One leads to another?

Addiction & Recovery Sex & Pornography Addiction
1

Hi,

my first time here, first time posting. i don't know where to start it all seems so over whelming to me. i have a void in me, a space i am trying to fill left from abuse as a child and neglect from my father. My father didn't abuse me but the lack of a relationship with him led me into an unsafe place looking for attention and now, 15 years later here i am, trying to understand my life and how i became this way. i go to therapy, but its not that helpful when you know the therapist hasn't experienced anything like you have before. How do they relate? how is even possible to feel what i am feeling.

i don't know what else to do, thanks for listening.

2

there is so much i want to say. i feel like this cold weather in the northeast, keeping me inside for this long winter is making things harder. i sneak away from my GF who i love to look at porn, when she goes to the shower in the am i git the computer... partly i feel like i don't get enough from her, i have this need to please, i love to please... she just isn't as into the sex part of the relationship as i am. i love her for her, but i feel like i need more of a sexual connection and i am worried its not normal and that if i filled this void i would be able to enjoy our relationship so much more instead of praying that we have sex everyday. we don't im only 29, i feel like its normal to want it daliy. i want someone that wants me, craves me as i crave them... but maybe thats because i am sick... maybe i am... i don't know

3

Hi Empty Space,

I see you posted over a week ago, but I wanted to write you about what you are going through. I can relate to sexual abuse and its effects years after it actually occurred. I can even relate to your feelings about sex within your relationship.
I am obviously not a professional, but as my feelings about myself I believe I feel compelled for sex very often is because I do feel a void like you spoke of. I also feel insignificant to my boyfriend if I don't sleep with him regularly and do what he likes the most even when I don't particularly enjoy it.
Do you feel the need for sex everyday because you feel you lack more deep connections with your girlfriend? And do you feel like if you aren't having sex with her then she will not want to be with you? I know I am a female, but I share similar feelings and the questions I asked are ones I ask myself regularly. I hope we can help on here because you don't deserve to feel empty and trying to fill a void. The abuse you went through was very unfair to you and you deserve only the best life. Look within yourself and turn to activities you enjoy and friends to find joy within your life. Keep posting and hopefully we can help!

4

Ashley,

thank you. It's really hard. My Girl and i had a deep conversation about it the other night. I just want to know whats normal! but there in lies the problem doesn't it? whats normal, is anything normal? or is normal just "average" the average couple has X amount of sex a week... i don't know. I think in part i want to please other people because i was neglected as a child. Part of me feels like its not that, thats its just for the pleasure. I don't know. i literally crave her... if she gets out of the shower i want it, if shes in something skimpy i want it. Not just sex, i would be happy pleasuring her and just doing that, i guess i want her to want it as much as me. She said she never thinks to herself " i really want him right now" that hurt. i don't know why. I think i need to change relationships and find someone one who is more interested in having a strong physical presence in the relationship along with strong emotional. right now i only have half. Truth is, i don't need it everyday but i do need it in a way in which the other person makes me feel special by wanting it. i think my abuse has led me to this feeling of needing someone else's longing. so right now i don't know if i should try to be on my own and look for someone that fits what i currently am or try and change who i now am to fit someone else... Ashley, thanks for listening.

to speak to your post. I take no pleasure in having a girl do something she doesn't want to due, sounds like you might be doing that more than you want. I think maybe for us both we need to find someone who we fit with better. its easy to stay in a relationship, the hard part is leaving.

5

You made a very good point! Staying in a relationship is easier than leaving it. For me my relationship is new and I am always self sabotaging myself so basically in therapy I am trying to work that part out about me before I decide whether or not to stay or go.

I understand and can relate to you feeling neglected as a child and wanting to please other people. However, the most important person to please right now is yourself. You cannot be fully happy with someone when you aren't happy with yourself. I don't want to give suggestions because I don't know your situation fully, but maybe it would be worth speaking to your girlfriend about potentially taking a break to see how you feel without her, plus it would give you an opportunity to decide whether you want more than just a physical relationship.

As for 'normal' there is no such thing, but from people I've talked to and heard from surveys and such the average couple has sex 1-2 times a week. Most men would be happy with 3 times a week. You actually sound quite similar to my boyfriend as in he 'craves' me any and all the time. I am not always in the mood and tell him that. Maybe, instead of taking her comment about her not wanting you at that moment never entering her mind as a negative comment maybe look at it as a challenge? Find what arouses her and gets her going. Sex is mostly emotional for us and getting us turned on by the mushy, gushy, romantic stuff might respark a flame within her to make her more drawn to your physical connectedness.

None the less, you have to do what feels right in your heart and always know you have people here and friends to talk out your feelings and help you decide what is best for your life to be the happiest it can be.

6

Respectfully, both of you sound normal. Empty space you want to feel desired. Ashley jones you are giving empty space some options he may have not seen before with his girlfriend.

My concern is empty space acknoledges sexual abuse as a child and has not been treated for it. Obviously if empty space needs to bring it up or talk about it on this forum he is looking for answers.

Empty Space your girlfriend can not treat your problem and neither can Ashley Jones. You need to see a professional in regard to your issue. This may be sabotaging all of your relationships.

7

mom1st,

You are exactly right. I totally agree with you about seeing a professional and I can say it will be incredibly challenging. I am dealing with old sexual abuse in therapy right now and that among other things in my life have caused this emptiness inside of my soul. Therapy is definitely testing that, but I can't keep going feeling alone either. I don't have all the answers, I was just trying to show support to empty space and showing they are not alone and have someone who can relate to the same feelings. Seeing a professional has to be on your own when you are ready. Otherwise, the likelihood of addressing the issue and getting it resolved will be much more of a challenge.

8

Hello empty space,
my posting here is quite a long time after yours, but just got to it now.

I want to say that, after reading your post, what i understand from it is that your feelings about sexual needs/lust (the emotional and physical) are exactly the same as mine, and I am also in the same situation with my wife, i feel she cannot have this lust for me as i do for her, even when we do have sex. I sometimes feel i am a sex addicted (tryed the short test and its result is tending to pointing out for not being one, but not for certain)
I also feel i have some empty space to fill, i had been sexual abused, grew up without my father and don't like my mother.

I too, wonder if my urge for this type of need is normal or not, this can affect our life entirely, i am worried it has already started to ruin my relations with my wife (we are together for more than 8 years) because my mind, or myself, am not sure why, is looking for other places to fill this need, sometimes fantasizing about other women and wonder how it would be with them, but till now, i am not sure.

i've been living like this for many years now, like a blind to this problem, only recently i decided i should live a better life and so does my wife, so now, we are trying to work things out, getting couples counseling (just started).

I've been through a lot in my life (sex abuse, grew up without father, fights with my mother and i am angry about her and not talkign to her, got very close to death in a terror attack, and maybe i missing something) and not sure what, out of all these events, is really contributing/responsible to this need (i need her to want me as hard as i want her), or, if this need is normal or not.

anyone can give some ideas or oppinions?

thanks