One more push

Just give me one more push just waiting for someone to give me that one more reason......Im so f-ing done with everyone today so far gone..over the edge. Im tired of all this crap people give me. So many things i could say in my head so many things i could do to stick up for my self and just say NO!!! "NO, I DONT WANT TO... LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" But instead my voice becomes quiet, my eyes gaze down and all that comes out in the end is.... "alright". DAM IT
I have come to terms with all i will ever be and all im good at is disappointing others. I dont want to do it because im no good at it or its not me. And as many times as i can tell them this it always turns out the same. I know my life is messed up i know its not the way everyone else wants it or even the way i want it but its never going to be if people keep pushing me. I understand they are looking out for me i understand they are just trying to help.... but all they are helping me with is putting more stress in my life making me feel sick all the time and making me take that step that leads to my death. Im trying my hardest to stay alive trying my best to keep from hurting my self. But everyone makes it that much harder. For once i want someone to not tell me what to do not think they know whats best...... and what they dont know is that its just going to be the end of me. Im trying to hold on mom i know i made a promise and im trying to keep it. But what am i to do when everyone in my life makes me want to go hide. When all i want to do is pack a bag and just leave.... leave everything behind. just keep driving, And not tell a single soul where i am. Isn't there a single reason any more for me left to keep going to keep trying other then a promise....A simple reason for me to go on living. Im not asking for the world im not asking for the impossible. All im asking for is one logical reason to live.

Glad you let all that out here so that others may learn from your feelings & experiences. We all feel that way in our lives somedays more then others but your here telling your feelings so you must WANT to be on the planet, its evolution, primal......

Take care of you.

April

Its more of i want to want to be here. I want... no i need a reason to be, need a reason to exist other then everyone's tool or stepping stone. If there is none that i can find what gives me the right to go on living...... and can't say for my self i have been down that one and have come to see that reason just isn't good enough for me to live. If i were to only live for myself what purpose dose my life have...
It was mostly venting and it probably sounds a bit confusing to most considering they dont really know the whole story.

True about not knowing the whole story, its better sometimes for one to NOT look for others to complete them or fulfill something that they are lacking in themselves, just food for thought.