standards and don't settle for anything less.