Once again

not really sure how to start this off but guess i will just be blunt about it.
(careful my be a trigger to some)

Im not sure what to do any more. I feel like i want to cry or sleep....feel like sitting in a dark room letting time just go by in hopes it will get better. But knowing deep down it wont.
Ive messed up again and started hurting my self once more. I thought i was doing well, 11 years cutting my self, almost a year without... struggling through each day. Though i stopped for a little wile i could still feel the blood burning through my vains. And a pain i can't even describe or pin point. Now i feel it 10 fold and can't handle it any more.
There really isn't anyone i can turn to any more. People just end up looking down upon me like im not even from this world or don't see me at all. I had started after an incident happened when i was 13. First it was just little marks digging my nails into my skin. Then it got worse and worse.... till the point it had become an addiction. Though working for a short time it made me forget and for a few minutes i felt no other pain but the one i had caused. At one point i did seek out help but that ended up making things worse putting me on different meds one after the other higher an higher dosages till it got so bad i really couldn't take it any more.
My boyfriend did help me for a little wile.... but once he started getting really angry if i did slip up he no longer helped with it. Having someone yell at you is not the right way to go about trying to help them. Only thing it accomplishes is making it worse.
My desire to live got less and less with each passing day. And i distanced my self from everyone afraid of what they would say if they found out. And once my mother passed away.... i now feel more lost then i was before. Though she didn't know what i do to my self and would never had wanted her to.....she did help me. She was always there no matter what.
Its now been a little over 8 months since she passed away. Died from cervical cancer.... and one of the most hardest things in the world was watching my mother the only one who understood me little by little fade away. Going through each chemo treatment right by her side trying to make her feel better. Seeing the pain she went through hurt me so much..... but i should probably stop babbling i know it dose no use to but make me cry. And i have cried enough tears to last me a life time. Im sorry for the nonsense but i thank you for at least hearing me out.

HI Dahlia, so sorry babe you have no need to say sorry and its not nonsense and your not babbling somehow little lady I think you need to talk with someone you have so much hurt in there and its hurting you so much ..Am sorry for your loss your mum sounds like a lovely person, am also sure you have a lot of your mum within you... Not sure what happend when you where 13 but it seem thats where your problem starts from.. ?? for you// have you ever talked about what happend at 13 am thinking that you have never spoke of it and its this that makes you feel bad .. You can correct me if am wrong there... Sometimes the hardest thing for us to do it to talk and let go .Whatever it was that happened am sure you can find a answer one that may help you.. Have you a surport group you could attened one face to face with people that will understand you and help. Even talking to a counselor having someone just to hear you may help,I do understand how you feel watching mum just fade all that she was and stood for the words you never got around to saying the hurt the loss, but remeber your mum as she was what she stood for how she brought you up. Now is not the the time to throw you life away hiding in the darkness she would expect more from you.Dont give up seek help ask questions your not alone. Help is there if you will but ask

I thank you for the kind words, they mean more then you know.

Well tis been sometime was just hoping you would swing by and let us know how you are. Hope your ok take care ....