While wandering around the city Tuesday checking out a few Christmas items, and trying on some clothes I came to one very certain conclusion that my self esteem is very low...and I no longer had the "if you just lose x amount, you'll be happy" to cling on to...no magic size - just me.
It's scary to realise that you have this low self esteem, that you can actually feel this sadness in your eyes, you know others can see it when they look at you because you can't hide it and realise it's not about how I look, there is nothing to blame, or quick fix to run to at the moment.
Granted I do not have the perfect figure, I have bits that are grand and bits that are not, but all and all I'm ok and i know that losing a lb won't fix this sadness. it's kinda like looking into open space, it's more terrifying because there seems to be nothing.
Has others felt like this? Have they found their happiness at the end of this or do I just keep staring into nothing for a while? It's a scary feeling...
hey moongal, i can completely relate.
i wonder how i can ever accept myself the way i am, i wonder how i can ever give up that ideal that i strive for. everytime i have to talk about how i see myself i start to cry uncontrollably cause i hate myself so much. and i can't imagine it ever being any different... it makes me sad...
i have looked into the mirror before and have seen a person that is not who i see normally. she is not me, well the one i know. she is pretty and looks good. i 'know' i am ugly and do not look good at all. but when i see that girl, i want to be her. because i don't think i will ever be her, i have grown to hate that image when i see it in the mirror.
i want to love her and be her. i know she is there when she looks back at me. i don't think i can ever have that image so i hate myself for it. i just have to learn that i am her and that if i really look, i see her every time even if i am not allowed to see her because of ED.
Hey Guys,
Ya tis really scary it's not like I'm even looking at the physical me cos somedays, like everybody in the whole world I'd say, I think hey you're grand and then others it's a really really bad hair day.
But this is like I've come to realise no matter how many lbs i shed, or binges I go on. I feel really sad inside, I'm not eating to cover the sadness, but I still would like this feeling to pass...it doesn't sit right.
MG you raise a good point....I dont think I could reach a weight low enough that would make me happy with what I see in the mirror...I just dont think i would ever be satisfied and would still always be sad.
Hey guys,
I've realised for me, weight kinda had this hold on me, instead of using the word "happy" I should have been saying I'll find myself acceptable and others will find me acceptable too...so basically it is acceptance and love I am looking for. From the outside you would easily say I am loved, but I have this desperate belief that I am not it really is shocking...and it's more about getting to the bottom of that then anymore ridic dieting and falling furthur into the vicious cycle of binging and feeling bad.
Because binging and feeling ashamed allowed me to justify my feelings of why people would not love and why I did not deserve this love. I am slowly coming around and have started to believe my parents do love me...so that is a step in the right direction the rest I really need to work on.
that is great that you are starting to see the root behind ED. All of us have a reason why we chose to let ED in our life. finding that center point and resolving it will give us one step closer to riding ourselves of ED permanently. Good job hun.
Oh I relate too, so very very much. I feel like I'm having an out of body experience most of the time, especially when I'm out and about. I feel everyone is looking and judging and I just have to adopt tunnel vision to get by. I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I used to be huge. I lost a lot of weight in an attempt to make me happy and give me a future. I'm still not happy with my body but can't lose any more and don't want to. So yeah - knowing that losing a couple more pounds compared to the many stones I lost before is not going to fix me. I don't know what can. I can't see any good points about me any more and yes I do feel the sadness in my eyes. I have felt it for a long time but never heard anyone else say they feel it too. It is a real feeling, isn't it? I used to be silly and happy and fun but thats just not me anymore and I don't know how to get it back. I don't know who I am anymore.
it's very painful and sad to feel you have lost yourself. i can hardly remember the carefree and fun times in my life all i can see now is pain, anger and hate when looking in the mirror. what and who did i become since being a happy little girl? i don't know anymore what's me and what's the act of me. if we can't find the old us, can we create a new one? would we be happy then? why can't we just be? ...