On seeking motives and a heart broken open

when i am seeking, in search of something, am moving toward a specific goal...i end up with tunnel vision- missing everything on the way. i am uneasy about admitting to being so extreme with.. well.. almost everything. all or nothing. i'm uneasy b/c balance is so sacred...and i am anything BUT!
this weekend, as i gasped for air outside the brimstone of hell, i heard myself trying to talk myself down. i didn't do i purposely. and i had to listen VERY carefully and intently in order to understand what was happening. i wasn't even *trying*.
when the depths of hell called for me yet again, i kept very still... doing nothing. again, not *trying*
and yet again, when my foot was grabbed as i was pulled into hell by the fangs of the three-headed dog, i went into fake-it mode... not robotically, not to make myself do something i needed to do... but i faked it FOR ME. i asked myself to please go through the social motions so i won't either zombie-mom my way through the evening or CRASH and wish for a coma. i actually tried to make a conscious effort to really TALK to myself. and? i put on my fucking happy face, and before you know it the motive for faking it made all the difference- the motive of finally deciding it's okay to include what I WANT also.
how this has happened, i haven't any idea. what i DO know is that my therapist has mentioned several times that she'd like to see me weekly... i find every excuse NOT to agree. and then, something cryptic happened. when i was berating myself for not moving forward for my kids, my loved ones, my family..... i finally took a little action, stood up against my fucking berating, and asked that i move forward for ME. as my heart was broken open, i was able to see that weekly therapy is a GIFT TO ME, a gift that must not turn away.
thank you for walking with me through my tangled mess.
namaste, my sisterhood...
xoxo

I'm glad you took that step Stonemala, the biggest step in showing your strong is to know that you can't always do things alone.
Wearing masks are never fun.
Keep posting

Paige xoxo

Amy,

So glad I read this tonight. :) I know this journey is so incredibly hard. I am grinning from ear to ear. I'm so happy for you! :) You are really walking through the fire.

Love you!

Jen

Amy...whether you can SEE it or not, you are moving, and you are becoming able to do some very important things regarding the way you handle things and think.
Love you friend....you are an inspiration...I hope you can see that [no eye rolling]...Jan ♥

paige, jen, and jan- my sweet sisters...
thank you for such kind words.
as led zeppelin sang about their crazy dream, *the song remains the same*. my song, too, remains the same.
this is a far more TIME-INTENSIVE process than i could have ever imagined. and it's SUCH a bumpy ride.
i can recognize that these past few weekends i was able to think a little differently and that i have handled a few things differently. but for the most part, my song remains the same.
impatient am i.
inconsistent am i.
holding on to hope am i.
xoxo

I am late in responding (as always it seems these days) but I am so happy to see you growing and moving towards the happiness you so deserve. Boy do I know how hard and time consuming it is. I myself have been slipping a bit because I have let my work just overwhelm the rest of my life. Hoping to get back on track before I do too much damage
As always, you inspire me Amy!